So you celebrate Cinco de Mayo because you’re a red-blooded American who has pride in the fact that an underdog Mexican army marched to victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. You head on over to your favorite Mexican-themed restaurant, or Looney’s Pub which is an Irish-style bar in this circumstance, and you proceed to eat your weight in enchiladas verdes and get shitfaced on $2 cervezas. That’s when some unpatriotic tool who can’t handle a few shots of tequila reposado gets up and attacks you by gnawing your testicles. And that’s exactly how you ruin the cherished American holiday of Cinco de Mayo.
This Cinco de Mayo party was gorishly disrupted on Tuesday night when Anne Arundel County police officer Michael Flaig, 31, attacked a man. Allegedly, the man was assaulted by two men, one of whom, Flaig, bit his testicles in the alley behind Looney’s Pub. There’s no good place to have your nuts chomped off, but in an alleyway has got to be one of the worst and probably least sanitary.
A police investigation learned that Flaig and another man jumped the victim outside the bar after the victim confronted Flaig about his touching his female friend and roommate. This guy wanted to get in this woman’s pants soooo badly that he nibbled on some other dude’s bollocks to show his unwavering allegiance to her. That’s nuts!
Flaig was found by police on the second floor of the bar with ball blood stains on his shirt and appeared inebriated. Flaig was placed under arrest for ballsy attack. Cinco de Mayo, more like Cero de Huevos.
Flaig is being charged with second-degree assault.
On Wednesday, Anne Arundel County police released the following statement:
“On May 5, 2015, the Anne Arundel County Police Department was informed by investigators with the Baltimore Police Department that a member of our agency was arrested. We have learned that Corporal Michael Flaig, a 10-year veteran of the Anne Arundel County Police Department assigned to the Northern District, was arrested and charged with a second-degree assault and public intoxication after an altercation in the Canton area of Baltimore.
The Baltimore Police Department is investigating this matter and any further inquiries as to the circumstances of this arrest should be directed to them. The officer’s police powers have been suspended and he has been placed on paid administrative duties.”
As if the Baltimore police P.R. department doesn’t have enough on it’s plate right now.