In 1970, it was decided to put up a gigantic tent in Hampton Bays, serve outrageously cheap beer in it and hand out smiley face stickers to the drunk patrons to stick on one another. The barn is now so successful that it only opens on Sundays from 4pm-8pm and is rumored to sell more beer in that short window of time than Yankee Stadium does in an entire season. Before you make your voyage to the Mecca of debauchery, there are a few things you should know:
1. If you’re underage, don’t bother. I’ve seen countless teens and twenty-year-olds get turned away at the door. The guards grill your license like airport authority inspects a suspicious potential terrorist’s. They also scan it. Don’t rely on a fake.
2. Get there early and wear some SPF. I know I sound like your mom but you’ll thank me later. MDW is one of the most popular times to be at the barn. If you make the mistake of cruising up later in the afternoon, be prepared to wait three to four hours on line in the scorching sun, burning the shit out of your skin and getting weird tan lines. Get there a little earlier and take turns with your friends waiting in line. Half of you wait, half of you go to the pizzeria in the shopping center next door to get wasted off cheap beer. Then switch.
3. All bodily functions should take place in the bathroom. If you throw-up in sight of a guard wearing an orange “Only Doing My Job” shirt you will be thrown out. The same thing goes for public urination. Last year my friend Todd made the mistake of announcing that he had to pee and quickly fell victim to the “you won’t” challenge when dared to piss on the bar. Todd scoffed at the dare and proved that he WOULD. He then spent the rest of the day sobering up in the parking lot.
4. Leave your phone at home. And if you absolutely must bring it put it in a ziplock bag and leave it in your pocket as much as possible. The chances of your phone getting destroyed on a typical black out night are already high. For the barn multiply that number by sixty-seven.
5. The smiley stickers should be used as a strategic pick-up trick. Walking up to a total stranger and placing a sticker on an inappropriate body part would be unacceptable anywhere else in the world. At Boardy Barn its not only socially acceptable – its encouraged! If you like a girl’s rack, let her know by placing a sticker in her cleavage.
6. The music is an eclectic mix of sing-a-long golden oldies like “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison, “Build Me Up Buttercup” by The Foundations, and plenty of classics from Journey, Billy Joel, Guns-n-Roses, The Who, and more. This might sound awful when you’re sober but it is awesome when you’re not. Maybe its because everyone is wasted but for some reason songs you’ve heard a million times such as “Summer Loving” from Grease is suddenly the best song in the world. Plus girls love drunkenly standing around in circles screaming the lyrics making it easy for you to step in the center and make eleven new, hot, drunk friends.
7. Everyone wears bright colors and sunglasses so you can’t see how messed up their eyes are. I recommend following suit. You’ll look more mysterious with shades on and they will conveniently hide your shitfaced lazy eye.
8. Garbage cans are pretty rare so most girls just stack their plastic cups after finishing a beer. Obvious tip – the girl walking around with 8+ stacked cups makes an easy target. Buy her a beer and put a sticker on her face and you might have found your MDW hookup.
9. Don’t wear an orange shirt. The staff wears orange so you cannot. It may seem like a dumb rule but it’s literally the only one they have. If you’re wearing orange they won’t let you in.
10. Things only get better when it rains. You might think the ideal scenario is a hot sunny day but the truth it that it gets even better if there is a downpour. It started raining hard the last time I was there which apparently is code for everyone to start making out. Literally everyone around me was hooking-up and before I knew it I was too. When in Rome.
Happy Memorial Day weekend and God bless the Boardy Barn.
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