Life
by A. Canty on June 10, 2014

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Life couldn’t be better when you have your best bud with you. The adventures you and him have been on are legendary. When you guys are hanging out everything becomes epic. There has not been a better team since Goose and Maverick, but then a dark ominous cloud appears and threatens to eclipse your entire friendship and she’s a is TOTAL BITCH! Every word out of her mouth is a nail in the coffin of your friendship as she relentlessly tells your buddy he shouldn’t hang out with you because you’re too immature, you’re too wild, you’re not responsible and he needs to find different friends. Well guess what bitch we were here first so it’s time to get rid of her. So there are a few things you need to do when this natural disaster hits in order to survive.

1. Remind your buddy how much fun life was before she came along

Go out and allow your buddy to be the star, hit every party, club and bar you can and it’s your job to be SUPER WINGMAN. Allow your buddy to always take the better looking girl and if that means you have to take her less attractive friend then so be it. I don’t care if her friend is so big you thought Kwame Kilpatrick got released from jail early and started cross dressing you better jump all over that Thoroughbred of a woman and ride her to victory. You’re Scottie Pippen and he is Michael Jordan, play your position and I promise you will win a championship.

2.  Capitalize on arguments they have

The second your buddy tells you he had a fight with his girl, FORCE him to go out and no matter how dumb the argument sounds (and it will sound dumb) as his friend you need to co-sign on anything he says . I don’t care if your buddy got upset because he thought 2 +2 was 22 and his girl corrected him all you say is “Man, I see what you’re saying.” Remember, at this point your buddy is so used to hearing that horrible girlfriend of his always correct him, he’s almost surprised to hear someone agree with him, so that’s your job you should agree no matter WHAT dumb stuff he says. If your buddy says “Hey, you know I really seriously think The Matrix could be real” all you do is look him square in the eye and say “I do to and also I think you’re the one…NEO, now let’s take red pill and find some agents to kung-fu fight”.

3. GO NUTS WHEN YOU GUYS GO OUT

Remember most girlfriends try to censor their guy’s behavior. Your buddy has to constantly hear “don’t curse, don’t wear that, don’t do that, you can’t say that, don’t drink so much.” So when you guys go out this is your chance to let him remember the freedom that comes with hanging with a pack of guys that see the ability to drink 8 beers, 5 shots, 4 mixed drinks and a half bottle of Jack Daniels and not throwing up as a goddamn super power that deserves praise.  Stay out late go to after parties and don’t head home until you see the faint pale blue light of dawn because your buddy’s nights with her usually consist of sitting on the couch next to her in sweat pants trying not to blow his own brains out as he clinches his teeth through another horrible episode of Scandal, Grey’s Anatomy, American Idol or The Biggest Loser. I’ll tell you who the biggest loser is…it’s your buddy that night for being forced to endure that horrible bitches choice in entertainment.

4. STRIP CLUBS

AHHH the working man’s paradise. We love the smell of cheap liquor, cigar smoke, body lotion, sweat and perfume in the morning — it smells like victory. Let your buddy remember that girls can be fucking awesome as he watches Tangerine, Mercedes, Ecstasy or  titan Titties hit the stage and pick up a five dollar bill without using her hands. Strippers are a man’s idea of what a therapist SHOULD be. Strippers only want to talk about you while they shake their ass and titties right in your face. Strippers are girls that don’t complain; they don’t cry, they don’t bitch about other girls they only want to show you this new trick they learned. Strippers are like female superheroes sent here to save your buddy’s sanity. The good news is once your buddy leaves a strip club filled with beautiful, sexy non-bitch like women, he’ll starting to see the error in his ways when he gets home that lazy, spiteful, insecure, out of shape, yoga pants wearing she-devil of his.

5.  His girlfriend is NOT as hot as she used to be

The good news for you is your buddy’s girl by now has gotten comfortable. By now her daily uniform of an old t-shirt, yoga pants, socks, and head scarf has really killed the passion. His girlfriend use to smell like sweet perfume and body lotion but now it’s just the over whelming odor of toothpaste, Noxzema and random snack foods. Your buddy has noticed  as she starts to let herself go, let her do the work for you each night as she grinds down the dead skin on her heels right in front of your buddy with a belt sander. Let your buddy really take a hard look at his “princess” as her underwear becomes bigger and bigger. When they first met she wore g-strings and thongs. now it’s those “comfortable” underwear that cover her entire ass and then it’s those big badge pair. When she’s on her period three months from now your buddy won’t know if she’s wearing underwear or swim trunks to bed. Oh yes, watch as her sexy lingerie morphs into an ankle length wool robe or Snuggie and a head scarf and bonnet.

Follow these steps my bros and we will free our captive brethren. LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND!

[Image via ShutterStock]

A. Canty

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