Life
by Rebecca Martinson on November 6, 2013

I'm going there.

And before I continue, just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I'm bias. I could care less whether your bestie for restie occasionally spends nights in watching a movie rather than being a slop shop with you and your friends, it's no skin off my back. In other words, chill your tits out because I'm about to open your eyes to a whole new world, and it revolves around the following term: Trickledown Benefits.

Say your friend and his Girlfriend brought home Chipotle to the house that the two of you share with a bunch of other guys. You haven't had dinner yet but are too poor/lazy/stupid/inept to cook anything, so instead you just join the two of them in the living room while they eat. “Golly gee willackers guys” you say to no one in particular, “I wish I had some Chipotle right now!”

Now under any normal circumstance your buddy would just ignore you and keep shoveling rice and beans into his face until he realizes his asshole is about to pull a Mount Vesuvius in your main floor bathroom. It's okay though, because Girlfriend can't finish her entire burrito bowl and just gives you the rest of it for free. No bargaining, no bets, no “Here you go OH WAIT JUST KIDDING FUCK YOU GET YOUR OWN CHIPOTLE” bait-and-switch, just a simple, beautiful, orgasmic half of a burrito bowl all to yourself.

That's what a trickledown benefit is. You get random perks from your friends just being in a relationship that you wouldn't get if they were single. Need a ride to class and Girlfriend has a car? Ask nicely and it's done. Can't figure out if your clothes you're wearing match because your Mom isn't around to dress you anymore? Girlfriend'll set you straight. Can't figure out the stupidly cryptic messages that Slam A keeps sending you? Show'em to Girlfriend, she'll decipher for you. Hate cooking? Jokingly ask if Girlfriend will make a house dinner one night and she'll probably do it. Why is she willing to do all these things, you ask? Because she wants her boyfriend's friends to like her. She's already got the fact that she essentially neutered a wingman from your bar squad going against her, and she knows. This is just her way of making it up to everyone for making one of your friends slightly more boring and tame. And really, what would you prefer? Assuming you have more than one friend (but let's not necessarily kid ourselves here), you can get someone else to wingman you. No straight dude is gonna cook you waffles on a Saturday morning after you blacked out the night before, but girlfriend's already got the waffle maker fired up and she's even slicing strawberries as we speak.

This is of course all assuming that Girlfriend doesn't suck. If she sucks and leaves dirty tampon wrappers on your bathroom floor and acts like a giant bitch 24/7 and has whipped this poor boy into submission to the point where he says incredibly depressing things like “Aw man that I was about to watch the Redskins game, but then Girlfriend turned on Sex and the City 2 and we watched that instead”, then this girl is NOT your asset and is just a giant nut buster. Get rid of her. Her trickledown benefits do not outweigh the fact that she is slowly turning your friend into a cockless vagina that can't even wipe itself after using the women's bathroom in the back of Forever 21.

Also, take note that I never said that you should have a girlfriend. Just your friends. This way you still get to poke and prod whatever wet holes you feel like exploring with your dowsing rod, but you'll still get waffles and whatever else you manipulate out of Girlfriend's need for male acceptance.

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Rebecca Martinson

About Rebecca Martinson...

Rebecca Martinson is a recent graduate from the University of Maryland who is notoriously known throughout the Internet for being really, really adequate at writing emails. She joined BroBible right after graduating in the Spring of 2014 and doesn't hate it...yet.

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