Let’s call a spade a spade here; you’ve probably played a video game or two in your day. Hell, you probably played a video game today at some point. The idea of gaming is pretty simple nowadays. Play what you want when you want. Back in the day, though, shit was a little more complicated. The consoles that you owned more or less defined your socioeconomic status, psychiatric state of mind and whether or not you had friends. Jokes aside, those were some of the toughest decisions of your life.
Best Handheld Decision: Nintendo Gameboy Color
Iconic games, portable as all hell and the incredible ability to make all of your shitty road trips tolerable these are the qualities that make the Gameboy Color one of the best consoles ever. Yeah, you probably lost like three of them and forced your parents to spend an exorbitant amount of money on batteries, but you needed all of it because everyone had one. And Pokemon. Everyone had Pokemon. Some people had Pokemon BEFORE buying a Gameboy because it was that important. If you weren’t catching them all, were you even living?
Worst “Trying to be Different” Decision: Sega Game Gear
Whoops. You tried to “stand out” and make a name for yourself in the cafeteria. Instead, you bought a four pound beast of a machine that actively tried to bankrupt you. The games weren’t bad, but you were only able to play them for, like, 22 minutes before all eight of your batteries died. That backlight wasn’t going to pay for itself. Poor Sonic the Hedgehog, man. Dude had the weight of an entire franchise on his shoulders.
“Must Buy” Decision: Sony Playstation
In a word, revolutionary. The Playstation combined great games with a sleek operating system and the ability to (gasp) play DVDs. To be honest, when the Playstation first came out, I was pretty sure Skynet was just around the corner. Thankfully, I was wrong and we officially got to meet the Bro King, Crash Bandicoot. The unofficial “first” Adderall abuser.
“Wrong Place Wrong Time” Decision: Sega Saturn
If you were loyal to Sega and didn’t trust Sony, you probably bought a Saturn. And after roughly 45 minutes passed, you aggressively tried to throw your Saturn in the trashcan. It wasn’t as much the fault of the system itself, but more so the emergence of the Nintendo 64. Imagine being a girl and being the hottest chick in the bar. Now imagine a WAY hotter girl walking in the bar right after you and figuratively dunking in your face. That was what happened to the Saturn.
“Were You Drunk?” Decision: Virtual Boy
This seemed like a great idea until you realized that you spent $200 on a glorified View Master from Disney World. Luckily, you needed 20/10 vision to even begin understanding what was happening on the hell-screen of this “console.” Oh, and you probably developed a mild form of scoliosis because you had to stand for hours at a time playing games that didn’t give you an option to “Save.” Any time you can make Wario the star of your feature game, you have to do it.
“I Think I’m The Only One Who Bought This, But I’m Having a Blast” Decision: Sega Dreamcast
This system was arguably the least respected system of all-time. It had next-level games, a popular brand name and a beautiful design. The only problem was that you were probably the only one who owned it. If you had one, you probably spent most of your time holding back tears trying to tell people “how sick” the games were and that they should definitely buy one Don’t worry, one day you’ll meet someone else who owned a Dreamcast and can discuss the intricacies of Shenmue with you.
The Best Decision: Nintendo 64
I’m pretty sure, to this day, people get stabbed for Mario Kart-related reasons in various parts of the world. It is THAT serious when it comes to the N64. Step into any frat and I can guarantee you that a N64 is tucked away somewhere for a hungover Sunday, GoldenEye tournament. As long as you don’t pick Oddjob, hide in the bathrooms of the “Facility” or play “Slappers Only,” you’re probably going to have a good time. The system that transcended every age and can make a grown man seriously and legitimately blow into a cartridge is also the best system to ever exist.
Don’t worry, Bros. We are only a few years away from hopping into “alternate reality” hologram pods and having our ability to reason taken away from us, so let’s enjoy the ability to make shitty video game decisions for just a little while longer.
Follow Dub J on Twitter and check his blog, A Working Man’s Diary