Life
by J. Camm on April 6, 2011

9. Stealing Food

What dirty c*nt did you slither out of that you think everyone's food is somehow communal? I have siblings, I know how to share, but if you're a co-worker and I barely know you, I also barely care if you starve to death. You can have all the f*cking paper clips you need but the one thing you don't f*ck with is a person's food.

8. Defiling the Bathroom

Whether it’s shitting on the floor, pissing on the seat, or wiping blood-ridden boogers above the urinal there is no bigger a**hole move in an office than ones made by Bathroom Phantoms. O.K., yes, the first time I see a hot loaf on the floor I will laugh, but after that I don't put up with this kind of terrorism. If I'm wasting hours of my life at a company, the least I expect is a reasonably clean place to defecate. For the record, I've heard on multiple occasions that women are worse than men… for whatever reason they just toss menstruation rags everywhere.

7. Playing the Stupid Card and Asking a Co-Worker to Do Your Bitch Work

I once had a female manger that could not format a Microsoft Excel or Word doc*ment on her own. So who did she ask to do it? You guessed it, this guy. Bold f*ckin' move, b*tch. But I saw her a**hole move and then raised her with one of my own. The owner of the company was fond of me, so I told him point blank what happened and that this sl*t couldn't be any more worthless. Am I a cocksucker for it? Sure, but she was an unsightly blob and that was the last time she ever asked me to number pages or fix margins.

6. Taking Credit for Someone Else’s Work

When you accept praise for someone else’s hard work, what you are essentially doing is raping their career. You can do it one of two ways: behind the person’s back (the drugged and passed-out method) or through fear because you’re their boss and they’re too afraid to call you out on it (the at-gun-point method). Either way, this should really be treated as a crime.{pagebreak}

5. Women Playing the “Help Me I'm a Woman” card

Younger chicks aren't as bad at this but if you have the misfortune of working with middle-aged hags who have never been loved, they will constantly exploit the fact that you are a man and say shit like “be a gentleman and hold this purse for me” or “you look big and strong, can you carry this box full of binders for me?” First off, I don’t ask you to be a hoe and suck this dick for me, and second, if I carry that box for you I'll never get to realize my dream of seeing you slip a disc or tumble down a flight of stairs. So thanks for the offer, but like a gentleman, I'll give you the equality you fight so hard for, and pass.

4. People Who Come to Work Sick

Let’s hear it for the self-appointed Cal Ripken of the Accounting Department, spreading his disease to the rest of the office because he can’t find it in himself to take a sick day. 

3. Anonymous Passive-Aggressive Note Making

I can't tell, but at which point does your elongated vag*na end and your backbone begin? These little memos are semi-amusing, but dropping the passive-aggressive act and picking up the physical violence act would be far more entertaining for the rest of us.

2. Breaking the Printer and Then Walking Away

There is not a bigger battle of attrition at the office than fixing or notifying someone of a broken printer or copier. I’ll admit it, I used to do this shit all the time. Jam the f*ck out of it and then walk away. This is such a classic a**hole move.

1. Ratting Out a Fellow Co-Worker

I don't understand why people feel the need to interject into someone else's personal affairs. If I take an extra 15 minutes on my lunch break, what the f*ck is it to you or anyone else? That's my business. It's not like I'm off slaughtering kids, siphoning money from the company, or slaughtering kids. Maybe I just like to sit on the shitter till my feet go numb while I play BrickBreaker. Maybe that helps me digest. Now, thanks much in part to you, I have the burden of explaining that to our boss in such a way that doesn't make me look like the weirdo.