Starting the week off with every Bro's Stifler's mom fantasy.
So it's senior year of high school, I was in a relationship with some junior chick; completely irrelevant, but she gives the meanest blow-job. I'm talking engulfing the cock as if it had poisonous snake venom in it and she was your last hope at surviving.
Anyway, so a couple of my boys and I are kicking back and bonging some brews at my best friend's house. Coincidentally, his sister (mildly attractive) has 4 friends sleeping over, one of them being this slam piece from Jersey who I've been friends with since 7th grade. For the record, when I was a chubster in 7th grade, this c*nt had the audacity to friend zone me. I would've done the same. On another note, she is completely sober and awkward as sh*t, but me being the egotistical son of a bitch I am, I am 110% sure she wants to f*ck the new and improved me (been crushing it at the gym).
I'm obliterated, and at this point my girlfriend matters about as much as women's rights. My mentality was that it's going to end when I go to college anyway, might as well f*cking do it. So the night goes on and my best friend surrenders his waterbed to us and I get the sex playlist on his laptop rolling. Thirty-seconds in the room together and we're butt naked, I'm slapping an ecstasy on and we go at it for about an hour.
Very lackluster sex, made me regret cheating on my girlfriend, untilllllllll… My friend comes in and says his mom heard everything upstairs. I know what you're thinking, ohhhh nooooooo. And naturally, at the time I was nervous, but a week later it ended up being the best f*cking decision I've ever made.
So, I take care of my friend’s cat when his family is out of town, meaning I own a key to his house. His mom, being the f*cking slamming Milf she is, texts me asking if I can take care of the cat. Not exactly the cat I had in mind. I get over to his house; walk in, and to my astonishment, his mom is in the kitchen washing the dishes. I assume she wants to f*ck me but she's not leading me on and then bam, she says “I heard those noises the other night, pretty impressive.” Just that statement had me fully torqued. My boner hit the rafters.
Within seconds I got closer, but then got nervous thinking “what if she's just f*cking with me?” She wasn't, she leaned over to grab the cat food right when I was passing by a narrow part of his kitchen, literally rubbing her cheeks on my rock hard bonedog. We make eye contact and I take this 50 year old milf(looks about 38) up to the 3rd floor and literally have the most wild sex I've ever had, to this day. I mean she was doing some of the kinkiest and raunchiest sh*t you'll ever see. I felt like I was in a top rated amateur video on p*rnhub. F*cking splendid.
Only to make matters better, her daughter(my best friends sister) walks upstairs and starts flipping the f*ck out, screaming at her mom, going f*cking apesh*t. Her mom tells her to shut the f*ck up and while they are arguing I just get dressed and walk out. The best part is the guy is still my best friend to this day, and whenever we're drunk, I'm the douchebag who rubs in that I f*cked his mom.
He wasn't lying, that whole part about his dick-sucking wunderkind of girlfriend was completely irrelevant to the story. But what a story it was, eh? You believe it?
So this story brings me back to the wonderful age of 16 and my junior year in high school.
My friend Steven was having a typical high school rager at his house filled with plenty of booze, drugs, Bros, and bitches wearing minimal clothing. Now, I had a long-term (sexy) girlfriend at the time and she wasn't supposed to be at this party. At least that was I thought.
Now, I show up and go downstairs and see one of my GF's friends who I'll call Abby. I always had a suspicion that Abby wanted my cock, but it never happened and never thought it would…
So I start slamming some drinks, ripping some bong, snorting some mali and in no time I'm feeling euphoric and extremely ready to take a chick to pound town.
As I'm texting my girlfriend and trying to get some puss, Abby comes over and blatantly starts hitting on me. She's decently drunk, but I was stupidly f*cked up and just started going with it.
About 15 minutes go by, and the next thing I know Abby's convinced me that my girlfriend told her it was okay for us to f*ck. I don't believe her, but I tell her that it's okay if she sucks on my dick a little bit.
So we secretly go into this closet that's under the stairwell and we start hooking up. She starts blowing me and it's absolutely outstanding. Right when I'm about to blow my seed down her throat my phone buzzes and I see it's a text from my girlfriend.
GF: Where are you? I'm at Stevens.
Almost before I can close the text, the door flies open, my cocks out, Abby's on her knees in front of me, and my girlfriend’s standing there looking at what's going on.
Now I'm thinking, well f*ck, looks like I just throw that relationship out the door and start coming up with some bullsh*t apology.
But before I could even say sorry, my girlfriend gets on her knees and starts licking my balls.
WHAT THE F*CK???? Is going on???
Apparently Abby wasn't lying, and she had been convincing my girlfriend to have a threesome with us for the past week and my GF succumbed for whatever f*cking reason.
