Welcome to Hook-Up Heroes, our weekly column about jump-starting dead car batteries. This week we've got five stories for you. If you've got a story you think deserves telling, send it to the link located HERE with Hook-Up Heroes, Hooks, Hookers, Captain Hook, Hooked Pen*s, or Chode in the subject line for differentiating purposes. That's all for now. Pass on.
This first one involves a babysitter. More commentary to follow.
When I was 16, and a junior in high school, I threw a small party when my parents left town. All goes well but my friend left a beer can in my parents' room. I get in trouble, yelled at, the normal routine.
A couple weeks go by and my parents are going out of town. Not trusting me at this point, they call me a babysitter. A F*CKING BABYSITTER. I'm mad for obvious reasons. I was on friendly terms with this 22-year-old babysitter but I knew she was very religious and the odds of a party are small.
The next day I text her innocently asking if I can have a couple friends over and we would be drinking. Much to my surprise, she says “yes.” I'm pumped. I call my boys and the next day they come over with a handle and dual 30s. We have a chill night of drinking beer, pong, and flip cup. Due to lack of planning it’s my 9 friends and I and one 22-year-old girl in college. After a couple hours we have been drinking too much. She starts trying to feed us Cheerios because she too is drunk as hell. Everyone’s drunk.
Next thing I know she’s pulling at me and asking me to go to my parents' room where she’s staying. I'm drunk and willing. My Bros are trying to get her attention after we get to my parents' room. I'm on the verge of passing out when she leaves the room to go downstairs. Nothing happens.
Thirty minutes later I wake up to her grinding on my passed out body. She wants it. I'm not turning it down so, I start hooking up with this chick on my parents' bed. She starts sucking me off. It’s pretty sloppy but I don’t care because I'm drunk as hell. She was positioned sideways, so naturally I take the opportunity to start fingering her. A few minutes later, her sloppy puss is dripping all over my hand. So I look down and I see red on my finger. I immediately ask "are you on your period!" She says “no” and I continue not thinking.
Well I look down at my finger 20 seconds later and I see blood EVERYWHERE. I freak the f*ck out. I start yelling at her for being on her period and getting blood on my parent’s bed. Then I ran outside the door with just my boxers on and my bloody hand held in the air. My Bros are laughing like crazy and the laughter becomes, "that is f*cking disgusting." I wash my hands to the bone.
Proceed to go back up to the room with a bleach pen and throw it at her and yell "fix it!" I pass out around 4 a.m. disgusted. I wake up the next day around 2, all my bros are watching TV. I get reminded of the story and they all give me shit. She walks downstairs around 2:30 and if you think something is awkward think of this moment for me. My Bros get out of there faster than you can imagine. I tell her the house better be clean and I lock myself in my room the whole day until she leaves.
The worst part is whenever my friends become too drunk they bring up the time I got "raped" because she was 22 and I was 16 at the time. Oh, and since she was a family friend she came over Christmas dinner that year. I have not said a word to her since that infamous weekend.
Am I alone in thinking that sometimes you’ve got to run a few red lights in order to get where you’re going in life? You could have bagged a 22-year-old when you were only 16? I get that blood grosses some people out but you should approach random sex like it's football; you've got to play through the pain and you never call the game because of a little rain. NEXT.
This sob story doesn't even count as a hook-up but I couldn't NOT include it.
It’s my freshmen year and my best friend and I go to a football game where he meets his girlfriend. She introduces me to one of her single friends (who was on the uglier side of the standard line, but I let it go).
So we started texting and all that other bullshit and I take her to see one of the "Twilight" movies. By "coincidence" two of her friends were there as well and they cock blocked the shit out of me after the movie. At the end of the night, I tried to lean in to give her a goodnight kiss, but the b*tch doesn't go for it.
A few days later a few of her friends texts me and tell me she died in a car crash. Needless to say, I was pretty sad for the next few days.
Well, I later find out from one of my other friends that she broke her cell phone and thought it would be funny as shit to pretend she died so she didn't have to tell me that she didn't like me. I would have been okay with her having one of her friends tell me she didn't like me to my face or through a text message, but to pull shit like that is unforgivable.
I'll leave it up to you, the readers, should I get her back for it, or should I let it be?
For the rest of this week's stories, click to page 2.