Life
by Tucker Bradford on December 16, 2013

Thanks to our society allowing things to come back into fashion, bow ties have become the latest way for the fashion-forward bro to stand out. See also: short shorts, varsity jackets, and gratuitous pubic hair.

No longer are bow ties (bro ties?) only for pre-dementia college professors and pretentious hipsters. Side note: If you’re at all associated with the SEC, stop patting yourself on the back. You guys never gave up the bow ties in the first place, making you just as bad as the demented professors and hipsters. You guys can be known as the “conservative jackasses.” Great football though.

Furthermore, don’t think that trying to actually look like you’ve actually read a magazine in your life will harm your credibility as a bro. If you’ve done so much as simply updated your hairstyle in the past two years, guess what? You already pay attention to trends. So don’t worry about your masculinity. Women absolutely appreciate a sharp dressed man as long as you make it look easy. They don’t want a guy who tries as hard as they do to look good. That means you need simple ways to stand out, and bow ties are just the thing.

Consider this extremely common scenario: You walk up to the bar at a typical date party/banquet/reception/random special occasion dressed in your best semi-formal wear. It’s been long enough since you last stuck your manhood in one of the moist orifices attached to a female, so your one mission for tonight is to hook up. There’s a decent selection of girls at this gathering, so you deploy your usual tactics for sealing the deal. Saying just the right thing to break the ice, buying drinks to loosen up the atmosphere, maybe even enlisting the services of your best wingman. Whatever it takes, no matter how hard you have to work, you’re going to get some ass tonight.

Maybe it will all pay off and you get to flop around on top of some girl who made the mistake of thinking your were charming. Or maybe these women are too smart for your lame tricks and you went home to drunkenly jerk off into Linda, your extra-thick wool stocking.

But what if I told you that swapping out a regular tie for a bow tie could drastically increase your odds of at least stepping onto 3rd base?

It’s possible, and I know from personal experience. At my fraternity’s latest semi-formal, I opted to wear a $12 bow tie I picked up at H&M. A girl I was introduced to immediately complimented me. Her exact words were “I love your bow tie. I think they’re so sexy on guys.” Two other times that night, two other girls walked up to me and complimented me on the bow tie. At no point did I have to buy a drink and think of the perfect thing to say.

Bros, if you remember nothing else from this incredibly well written article, remember this: any time, any time a girl is non-sarcastically complimenting you, YOU’VE ALREADY WON. She’s already decided that you are fuckable. Congratulations. Sorry Linda.

Now, as far as what kind of bow tie you should immediately go out and buy, look for subdued plaids, darker colors and simple prints. Basically something that will catch her eye but isn't too loud. It’s a fine line.

Godspeed, and do your part to make 2014 The Year of the Bro Tie.

Find Tucker's archive here.

[Fashion bow tie image via Shutterstock]