So I'm sitting there in a crammed stairwell, with two broads sucking my dick, and I'm just thinking I'm the f*cking man. I don’t know if you've ever gotten a double blow-job but it's f*cking fantastic. As I'm about to whip out Mr. Trojan to have a better time…I hear somebody yell COPS.
I didn't even have any f*cking time to find my clothes. I bust out of the stairwell BUTT ASS NAKED, grab my half naked girlfriend, leave Abby behind, and head upstairs to get the f*ck out of there. I see the cops are in the front, and I look and only see one out back, so I just think f*ck it I'm going for it. I grab my biggest friend, we bust through the door, bulldoze through the f*cking cop, and my girlfriend and the entire party sprints outs behind me and charges into the abyss of the neighborhood we're in. We sneak our way to my car, drive back home, and my girlfriend services my blue balls — the nut I busted was major.
I show up to school on Monday like a f*cking legend. Everybody saw me bust out of the closet naked with two bitches, and they all saw me break through the cop and save everyone from getting an underage at the party. And I did it all f*cking naked without getting in trouble.
My girl and I eventually broke up but we still talk and laugh about that situation and how ridiculous it was.
I know it's an unbelievable story, but it was honestly the most absurd thing that has, or probably will ever happen to me.
My lacrosse team had a huge drinking problem. My junior year, we had a “captain's practice” because none of our coaches could make it to school that day. It being 80 degrees out, we decided to make that practice in the back yard of Round Table – the one place on campus where the students are allowed to drink in the open. We started buying pitchers and this turned into a full game of beer pong at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. Most of the other guys decided that they would go home and take naps because we had an exchange with the soccer team and a sorority later that night and they wanted to be fresh. I decided that everyone needed me to have a handicap because I was just too awesome. Or too wasted. Probably the latter.
I heard a couple of sophomores mention “my place”, “on campus”, and “handle of Jack” just inside of my earshot. My ears perked up, I ran over to the, grabbed them and we were on our way. After ripping a few shots, I decided we needed to cruise around and find some girls. Being a year older, these guys looked up to me and followed. Also, they probably would have followed a priest into church because I don't remember anything beyond this. They told me the rest. I'll put it in rough, chronological bullet points until the point where I regained my memory:
-We went to the nearest dining hall so they could buy me dinner with their meal points. This was pretty standard except for the fact that I ordered two sandwiches and a pizza. Allegedly, I ate one half of a sandwich and threw the pizza, like a frisbee, at a group of girls. I then walked up to the girl that made my sandwiches, told her it was “heavenly”, and invited her to the sorority party we were going to. We exchanged numbers. She was a solid 4 – I thought she was gorgeous.
-I walked out of the dining hall and threw my second sandwich at the RA's door. Just as he opened it.
-We went to the party and played more beer pong. I was not very good. I took the chance to aggressively try to drink the sorority under the table.
-I fell under the table.
-I found my phone under the table. It had five texts from “Molly” – the 4 from earlier. I convinced my roommate to text her the address.
– I went outside to wait for her and saw a giant rock that was about the size of my head. I tried to throw it through a car. A teammate tackled me and I got up muttering “f*cking thing was talking sh*t about driving”
-“Molly” shows up and we proceed to start eating each other’s faces in the middle of the party. We get kicked out.
Now the next day arrives…
I wake up, naked, in bed with a girl. I have never seen this girl in my life. I know this happens to everyone, and it has happened to me before, but I don't recall ever being this confused before in my life. I realize she is naked too. I am still about a 7/10 on the drunk scale. I look over to the nightstand and see a used condom. Safety first. She turns around and smiles, says she has to go to the bathroom. She goes nude and I almost vomit at the gelatinous creature walking across the room. To make it worse, she comes back in and starts WORKING ON A PAPER still naked. I've had enough.
I go into her kitchen and call my roommate, hoping he can magic a way to find me. He can't help because I haven't a clue how to explain where I am. He also tells me I missed morning runs. I mention something about missing practice that afternoon as well because I'll be grieving. The only way out of this is A) go talk to the girl, hoping she's cool and will give me a ride back to school, B) run away, or C) get out the same way I came in.
When I'm in the kitchen, I find some Captain Mo in the freezer, and chug. Rinse and repeat. Now I want to pass out again. I go lay down in the bed and she starts blasting Mac Dre and says, “I guess I can use a study break.” She f*cks me again. I grin and bear it.
That afternoon, I get to practice with no gear, wearing the same clothes from the night before, and reeking of sex and beer. I say, “Coach, I have no words…” Then he replied, “Don't worry. I'm not going to punish you. The guys already said you've been punished enough.”
Grin and bear it, my ass. You're telling us that you just sat there helplessly and let Gigantor f*ck you in the morning because you were fresh out of evacuation plans? Unless she said, “I guess I could use a study break” while pointing a gun at your head, I smell an ulterior motive for you agreeing to round two.
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