(Sorry, that was my impression of a pissed-off guy I once met in a Scottish pub. Fun conversation. And he was good for cigarettes all night.)
Anyway, the Royal Family is very relevant today, because Kate Middleton is in labour, and every news station from across Planet Earth—i.e. that place that used to be colonized by Britain—is currently sitting in front of St. Mary's Hospital in West London. Middleton is one week late. Prince Willy is by her side. The sex of the child is in question. The queen is back home, smoking a pipe, playing with her corgis. EVERYONE IS ON EDGE.
If you don't care, at all, about any of the above info—and I'm willing to bet you don't—then you're probably a little annoyed today at the news cycle, social media, and your frantically texting mother. I can't do anything about the mom issue, but I can help make the Internet a little better, in five easy steps.
If you're in the UK…
You sound like you're from London-town! For your news fix today, head to the Guardian's website. The NSA news-breakers have a clickable option at the top right of the screen called “Not a Royalist.” Hit it, and all news about the Royal Baby fades away faster than William's hairline.
If you're on Twitter…
Sign up for Flittr. It takes about 20 seconds. Once you're in the system, its homepage will become your Twitter dashboard.
What makes Flittr so great? Go to Settings at the top of the page, then hit “Keyphrases.” Plug in “Kate Middleton,” “Royal Baby,” “Corgis,” or any other appropriate phrase to the “Blacklist” and, viola, any Tweet that mentions those words will be stricken from your Timeline. Twitter will become about 95% more male.
If you're on Facebook…
Reappropriate Unbaby.me. Unbaby.me is a Chrome extension that blocks baby pictures from your Facebook page, replacing them with snapshots of bacon, beaches, and Megan Fox. You can change around the blocked words to include possible children's names (Charles, Diana, Bucktooth Featherbottom), “Kate Middleton” and “Royal Family.” It's like you're a hacker!
If you're at the office…
You're probably in the clear. This is America. No one is going to broach the “Is it a GIRL?!” conversation in your elevator.
And, finally, if you're watching TV…
Do what you always do. Avoid CNN like the plague.
[Image via Featureflash / Shutterstock.com]
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