Q: When a guy says, “I'm not in a good place mentally and I need to sort out some things,” what does he really mean?
A: Ahhhh, it's good to see my old friend, the-best-way-to-break-up-with-a-girl-who's-done-nothing-wrong. How the hell have ya been, old sport? I've missed you. What's it been… like 8 years since we've last broken a heart together? Man, how the time flies. But you still look fantastic, aging gracefully and shit. Good things, good things.
What this excuse means, my female friend, is one of two things. Maybe your guy is in a literal mental rut. Could be stemming from a number of things like him being down an out with his job, having a bad situation with his family, or maybe he's just premature ejaculating all over town. I don't know what his goddamn problem is or if he even has one at all, but I once dropped this bomb when I was unhappy with my first job out of college and I let my deep-seated desire to find a new job, coupled with my current agony, run both my brain and relationship into the ground. (I didn't know how to deal with my problems, so I did so in the unhealthiest of ways. Go fuck yourself for judging me.)
If this dude is going through a trying time right now, his “mental” excuse could very well be genuine. However, if there appears to be nothing to “sort out” and this is totally out of the blue, he probably just doesn't want to be with you anymore (shit fuckin' happens) and he thinks this is the best way to let you down easy. Of course, he'd be wrong to assume that since ripping the Band-Aid smooth off and telling you to hit the bricks is obviously better than giving you false hope that once he gets himself “sorted out” he'll come running back to you.
If you think that is the case, pack up, move on, and save yourself months of uncertainty.
Q: So I was good friends with this girl back and high school and up until junior year of college we were still friends on facebook, despite not really talking much during college. I saw her at the bar last night and we talked and caught up and things got a little steamy. I was drunk and caught up in seeing a lot of people from high school for the first time in a while; that I forgot to get her new number. I went back on facebook the next day and tried to message her only to find out that she defriended me a couple months back. Can I refriend her? Should I just message her? Is she even worth the pursuit anymore? As a little more background, she also told me some of her kinky sex stories in college like her having a kid eat fruit loops out of her snatch while she poured milk on him. Is she too crazy as well? I mean, I'm not not down to do some more kinky shit, just none of that gimp suit shit.
A: “She also told me some of her kinky sex stories in college like her having a kid eat fruit loops out of her snatch while she poured milk on him.”
I've quoted that excerpt just so everyone is clear about at what point during this question I developed a substantial hard-on.
Can you befriend her again? Put it this way: if you balk, I'll never forgive you. I don't even know you from a bum on the street, but I'll make sure I outlive you just so I can piss on your fucking grave if you pass this up. I mean, Dude. FRUIT LOOPS FLAVORED PUSSY!
I think I've said all that needs to be said here.
Q: How many girls is too many in a weekend?
A: Anything over three per day is superfluous. That work?
If not, just increase the number I said to whatever you feel is healthy and I will nod my head in agreement.
We need to take a timeout because until last week I never knew this song existed.
The song is a heater, no doubt, but a number of things Eddie listed would destroy most human assholes, so proceed with caution if you're looking to sodomize yourself with pizza crust or a mink coat.
Q: Alright, so I know that dreams are typically bullshit but I had some crazy shit happen. I saw an ex-girlfriend (who I dated for one and a half years) and the girl I cheated on her with. The ex came up and was begging for my dick and wanted me back but I rejected her to go hook up with the other chick (despite her not being that hot and whatever). WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS CRAZY ASS DREAM MEAN?
A: It probably means that even in your dreams you're a whopping bag-o-scum.
This might come as a surprise to you, but I don't have a PhD in dream reading. However, if I had to make a wild guess — and I DO — I'd say that this nightmare solidifies the fact that you don't belong with your ex.
Q: I'm going to be playing lacrosse at a D1 school where from what I'm told, laxers run the place. My question is how do I use this to my advantage to wheel girls?
A: This question is so perfect I think I'll just move on without answering it. Sound good?
Q: So I'm just going to cut right to the chase. If you know you're going to break it off with a girl you've been seeing before college starts back up, but decide you want to bang her one last time before you do, is that a dick move? And is it advisable?
P.S. More or less a summer fling, but she goes to the same college I do, and its a smaller college (under 4,000 kids).
Thanks in advance for your advice on this most pressing of matters.
A: Of course it's a shitbag move. But if you're going to take a walk over dickhead's bridge, try to ease the blow on her and your reputation by sticking it out for a few weeks after your final frontier. That way it will look less premeditated. Blowing your load and then almost immediately saying, “We're done, you stupid TWATWAFFLE” or something with slightly less flare but similar sentiment, is probably a bad idea.
Wanting to roll through college single is ideal for a lot of guys. I get that. I lived that. But I also set fire to plenty of bridges on my way over them and unless the girl has crossed you, it's really not worth going out like that. Because someday — maybe after college — you might look back an think, “Man, I really regret dumping Ashley the way I did. Now that I've fucked 99 other chicks, I'd like to get a second chance at that.”
If you leave like a total shitbeard, that second chance will certainly never come, not to mention how it will hurt your chances with other chicks in the near future. Naw what I'm sayin'?
Q: Here's a curve ball. This girl I know ( mildly attractive and could've banged) sent me a snapchat of her on the can. No lady parts or anything but just her face and a stupid caption. What do I do?
A: Was the caption, “Making room for you $$$”?
If I'm being completely honest with you, this broad seems like pure filth and it's probably in your best interests to fuck her. With no condom, of course.
[image via ShutterStock]