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In Light of USC Star Josh Shaw’s Big Lie, Here Are the Biggest Lies You Tell/Told/Or Will Tell

By / 08.29.14

dude-pleading

When I read the story about Josh Shaw, I immediately knew that was bullshit. Black dude + swimming pools indicated that things were not adding up. With that said, I sympathized with him because we, as bros, have all been there. If you never told a horribly stupid lie that snow-balled into certain disaster, did you even really live?

“I’m {insert excuse to get out of doing something}”

The classic. Old reliable. As we all know, the goal in life is to get the maximum amount accomplished while expending the least amount of energy. With that said, you can best believe that getting out of things in moments of crisis is a necessary life skill. Big work deadline? You tore your ACL playing rec league basketball and you have a doctor’s note (written by one of your friends in med school) to prove it. Final paper due? Your computer did the blue screen of death thingy, there was a power surge, roommate spilled coffee on your keyboard, and/or you have ADHD. In moments of desperation, you can always play the race card. Yes, white people, too. It’s 2014!

Sex-related lies:

“Hey man, did you hold hands/kiss her?”

These were probably our first full-fledged snowball lies. Telling the fellas that you were so nervous around a girl that you prematurely ejaculated into your cordouroys lacks pizzazz. The next days/weeks/months basically become an espionage mission to keep that information protected. Eventually the wrong person finds out and you become a social pariah for a few days, but dammit, you tried.

“How many people have you had sex with?”

Ah, the precious number. Probably the most harrowing situation young couples deal with at the start of their relationships. Too low, you’re inexperienced. Too high, you’re a dude-slut. Why, there is no algorithm for this, I don’t know, but it is up to you to finesse the situation well enough that you come out experienced, yet STD-free. Pro Tip: find out their number first and add two.

Strip Club:

You never experienced teamwork until you meet a group of dudes in a relationship corroborating on a strip club lie. It’s basically one of those murder-mystery shows where they have different colored strings on a white board connected to suspects all over the world, except much sloppier and infinitely drunker. The best part–most of the time, no one cares.

“Dinner” is usually the fall man in this lie. You make up a meal you ate, conversation topics, hilarious waiter-related anecdotes–the whole she-bang. But, like most things in life, it usually falls apart because one beautiful bird flew too closely to the sun aka, one dude’s a bitch that is terrified of his wife/girlfriend.

Job/Money related lies:

Grocery bagger doesn’t sound quite as baller as Customer Relationship Manager, so if anyone asks, that’s what you are now. It’s not a true dick-swinging contest if money/job title isn’t lied about ad-nauseam. Everyone’s salary is a lie. Remember that.

You fucked up, but tricked yourself into believing that you were right to the point that you don’t even understand what reality is anymore.

We have entered Josh Shaw territory in the “You see, what had happened was…” Olympics. Sometimes you lie as a knee-jerk reaction for no reason at all. Maybe you are about to get in trouble or, maybe, you THINK you are about to get in trouble. These are where the best lies are born. No matter who you are, you instantly become J.K. Rowling and start crafting new worlds and alternate realities. Maybe you make up a person, maybe you make up a town and maybe you create items that don’t even exist.

Josh created a world where he was a hero. A world where he was an uncle, a capable swimmer and a superhero impervious to serious injury. Then he got caught because people are haters and snitches and continue to perpetuate the stereotype that black people can’t swim.

Yes, I’m a little mad that people got to the bottom of this off the strength of “Wait, he SWAM?!”

“I died in a car accident…no further questions”

The GOAT. Any time you get caught up in some mess, just remember that you died in a car accident.

They can’t ask you questions if you’re dead, but alive, right?

[Guy Lying via Shutterstock]


TAGSLIESLying
Dub J
About Dub J... Dub lives in Boston and blogs at Working Man’s Diary. He's also that black friend you never knew you had.

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