6. Pretending to have money.
At the bar you’re all like “no don’t worry, I’ll get the drinks, you can get them next time.” There probably won’t be a next time though… You just wanted to seem ‘rich.’ At dinner, you’re all like ‘It’s fine. I can throw in the extra money for tip. No need to pay me back.’ Oh, if they only knew your credit card is almost maxed out. And in the cab, you’re all like “I got this one. Let me use my card.’ Perhaps you’ll throw in the ‘you guys can give me cash,’ but part of you knows that no one is going to give you cash. Except maybe one person… but that’s really all you needed — That lone 5 dollars to use as cover to get in the bar. You act all casual walking away after spending $30 on a cab pretending it didn’t hurt you. Oh but it did. In fact, it hurt you more than it hurt your bank account. But you can’t show that. GOTTA KEEP PRETENDING YOU HAVE MONEY… even though you don’t.
7. Eating quinoa… and other organic foods.
It’s like you’re already spending money you don’t have on nights out with friends, so why not spend more on expensive foods? “Eating clean” makes it appear that you have money (NAHT), you’re healthy, and you can cook (Chef Instagram if you will). It gives you something to talk to other 20-somethings about (what do YOU put in your quinoa salad?!) and makes you feel like an adult even IF the quinoa is microwavable. Basically, if quinoa is not something you eat while on the couch watching Netflix in yoga pants with a glass of wine, GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT. Just kidding, I don’t even do all that. But if I did, maybe I would be cool.
#idontknowwhythisiscool. #butitis. #whenyoudoitasajoke. #likeonfacebook. #orpostthevideooffallonandtimberlakehashtagging.#sorrynotsorry.
9. Having an obscene amount of people like your activity on social media.
When someone likes your status… or your picture… or retweets you… or favorites your tweet… or even pins you’re fucking pin that you didn’t even put online in the first place, it makes you feel good. But when an obscene amount of people like your shit, that’s when you start to LOOK cool. It’s like that girl who always gets 50+ likes on her statuses. I don’t find her that funny, but other people do, so I guess she’s funny. Facebook is like a mini high school and likes determine popularity. That must be why everyone starts to want to get engaged. They want the 100+ likes on their relationship change activity. They want to see what long lost acquaintances and exes will come out of the woodworks to like the activity. It’s sick. We’re sick. But whatever.
10. Telling people you’re busy.
You can’t be busy all the time or people will stop inviting you to do things… or they’ll just start to dislike you. But if you’re only busy sometimes, people might wonder if YOU dislike THEM (gotta keep ‘em on their toes). They’ll wonder why they’re never busy, and deem you as a cooler, more social person than them. You will seem like you have all these friends, but still seem to make time for everyone… therefore making you a fucking blast. ‘How does she do it?!‘ they’ll think. Little do they know, you’re probably on the couch… with a bottle of wine… watching Netflix… in yoga pants.
Soooooo there you have it. Are you cool?