The party is the cornerstone of any civilized society. From the birth of intellect to the dawn of the renaissance, man has always found himself desperate with the craving to throw off the wrappings of polite society, ingest mind-altering drugs and party down.
Somewhere between the invention of rock ‘n’ roll and the birth of rap, Black people became the arbiters of ultimate cool via Black culture. What, exactly, is Black culture? Ask an anthropologist, Bro. We ain’t scientists. But what’s for sure is that if a modern party is to be taken seriously, Black culture must have a presence.
If you have to blame one specific era for making this sea change, look to the 70’s. Neighborhood parties full of George Clinton’s funky finest and new dances like the Electric Slide became goto party standards. Meanwhile, Black athletes started to dominate in the major sports and blaxploitation films were falling out of the backdoors of Hollywood in droves.
Young White kids drank in the culture as if it were water in the desert. And as they moved on with their lives unto college and work and family, the lessons of cool would stick with them.
So when a Black guy enters a residence housing a White party, he carries within him a responsibility, bro. A responsibility to inject the DNA of the party with the RNA of Black Culture.
He will be watched
From the moment he enters the front door of the residence, his every move will be observed. Which songs he mentions will be added to the playlist. What he drinks will be remade and sampled. Who he talks to will be noted and critiqued.
He will be made to perform Black handshakes…incorrectly
The Black handshake is like an independent language all its own with different dialects from region to region and even within varying social groups. But that doesn’t matter because Josh saw that one handshake in ‘Road Trip’ and wanted to try it out with an actual Black person.
The Black guy will let it happen though. He knows that if he refuses he’ll probably be tagged by everyone else as a spoil sport. Besides, the fumbling will be funny for both parties involved. Mostly.
Speak telepathically with any other Black people that show up
Should another Black guy show up, Black guy #1 and Black guy #2 will be able to speak telepathically to each other with naught but a series of head nods, facial gestures and raised eyebrows. A sample conversation would proceed thusly:
BG#2: *head nod, raised eyebrows* (You got here first, how is it?)
BG#1: *head nod, curled lip* (It’s a’ight.)
BG#2: *head cocked right, pursed lips* (Anything of note?)
BG#1: *head gestures to 9 o’clock direction, smile* (That fat girl has been on my nuts all night.)
BG#2: *double head nod, shrug, smirk* Hey, if nothing else works out…
The White Girl Vagina Lottery
For every Black guy at a party there’s at least one White girl looking to either have her first Black experience or really piss off her white-collar father by bringing home Tyshawn. Black guys will never know which one she is until the alcohol has been flowing. She could be the hottest chick at the party. She could be the wounded wildebeest in the corner nursing her insecurities with Amaretto sours. But his potential conquest will usually reveal herself with an uttered phrase like ‘Beyonce is my hero’ or ‘I wish I had a butt like Nikki Minaj.’
His dances will be copied to the best of their ability
Should he move towards the dance floor, space will open up and he will be welcomed like a diamond collector in a whorehouse. Steady eyes will measure his timely musical expressions. Whether he can actually move or not, his dances become the preferred maneuvers. His steps, the cadence of the adventure. And everyone there will be certain of their enjoyment of the moment because he taught them the way.
Whether the Black guy actually speaks Black English Vernacular or not, White people will want to speak it with him. Thanks to the Urban Dictionary, rap music and Twitter anyone can learn, practice and genuinely perform Black speech and grammatical patterns. However, it would be gauche to perform the language in the exclusive company of other Whites. With the Black guy at the party, though? It’s all good, dawg.
Drunk white people will ask you about Black issues
The Social Justice Warrior is the perennial victim of the tyranny of…well…everyone. But the presence of the Black guy (and several Cosmopolitans) will give her the courage to discuss social issues with him because she knows only he will understand. Passionate issues like what happened to Detroit and the tenacity of Obama birthers will be prime topics of discussion while Snoop Dogg’s ‘Gin & Juice’ rumbles the living room hardwood.
If the Black guy isn’t careful though, he will get so buried in conversation that he will lose out on the White Girl Vagina Lottery.
I want more like this!
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