Can you believe how easy you have it now? How little work is actually required of you in this institution of higher learning? I mean, dude, have you ever felt more well-rested in your entire life? Of course you haven’t! College is all about napping, and chilling, and experimenting with drugs and women and fire (seriously, take a moment every weekend to set something on fire. It is very chill.)
Now you’re probably looking around wondering, where did all these smokeshows come from? Answer: God made them in heaven out of puppies and fluff and other things. Congrats! College is the apex of the apex of the apex of your life in terms of meeting sexy and eligible smokeshows.
You’re probably wondering, how can I go about meeting these sexy and eligible smokeshows? Great question. There are smokeshows everywhere, yes, but there are certain places with a higher population density of smokeshows than other places. So, to all my brothers caught up in the struggle I present the 6 Best Places to Pick Up Chicks on a College Campus.
Is it any wonder that in college everyone is in the best goddamn shape of their lives? Of course it isn’t, because in college everyone is hitting up the gym all the goddamn time because the gym in college is the goddamn Mecca and Medina of beautiful and in shape smokeshows. To top it all off, all these smokeshows are wearing little Lucile Lemon whateverthefuck yoga pants and isn’t that chill for you? (I can’t tell you when those became a thing, but praise Allah they are and they should always be.) Now the rookie move is to spend all your gym-time in the weight room pumping iron. Take a look around the weight room for a moment. Notice anything strange? The weight room in college is stocked exclusively full of dudes. It is, in that sense, a homoerotic carnival of frat-boy adrenaline, and a desert in terms of smokeshows. If you’re really looking to, well, maximize your workout, do what the veterans do: throw in some cardio.
This one may surprise you, but there are those among us (ahem) who spent four years on the college meal plan for the very reason that the cafeteria is a great place to meet chicks in college. Also it’s a cheap date. Now granted, cafeterias are also stocked full of, well, non-smokeshows. You can find these near the ice cream usually. But the great equalizer about the cafeteria is, for every non-smokeshow chick gorging on rocky road like a pre-Ramadan feast (clearly I’ve got Islam on the mind tonight), there is her dude-counterpart near by at this very moment topping his buffalo wings off with a little extra blue cheese. And it is in this way that in the college cafeteria everyone is able to find true love. Or at the very least, a good hookup bud.
Let’s be honest with each other. The only reason you go to college parties is to meet chicks. Otherwise, you’re getting all done up, spraying on cologne (because now that your of age and not a dickhead you shouldn’t be wearing Axe), wearing a button down, pre-gaming, and for what? For music? For beer pong? All these things can be done in the comfort of your dorm room with your boys, everyone wearing bathrobes. Be real, once you eliminate the chick-element from the college party, getting blazed in your dorm room and playing GTA sounds a lot more enticing.
I’ve heard there are schools in this great country where the libraries are quiet oases of academia. My condolences to you if that’s your situation. For the rest of us, our school’s library is an 80’s style orgy of socializing and merriment with everyone hopped up some student entrepreneur’s Adderall prescription. Years from now you’ll look back on that afternoon you hooked up with sophomore Stefanie against the periodicals shelf, and you’ll shed a tear for your youth that once was and will never again be.
You’d think lecture would be a good place to meet sexy and eligible smokeshows, but you’d be wrong because let’s be honest, with your intensive binge-drinking regiment you don’t really have time to go to lecture. Don’t worry. They have these little condensed mini-lectures called study-groups where you can freely mooch notes off the brainy sucker who showed up, all the while getting some quality face time in with the sophomore Stefanie (who, you might recall, you’ll be hooking up with against the periodicals shelf very soon.)
In the olden days they used to segregate dorms by gender. If you think about it subjectively, that makes a lot of sense because nowadays the college dorm hall is basically a sexy coed slumber party where everyone’s hooking up with everybody. Guaranteed, a few decades from now they’re going to revaluate the pedagogical merits of letting often drunk and horny boys and girls live together on the same dorm floor. There is no real-world equivalent of this type of living arrangement except for maybe a harem or one of those counter-culture dystopias that sprang up in the late sixties. Anyway, consider yourself blessed to have been born in this era, and live it up (safely, obviously.)
Alright, that’s it. Be safe. Go hard. Don’t disrespect women.
Isaac Himmelman is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. You can follow his shit on twitter @isaachimmelman.