They don’t make ’em like they used to an parenting styles are no exception. Hence, brats populate schools and some even offices. Here’s why they’refit exclusively for scientific experimentation.
1.) Using Time Out
A male who uses “time out” as a form of discipline probably pees sitting down.
“Time out” gained popularity as an alternative to“discipline.” Gone are the days
when your dad beat the hell out of you with a belt. Or those dreaded moments when mom would opt for a hairbrush or a switch she made you pick off of tree.
Now kids can be certain that punching dad in the junk — because he failed to produce the latest version of Call of Duty as a reward for that D- he got on his math test — will result in only a few minutes in the corner. Of course, dad can use that time to his advantage and call an urologist.
2.) Making Every Kid A Winner
As was aptly pointed out in the movie 21 Jump Street, we’ve always had a medal for trying. And it is essentially a medal for sucking. Now medals are passed out like flyers for Vegas hookers and grades are inflated like the Hindenberg.
What’s the end product? A generation of fucktards who throw like drunken sailors and do math slightly worse. In fact, we’ve produced a generation of kids who lag the world in science, technology, engineering, and math. Of course, we can proudly claim to lead the world in such rigorous disciplines as performance art, dance, psychology, and cultural studies. Clearly, even if these kids fail intro psych and can’t put two numbers together, they should at least get a medal, or in this case an A, for trying. That’ll boost their self-esteem, cause them to expect a standing ovation every time they do anything short of taking a shit, and lead them to believe they’re better than they really are.
3.) Employing Free Range Child Rearing in Public
This is more dangerous to the safety of the America that Islamo-fascists and one thousand times more prevalent. You’re sitting in a restaurant, sipping a cup of coffee, enjoying your copy of The 4-Hour Orgasm. Then you hear it. You’re not sure if it’s a large bird or the sound of bad brakes. Sadly, your worst fears are confirmed: It’s a kid.
You’d think the parents standing idly by would step in on behalf of the legions of coffee-shop goers and slap duct tape over the offending child’s mouth because, you now, you can do anything with that shit. Still, they sit seemingly oblivious to the glass-shattering shrieks emanating from the little demon’s mouth, enjoying their sticky buns and coffee. Lesson taught to the kid: the world will accommodate you and you too can get away with murder.
4.) Giving the Little Bastard a Camera phone
Had I a child and were stupid enough to buy him a cell-phone, that electronic fucker would do one thing: ring. As we have seen, cell phones with cameras (i.e., almost all cell phones) bring out the inner pornographer in 13 year-old girls. Worse yet, they make sex offenders of
adolescent males.
You see, if your 14 year-old boy has a pic of his topless girlfriend on his phone, he possesses
kiddy porn. If he tries to show his friends what a stud he is by sending that un-airbrushed, poorly lit, train wreck of a felony to a good bro, he has just committed at least two . . . count ‘em . . . two crimes that will land his sorry ass in jail and his name on a registry.
Parents who buy their kids phones with cameras deserve all of the legal jeopardy they land in when they find out their best little boy in the world is an able-bodied Larry Flynt. Any future progeny of mine will be getting a Jitterbug.
5.) Over protection
You look outside. Dusk is setting in and the streetlights are coming on; the universal sign
playtime is over. Down the road, you see movement. Are they UN peacekeepers? Are they Q-Tips out for a night on the town? Nope. They’re kids riding their bikes home. They’re
wearing helmets.
Now, I’m not going to minimize the significance of traumatic brain injury, but the odds of it happening to your kid while riding a bike around the neighborhood are right up there with you winning Powerball. Parents seem to have forgotten that generations of kids rode bikes together and fell off the damn things either because they were klutzes, screwed up an awesome track-stand, or were kicked off by some douche nozzle in a fit of road rage. Despite these injuries, rivaled only by those who went to ‘Nam, we all survived to adulthood without looking like we were training for the Tour de France. So, maybe it’s time to lighten-up and
not make your kid look like an ass clown?
6.) Getting Medical Advice from a Playboy Bunny
In times gone by, four diseases were all but irradicated in the United States: measles, mumps, rubella, and whooping cough. Unlike riding a bike without a helmet, these diseases devastated children in utero and out. Seriously, the only sound worse than a child with whooping cough is worse than old people with COPD having sex (i.e., it’s really, really bad).
Then along came Jenny McCarthy. No college-degree-having, no-medical-training-sporting, used-to-work-in-a-deli Jenny McCarthy. Jenny, in a blinding display of medical brilliance and deductive reasoning, decided that because her son was Autistic, vaccines must be the cause.
It couldn’t be genetic, or some external cause like a bacteria or a virus. Nope, it had to be the vaccines; the one’s that have beens aving children’s lives for decades. So began her campaign against vaccination. Did this result in an end to or reduction in Autism? Nope. The mind-fucking thing that came of her campaign was that gullible mothers across the country actually listened to her! Hence, we now get to fight those diseases we had long-since gotten rid of, just because Jenny’s kid is Autistic.
So, if your single ass ever wonders why the world seems slightly shittier than it once was, look no further than the parenting techniques employed today.
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