It's almost time for me to get f*cked up all over the great city of Philadelphia. But before I leave to do that, I need to announce our Bros of the Week. This column — which I've yet again taken the reins of — aims to shine a light on those Bros who made a noteworthy contribution to society, achieved something incredible, or just pounded p*ssy when the p*ssy pounding was good. Yeah, those all sound like things we wouldn't deplore. But enough bullshit, here they are.
5. Scotty Lago
Earlier this month, Lago took a spill while doing a trick that left his face looking rather hillbilly-esque. He fractured his jaw, broke/lost several teeth, and severed both his tongue and chin. He had to undergo surgery which included getting his jaw wired shut, and most people expected him to miss this week's Winter X-Games. But he's not. He is going to compete in all four of his scheduled events, nose breathing the entire time. I wouldn't say its remarkable, I'd say we expect nothing less from the U.S. snowboarder who got booted from the Vancouver Olympics because he let a fan kiss his f*cking cock in public.
4. Brett Keisel
Someone wrote in last week requesting that we add Keisel to this list. We ignored his email hoping the Jets would win, but since they didn't, I figured we'd give this man's beard it's due since he's been growning it since June. When asked about the beard, Keisel said, "I'm sick of the mustache getting into my food. I can't put my mouthpiece in without biting on it. "I'm sick of it, but I'm a team guy, and I'm going to ride this 'til the very end."
3. Drunken Owl
It won't be long till this boozed-up owl and the coke-carrying pigeon from last week become regulars at Charlie Sheen's parties. Hell, the two of them will come in handy when Sheen inevitably enters rehab. The pigeon's role is obvious: fly bags of blow into the compound for Sheen. The owl's role, however, has yet to be determined. I can't seem to formulate a logical scenario where it doesn't end with him dying and Sheen drinking his blood.
2. James Franco
Am I alone in thinking this, or does the Academy absolutely hate awarding Oscars (for leading roles) to Hollywood's young actors? I am sure it will happen again this year when Franco gets snubbed for his role in "127 Hours." The worst part is, he's going to lose to a guy who accurately portrayed someone with a f*cking speech impediment. Franco carried an entire movie on his own, while Colin Firth just had to act like f*cking Sylvester the Cat for a few scenes. What a f*cking joke. Franco is on the list for not only getting a shaft in the ass at every award show this season but because he called Meredith Viera out for basically giving Colin Firth the award no more than two minutes before she interviewed Franco on the Today Show. The clip is below.
1. Charlie Sheen
I don't care if people hate this pick. I don't care that he likely has a substance abuse, adult entertainment addiction, and narcissism problem, either. And yeah, he might be a dead-beat father, a shitty husband, brother, and son, but the f*cker knows how to let loose. You don't do the shit he is doing in 2011 and get away with it. Times have changed. But he is The Machine, and people just brush it under the rug as "Charlie being Charlie." It's like, "Oh, he's at the hospital again? That hilarious a**hole. I'll never forget the time he snorted a half pound of coke, lathered another half pound on his gums, and then sprinkled the remains around the rim of his a**hole. Typical Charlie."