Editor's Note: Here's the latest installment of Ask a Bro with Waffles McButter. Don't forget to Like Waffles McButter on Facebook!
I'm at a program this summer and have run into quite an interesting opportunity. There's this girl here, Meg, and we have been hooking up, and just got down to business for the first time today. I leave Saturday morning, and so does she. I think this might be God's will, but we are on the same flight, and are sitting next to each other. As soon as I noticed my good fortune, I said “Meg, you ever heard of the Mile High Club?” She had not, but when I informed her of the legendary club, she was more than down.
Now comes the tricky part. How the f*ck does one accomplish such a task? Any ideas? I'm assuming the bathroom is the place to go, but what if people see? What if the flight attendants know we are f*cking inside, will they go bat-shit crazy and land the flight early and arrest us? No idea what to do, so thought I would ask Nebrodomus for some advice.
My first thought when I read this was, “How f*cking old or naive is this broad to have never heard of the Mile High Club?” But then I realized that it's probably better to be left in the dark about some details. You pretty much guessed how to accomplish this, but I will go in a little more detail so you hopefully don't get caught.
You have two realistic options for successfully firing a load at 30,000 feet and if you're taking a late-night flight, your odds are much better since people will be sleeping.
Option 1: The In-Cabin Handjob
This option is all about being discrete, yet trying to remain utterly comfortable. Make sure that you sit in the aisle seat because your head needs to be on a swivel and so people can't see Meg's shoulder motion from behind. Next, hit the recline button on your seat and then tell the busty flight attendant to be a doll and fetch you a blanket. Once that is done, have your girl (this is where Meg comes in) put her head on your should and pretend she is going to sleep. When the blanket finally comes, send the attendant back to get you a pillow, just because you can. When she leaves, grab the barf bag or a tissue and put it between the two of you. Meg will need one of these objects for clean up.
Now that you're prepared for the end, take the blanket and cover the important parts of both of you. I suppose if you want to be really secretive, you could put the try table down, but that only works if you have a dwarf dick and the plane isn't in takeoff or taxi. Once that is all set it's time for your girl to get busy. Make sure she isn't taking outrageously elongated strokes or moving her arm at record speeds because that can get you caught. When you're finally ready to blow, obviously don't start grunting, or yodeling, or whatever the f*ck you'd normally do, and grab the tissue or barf bag. If you opt for the barf bag, be kind to future passengers and return it to its original location in the seat back pocket. If you used the tissue, stuff it in the ash tray or between the seats — finding little treats like this always put a smile on a flight attendant's face.
Option 2: The Bathroom
The only non-adult entertainment plot option for sex on an airplane is in the bathroom, but you must use the one located in the rear of the vessel otherwise everyone who isn't drooling all over themselves or bobbing uncontrollably as they sleep will know that you're f*cking. Also, never try this right when they turn the seatbelt sign off; all the infant bladders will be rushing to take a piss then, so go midway through the flight. Have Meg go first and watch to see which one she went into. Tell her to not lock the door so you can walk right in like its vacant. This will require you to only wait 30 to 60s second before you go. Once you're in there do whatever comes naturally, and by that I mean f*ck her from behind. Beast sex, in a stall of this size, is probably the most comfortable position. Just keep the volume level down or you're sure to get caught.
Now the hard part: Exiting the stall without getting caught. I actually have no idea how to execute this flawlessly so if anyone out there has any covert tactics, please chime in. My best guess is to peek your head out to see if someone is waiting; if they are, be quick on your feet and tell them you got sick and you need to wait because you don't feel well. Hopefully the line isn't long or another stall opens up. If no one is there, you can make a break for it, but go out one at a time so no one is wise to your mid-air sex crimes.
If you are paranoid about getting nabbed, I think you would be better off getting caught f*cking in the bathroom than with your dick out surrounded by other passengers, especially little kids coming home from Disney World. In either case, you might be banned for life from that airline but I don't think there will be an arrest unless you expose yourself to the entire flight.
Have a safe flight,