1. Drinking wine — at the bar.
Waltzing around a bar or club with a glass of Pinot in your hand makes you look like a mature disaster. You’re showing you’re still a fucking blast (you’re drunk and out), but you’ve also grown out of vodka (for the moment) and grown into wine. It shows men that you CAN be a mom (moms <3 wine) despite the arms you’re flailing around and the obscure shit coming out of your mouth. A wine glass in hand while out shows that you will probably one day have it all together, just not yet.
2. Reading BuzzFeed. Oh you read BuzzFeed?
You’re like sooooo cultured. A recent study came out that 20-somethings are more likely to NOT follow the news. But did they factor BuzzFeed into that? Because we love that shit. What a fantastic idea to mix hard news with 90s nostalgia articles and posts making fun of Miley Cyrus! That’s the only way you’re going to keep us cultured. Also, BuzzFeed is uniting people. I’ve never seen so many people come together on Facebook laughing and conversing through a shared link’s comment section. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, clearly you’re not a very cool 20-something.
3. Watching Netflix original TV shows.
Netflix is not totally mainstream (yet), therefore giving it hipster status. But like a good hipster status. If you can get into Netflix shows it means you have money (to afford Netflix) or friends to steal Netflix account passwords from, you’re smart (you can understand a good intellectual show), and you have a good sense of humor (intellectual humor). Like, I have 5 words for you: Orange is the New Black. If you watch this show you are in a club of very special people. If you don’t, sorry. I mean, Netflix even picked up the cult show Arrested Development for a 4th season. Even though it kind of sucked, they know what’s up. Netflix is cool. And people who watch their original series are too.
4. Staying in once in a while.
Obv staying in on a regular basis isn’t cool. But once every other month — that’s pretty cool. First of all, it’s mysterious. Like, why now? It’s kind of like when Regina George got fat and Cady became the new queen bee and told her ‘friends’ she was staying in — or going to some weird concert with her parents (same thing… not drinking = staying in) — and they were all like ummm, what are we supposed to do? Staying in out of no where makes those around you kind of jealous that they can’t shake their FOMO and makes them wonder why they can’t grow up and stay away. Your absence may also make people realize you’re actually fun and show them why you SHOULD be around. You gotta let people miss you every now and then, right?
5. Listening to EDM.
What is it about this music that makes a neon-clad 20-something cool? Is it because college students are basking in this ritual so it makes a post-grad seem like they still got it? Is it because it shows that he or she likes to RAGE? Is it because it makes a 20-something mysterious — like do they do that trendy drug ‘Molly’ or do they just like FUN? Hmm, I honestly have no fucking idea. Then, you have dubstep… which makes you slightly more cool if you listen to it. Remember when old people called the rap music we were listening to in high school “noise?” Well, that wasn’t noise. This is noise. Like, it’s actually noise. Does it make me old for thinking that? Because I’m not even against dubstep. I am open to some dubstep songs. It is just actually legitimate noise. But anyway, EDM in general comes with wearing neon, crop tops, fanny packs, headbands, and those oversized tanks… so you gotta love it. It’s cool.
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6. Pretending to have money.
At the bar you’re all like “no don’t worry, I’ll get the drinks, you can get them next time.” There probably won’t be a next time though… You just wanted to seem ‘rich.’ At dinner, you’re all like ‘It’s fine. I can throw in the extra money for tip. No need to pay me back.’ Oh, if they only knew your credit card is almost maxed out. And in the cab, you’re all like “I got this one. Let me use my card.’ Perhaps you’ll throw in the ‘you guys can give me cash,’ but part of you knows that no one is going to give you cash. Except maybe one person… but that’s really all you needed — That lone 5 dollars to use as cover to get in the bar. You act all casual walking away after spending $30 on a cab pretending it didn’t hurt you. Oh but it did. In fact, it hurt you more than it hurt your bank account. But you can’t show that. GOTTA KEEP PRETENDING YOU HAVE MONEY… even though you don’t.
7. Eating quinoa… and other organic foods.
It’s like you’re already spending money you don’t have on nights out with friends, so why not spend more on expensive foods? “Eating clean” makes it appear that you have money (NAHT), you’re healthy, and you can cook (Chef Instagram if you will). It gives you something to talk to other 20-somethings about (what do YOU put in your quinoa salad?!) and makes you feel like an adult even IF the quinoa is microwavable. Basically, if quinoa is not something you eat while on the couch watching Netflix in yoga pants with a glass of wine, GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT. Just kidding, I don’t even do all that. But if I did, maybe I would be cool.
#idontknowwhythisiscool. #butitis. #whenyoudoitasajoke. #likeonfacebook. #orpostthevideooffallonandtimberlakehashtagging.#sorrynotsorry.
9. Having an obscene amount of people like your activity on social media.
When someone likes your status… or your picture… or retweets you… or favorites your tweet… or even pins you’re fucking pin that you didn’t even put online in the first place, it makes you feel good. But when an obscene amount of people like your shit, that’s when you start to LOOK cool. It’s like that girl who always gets 50+ likes on her statuses. I don’t find her that funny, but other people do, so I guess she’s funny. Facebook is like a mini high school and likes determine popularity. That must be why everyone starts to want to get engaged. They want the 100+ likes on their relationship change activity. They want to see what long lost acquaintances and exes will come out of the woodworks to like the activity. It’s sick. We’re sick. But whatever.
10. Telling people you’re busy.
You can’t be busy all the time or people will stop inviting you to do things… or they’ll just start to dislike you. But if you’re only busy sometimes, people might wonder if YOU dislike THEM (gotta keep ‘em on their toes). They’ll wonder why they’re never busy, and deem you as a cooler, more social person than them. You will seem like you have all these friends, but still seem to make time for everyone… therefore making you a fucking blast. ‘How does she do it?!‘ they’ll think. Little do they know, you’re probably on the couch… with a bottle of wine… watching Netflix… in yoga pants.
Soooooo there you have it. Are you cool?
This post originally appeared on Forever Twenty-Somethings.
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