Most of us, having reached adulthood, have our own bongs or bowls or bubblers; pieces we store in our coffee table drawers, completely unconcerned of who might come across them because “Hey, it's only pot. You wanna smoke?”
But we have all been there before, as high school kids or on a ski trip with no blunt wraps or having forgot to bring the one hitter to the tailgate. All of us have had to use makeshift weed pieces.
They are shitty stand-ins. Of course they are. If smoking out of them were anything but awful, there would be no need for hand-blown glass and Job 1.25s. These are emergency-only measures, when you realize you have no other options available and Gravity: IMAX 3D starts in 45 minutes and like hell you aren't going to see that not baked out of your mind.
That's why, for your benefit, we've ranked the six best makeshift ways to smoke weed.
This list was rigorously tested. Last night, I picked up an eighth of pot and my roommate and I jury-rigged up every way we know how to smoke—based off our combined 30 years of being stoned derelicts—to determine which is the best way to get high sans traditional tools. Over the course of 30 minutes, we tested every method, because if you are gonna smoke a ton of pot, you might as well do it in the shortest time span possible.
Then we listened to a live Phish show on Spotify.
6. Tin foil pipe
What smoking out of it seems like: Someone smashing open a mercury thermometer and holding it to your nose.
Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be part of the bottom dredges of society? Then whip up a tin foil pipe. Wrap some tin foil around a pen or other narrow, pen-widthed, cylindrical object. Slide out said object and slightly bend one end of the tin foil up. Your results should look something like this:
Light one end and wonder how tin foil is considered a nonreactive baking medium. Because the smoke that comes into your mouth will taste less like marijuana and everything like the final scene in Terminator 2 when Arnold lowers himself into a vat of molten steel.
Should I use it?: If you have zero pennies to spend on smoking implements and already have tin foil in stock. Otherwise, pick anything else. Like a soda can.
5. Soda can
What it reminded me of: Being in the woods behind my house in eighth grade.
A bowl is a such a nice thing to own because for a relatively small piece, it can deliver a good deal of smoke. A soda can is like a bowl in that it too has a cool pattern on the outside. That's where the similarities end.
It is simple enough to make, though. All it requires is an average-strengthed hand to crush the bottom of the can into something vaguely concave. Then poke holes into the depression with a knife or kebab skewer for smoke to pass through.
Should I use it?: Probably not, unless you are into huffing. When you look at the can afterward and see the metal of it resembling something approximating the full spectrum of visible light, you start to think about your health.
4. Pen tube with foil
Excuse me, what?: It's a bowl you make by sticking a bit of foil into the end of a pen tube. It looks this picture below.
Why the fuck would I do that?: Well, if you like the foil bowl concept, but dislike your teeth touching aluminum foil and generating that jarring sensation that feels like someone shot an electric current through your cavity filing, you can use a plastic pen tube as a stem instead.
It doesn't work that well, though. It takes time to craft a proper foil bowl that will sit inside the pen tube. Then it gets clogged and you feel like you're smoking crack cocaine.
Should I use it: No.