If Twitter were a dorm hall, then Goldman Sachs Elevator is the uber-douchey, yet undeniably funny rich kid in the single on the corner. Its author—an unknown GS employee who recently gave an interview with CNNMoney and came off like Patrick Bateman with a little more self-awareness—takes snippets of conversation heard in an GS worldwide office, then shoots them out to 460,000 finance types, gawkers, and other assorted followers. I've been on the bandwagon for almost two years now. The Tweets are sometimes very funny, and sometimes they'll turn a Romney voter into Mao Zedong. But they're always entertaining, even if most of the "elevator conversations" are undoubtedly fictional. No one really talks like this all the time, right?
Anyway, the man behind the account, recently slammed by a GS spokesman with the catty "He sounds like an investment banker from the ’80," also runs an Elevator blog. And, with Summer Analyst season almost at our doorstep, Mr. Elevator wrote a hilariously bold list of advice that promises to be the definitive guide to finding end-of-summer employment for June's Excel monkeys.
Some of the funnier highlights:
- If your boss smokes, smoke.
- If your boss is Indian or Pakistani, learn the rules of cricket. He probably also smokes, so see #1. But be careful, if he doesn’t, he’s a vegetarian yogi.
- Keep your shoes shiny, but don’t let anyone see you having your shoes shined. You have to earn it.
- If you went to a decent boarding school, subtly find out if anyone who matters went to the same school. Boom, he’s your rabbi. At this point, no one cares about college credentials; it’s a given.
- As it relates to fellow interns, make no mistake about it – it’s war: Let’s be clear. It’s impossible to compete with female interns. And it’s not cool. So don’t bother trying. When a fellow intern leaves his desk, change his screen (or screens) to rolex.com, porsche.com, or morganstanley.com. Come up with dismissive nicknames for fellow interns (Chico, Bud Fox, Fredo, Bubba, etc.). Hope that it catches on.
- Leave a jacket on the back of your chair at all times. While you are at it, keep a tie in your drawer. Zegna is a good choice.
- Ask the secretary for the travel schedules of the senior members of your group for the week ahead. She’s dumb enough to think you are being proactive. But now you know when you can sleep in, hit the gym, or beat the traffic to Southampton.
- Never tell racist jokes. Always repeat racist jokes in the proper company and be sure to credit ‘the other intern’ who told you. [Yeesh.]
- Don’t offer to buy drinks when out with your seniors; you can’t afford them and it won’t score any points.
- Bang a (female) intern, and tell the Associates and above about it. If they haven’t ever done it, they sure as hell always wanted to. They’ll respect you for it. And you’ll always be the guy that banged her first, before she ends up marrying that dickhead PMD in Emerging Markets.
- An MDs jokes are always funny. Period. And if you are at the receiving end of a joke, you better laugh with it. If you take yourself too seriously, no one else will. This is Wall Street. There is no such thing as ‘bullying’.
Finally, he assures the interns that even if they don't find Goldman Sachs glory, they'll still make millions. But it's "like being traded by the Yankees. It's just not the same."
[H/T: NY Post]