What should you wear for Halloween in 2013? Easy, bro: Whatever you want. Dress in a $5,000 Master Chief suit. Dress as a ghost with a piss-stained sheet. We're not here to set the rules for Halloween costumes. After 10 p.m., no one will care what you're wearing.
However, if you would like a little bit of help, there are a few ideas that are, for lack of a better word, "current:" The best Halloween costumes of 2013.
Kidding, kidding. Don't do it. DON'T DO IT. This is the Joker of 2008, the Sarah Palin of 2012. Everyone will consider Miley Cyrus. You may want to buy in because you think cross-dressing is funny, or you might get asked by your girlfriend to dress as a bear/Robin Thicke while she wears a flesh-colored bikini. Please fight these temptations. There are better options.
2. Farrah Abraham and James Deen
Ah, Teen Mom and the professional porn star who starred in her "leaked," "unpaid" "sex tape." If you're a girl and going as Farrah, consider a small dress and a baby doll. (And horse teeth if they're lying around.) For James? Grow the scruff and look bemused by the entire situation. You can also stick a cucumber in your pants.
3. The Duck Dynasty guys
Dressing as Si, Phil, Willie et. al will be fairly common this year, but it shouldn't stop you from dressing as the Dynasty. The look is stupidly easy: Bandanas, camo, sleeveless shirts, and long, luxurious beards. Better yet, start growing a real beard now. There's like 27 days 'till Halloween. That's plenty of time.
4. The GTA Trio
Michael rocks a slick Italian suit (or a reasonable facsmilie). Trevor wears green for the Grove and a bandana. And whoever looks the most like classic Jack Nicholson gets to be Trevor, the sociopath with a dirty tank, dirty pants, and crazed smile.
5. John Boehner
While we can't recommend tanning the amount necessary to really pull off a Boehner, orange, Oompa Loopa-esque facepaint is a safe choice. Wear a conservative suit. Begin the night fired-up and excited, then become more and more depressed and resigned as the hours tick away. Make veiled references to "friends" who are really "tying your hands." Lose your job on the 1st.
6. Johnny Football
This could be really fun: Act like a douchebag, or just a really fun guy (depending on your Johnny Manziel stance). Wear an A&M jersey, obviously, and bring a visor in case you get too drunk and a friend has to "bench" you for a while. Pack a Sharpie. You've got a whole lot of signing other people's costumes ahead of you.
7. Aaron Hernandez
If you're thinking of going as Hernandez, you join 45 million Jets and Giants fans doing the same! And they can't be wrong! Right? Right?
8. Lost Lane Kiffin
You'll need the visor and the USC gear, but you can really take this costume to the next level with luggage. Just hold a duffle bag. Enter rooms by saying you just had a "long fucking walk from LAX."
9. Terry Richardson + Kate Upton
Could be an entertaining couples costume: You wear the big glasses and plaid shirt and slightly pervish stare; she, the massive jugs. Or switch it up, like Terry does.
10. Cokehead Paula Deen
I felt like Paula Deen is a pretty obvious costume, maybe too prone to stir up the political tensions. Paula Deen with cake batter under her nose, though? It's an image.
11. Vodka Samm
My personal favorite: VODKA SAMM. A bottle of Burnettes, a tank (with the words " Samm 3:41"), maybe a prison card if you're feeling creative. Vodka Samm lives.
12. 'Merican Guy
The 'Merica memes really took off this year. Wear whatever patriotic shit you've (undoubtedly) got laying around; make sure to never use the letter "A" if it starts a word.
13. I'm Shmacked Partier
Wear fluorescent and whatever big-school gear you have (Wisconsin, OSU, Myrtle Beach). Constantly point and WHOO at whatever camera you're nearby. If you want to take it to a more frightening level, rock a UDel tank and bring a large lighter.
14. Carlos Danger
This is, uh, borrowed from MSN, but I fucking love the idea of not going as Anthony Weiner, but Carlos Danger: His evil mustachioed alter-ego that speaks in a untraceable foreign accent and is actually responsible for all of Weiner's idiotic decisions. He is his own person. He is a genius costume.
15. A GIF
Buzzfeed is slowly consuming the Internet, and, indeed, the world itself—thanks in part to GIFs. How can you become a GIF? Act normally, dress normally, and pretend like nothing is wrong, but move only in four-second loops. Quit after four minutes.
ACTUALLY: Just go as the Laker Bros.
EXTREMELY IMPORTANT UPDATE:
16. Jon Taffer
Wear a suit, no tie, and a power bald spot. Yell "THAT'S CONTAMINATED" at the punch bowl and "SHUT IT DOWN" if the party or bar you're frequenting starts to suck. Don't embrace the excuses of picking a Halloween costume; embrace solutions.