[Editor's note: This is the latest installment of Would You Rather from the duo of Legend and scross (lowercase "s," always). It is also a good reminder that you should sign up for our commenting community. It's totally anonymous and totally fucking awesome.]
Fuck looks, everyone knows smart is the new sexy. So by choosing to be the smartest man in world, I’ll also be the sexiest. I win both sides! You don’t believe me? Watch Ashton Kutcher’s speech from last years Teen Choice Awards. He proclaims that smart is the new sexy. Where I grew up, what Ashton says, goes.
First order of business as the smartest man in the world is opening up my own invention and research company, LEGEND INDUSTRIES. A team of top scientists and I will spend our entire morning working hard on important issues like clean drinking water, cures for cancer, and steps for world peace. After lunch, the focus will shift towards inventing things like an undetectable shower cam, a real cure for hangovers, a prostate diddler, and a surgery for men that finally allows them to suck their own dick. Also, LEGEND INDUSTRIES will be the first and only company to finally invent a fart silencer that works. Many have tried, none have succeeded.
I must have missed last year’s Teen Choice Awards, but Ashton Kutcher is a liar. Pretty easy thing for him to say when he’s a good-looking guy himself. You don’t see Stephen Hawking making claims like that. Nope, because being smart doesn’t get you laid. Being smart AND rich does, but that’s another topic altogether. I just read some of Kutcher’s Wikipedia page and his career started by being the first loser in some modeling/talent competition and then, as we all know, he went on to act in That 70’s Show where he played the dumbest kid in sitcom history. So basically he owes his entire $140 million net worth to looks and lack of smarts. What an ungrateful hypocrite.
When you’re good-looking, doors just open for you. When you’re smart, you still have to wake up in the morning, use your brain, and work long hours. If you ask me, not working is the new sexy. And the thing is, we’re not talking about just being good-looking but the best looking. It’s unanimous. People’s Sexiest Man Alive goes to you every single year. You’d get paid to make appearances places just to get the nipples hard and panties moist. You walk around, sip the finest champagne (which you’re the spokesmodel for, along with every other finest product in the world), and take your pick of every woman there. So good luck with the dick-sucking surgery endeavor, Legend, I’ll leave that task up to the sexiest woman alive.
[Editor's note: scross to Legend just now...]
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