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The 5 Best Online Dating Sites and Apps for Bros

By / 12.04.13

Throughout the day commercials for E-Harmony, J-Date, Christian Mingle, Match.com, ChubbyChasers, or whatever other bullshit dating websites are played non-stop. But who really wants to pay just to find someone worth there time? If you’re over the age of 25 (or god forbid 30) and single, chances are you have decided that there aren’t any girls looking to actually date anyone that they meet at the bar. I mean, why else would you be there?!? And that’s the point. Women know that we aren’t looking to find something long-term at the bar. If it happens, then it’s purely luck.

More and more you see attractive females take to the internet to find possible matches. Now if you are middle-aged and not trying to take any chances, then perhaps you will waste your time, money, and effort meeting some fellow middle-aged strumpet with 4 kids and taste for expensive things bought by you. But if you’re not a fucking square and you are good looking (because all bros are) your best bet is making a profile on one of the free sites.

First, you want to get a picture that doesn’t have a bunch of other girls in it. If you’re looking for someone on the internet then the secret is out. You are not, in fact, some kind of “player” with the ladies. Don’t have pictures of you drinking. Girls will just assume that’s all you do. And have more than one picture. If your profile picture is your best picture, then chances are you can’t be very good looking. Everyone knows what a MySpace picture is and if you have one of those then get to the gym stat.

Next up, you want to say something about yourself without saying too much. Mystery (the adjective not the tool with those silly ass hats (or asshats) on that VH1 show, is good for both sides of dating. It gives her something to ask, assuming you’re not an overbearing creeper that can’t wait 17 minutes for her to get off the phone with friend and respond to your measily, fucking, “Hey, what’s up?” message. If you want to be funny, that’s cool. If you want to tell jokes that only you understand, well, there’s a reason why you are single. Don’t do that shit.

Finally, be honest. Don’t bullshit about what you want. Otherwise, you are just as well off to go back to the bar and hit on the same sluts you did last night.

Here’s a list of all the random free sites that are out there for you (with colorful commentary) and honest assessments:

OkCupid

Uses a percentage rating for friends, enemies, and potential connections. Unfortunately, it’s all bullshit based on varying levels of responses. However, it might be the bluntest dating website out there as it asks questions about religion, politics, sexual history; and even allows side comments to be as specific as possible. Most people know it as a sex site, but that’s hardly the original intention of it. Also, it allows for bros to look through both bi-sexual and straight girls in case you need an extra to spice things up or just need another one. While most sites are predominately mid-20s to mid-40s, OkCupid is mainly made up of barely legals and girls in there later 20s and early 30s. With all that said, the quality is well worth a look.

PlentyOfFish (POF)

The name is quite genius/corny, but after that it’s pretty beat. The site itself looks like two kids in Intro to Computer Science put it together when they were being taught “Coding for Dummies”. Even worse, the majority of the members are late teen to early 20s with several kids. Having children isn’t a bad thing, but honestly, it doesn’t look good when you’re 20, single, and have 4 kids by several baby daddies. Besides, I’ve tried to throw a hot dog down a hallway and it’s just no fun. Both OkCupid and POF are web-based that have apps that work for your phone. These are the two app-based dating sites.

Hinge

Maybe the hottest dating app in the game right now. It's for people sick of dating randos via Tinder. It's blowing up right now. You connect it with your Facebook and then it sends back possible matches based off of friends of friends who are single and looking to mingle. In otherwords, you're going to be matched with someone in a limited pool where you know someone in common, giving you a connection to that person right away. As the company's CEO put it: “I use Tinder when I’m out and about or bored or want to mess around, and Hinge is where I meet the people I want to date.”

Hitch

Runs through your LinkedIn profile. It’s actually a really interesting slant on the dating world. The inevitable mutual friends that you also happen to work with (hence it being on LinkedIn) and socialize with makes this risky move. Sure, it would be great to find a classy broad with life aspirations and some actual fucking brains and/or personality. But taking your work home with you is no fun. Also, the name just freaks me the fuck out. Who really wants to think about putting the cart before the horse, especially if that horse ends up being a cow.

Tinder

Making matches on your iPhone is different, but not necessarily a bad thing. The unfortunate trickle-down effect of having matches made on your phone is that the picture quality is mediocre at best and you immediately go right into texting. At least the internet sites allow the opportunity to walk away and not feel burdened by anyone or anything. That shit pops right up on your phone. And Facebook and Tinder and whatever the hell else is generally confusing when it comes to “friends”. You might know the same people and have met them and have them accept your friend request. But what do you do if you think the person is completely normal and then you find out she’s the girl that all the guys are friends with but no one wants to fuck? There’s probably a reason for that.

 

In summation, if you suck at all these sites and still can’t find anyone decent, go back to the people that rated you on Lulu. There’s a decent chance they might take you back.

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