Life
by Rebecca Martinson on January 21, 2014

I'll admit, I've only had this experience with dicks (I still get PTSD style flashbacks to the time he took his pants off and it wasn't circumcised), but it's the same thing. You're all excited at first because, hey, who doesn't like the thrill of hooking up with someone new? But then you go and find out that you're more likely to get a boner from watching a dog shit in your yard than from seeing that girl naked again. Everyone's got their own preferences, but for the most part everyone agrees on a few simple dealbreakers:

1. If there's hair anywhere it shouldn't be then it's time to put your clothes on and leave. No, Chewbacca, I don't need or want your phone number either.

2. Do you smell that? Because you shouldn't. Because people should bathe regularly, which you clearly have not been doing

3. Wait, are we having sex in the shower? No? You could've fooled me with the GALLONS of sweat you're dropping on my face

And the most important one of all…

You have to be at least moderately attractive naked. If you're not, well then hopefully you drive that stick shift like a pro or at least have other redeeming qualities, because no one's coming back for seconds otherwise. So take off your shirt and get ready to over-analyze your upper body until you either get pissed off that you're bottom-tier quality and stop reading or give yourself an internal high-five that you're not repulsive.

Top Tier

1. They're Just Perfect: Lovely round shape, correct color in proportion to the skin, normal size when it's a lil' nippy in your room (har-har), these are the nipples you hope for when you take a bra off. There's nothing else to say, they're just top shit.

2. Mosquito Bites: Exactly what it sounds like. Tits that look like they have no nipples but instead had a bug crawl down and bite where a nipple should be. There's not much surrounding area, it's really just straight-up hard nipple all the time. Yeah the whole “bug” analogy isn't the most appealing, but they're typically kinda cute looking since being small makes the boob itself look perkier.

Middle-Tier

3. Off-color: Imagine nipples where they're the same color as the rest of the boob. Not darker, not lighter, just the same skin tone. The shape, size, whatever, they're fine. But you look at them and you feel like you're about to bang a mannequin from Kohl's because if you hadn't looked closely, you wouldn't have seen anything there. It's like she's got a chameleon gene that only applies to her nipples, and they can only camouflage with the skin around it. Worst X-Man ever.

4. Almonds: They're not round, but more oblong-ish. It's like you took a regular nipple and squished it down. Color and all that are fine, but the fact that it looks like her boobs are frowning now because she's got flattened nips is just depressing. Imagine taking her shirt off and just seeing a perpetual frowny-boob looking up at you, would that make you happy? Does your dick twitch at the thought? No, it doesn't. But it's still better than…

Bottom-Tier

5. Pancakes: Holy fuck these gross me out. Draw me a circle. Now draw another circle inside of the first one with only a centimeter in between the two. THAT'S what these look like. It's literally 90% nipple and 10% boob, to the point where you're subliminally told to haul ass to IHOP and order a pancake platter. Small tits with these nipples are worse than big ones, because she genuinely looks like she just has two giant birthmarks sitting next to each other on her chest instead of boobs. I've known guys to just have the girl keep her bra on if she has these kinds of nips. I can't blame them.

6. National Geographic Long: Also known as “Elderly Asian-Lady in the Locker Room” nipples. Instead of just turning into little pyramids when it's cold, these turn into pill capsules. Like, boob-erections basically. Maybe biologically they're better for nursing or something I'm blissfully unaware of, but just to look at they're not appealing. I've also had the “joy” of seeing what these look like when the women are like 60, and it's not pretty. They're saggy and look exactly like cow udders, same length and all that. I don't know about you, but bestiality isn't really what gets me going in the morning, so personally I tend to stay away from nailing cow titties.

Read Rebecca Martinson's previous posts here.

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  • Trent McClain

    I can’t agree. I’m a guy and every guy I know loves big areolas (the circle surrounding the nipple) especially the “pancake” ones. Frankly, small areolas look like those men have. Think about it, when was the last time you saw a guy take off his shirt to reveal 3-4″ areolas? Never. Women? It’s really common. Those are the epitome of feminine breasts. Now, I don’t dislike small areolas and they definitely wouldn’t be a deal breaker but, big, especially HUGE, areolas are my personal favorite (and a lot of other guys’).

  • Cheese Dik

    You sir must not have many friends or grew up in the Amazon.

  • Trent McClain

    Perhaps you sir, are attracted to manly features like small areolas.

  • Miguel Enrique Tovar Saavedra

    I’m with you, Trent.