Life
by Fitz E Fresh on December 31, 2013

emrat

Q: Hey Babe, All things being equal, which would you prefer in bed: a guy who is a top level crossfitter or a yoga master and why?

Conversely which of those two types of girl do you think a guy would prefer?

A: While I respect the hell out of both types of agile, energetic and ripped bods, when push comes to shove (me up against a wall), I’m going for the yogi. He’s flexible as hell with the endurance of a cheetah and patient self-awareness of Buddha.

Downward dog? Don’t ask me twice.

Mr. Crossfit on the other hand is equally as fit, if not more visibly ripped—but he’s a little too bulky and a lot too proud of his sport.

Crossfitters have these sort of cultish tendencies, meeting in warehouses at 4 in the morning to throw tires around then Instagram pictures of their workouts using hashtags like #fitforlife and #themoreyoutrain, which just bothers me. It’s a bit much really, and if I tried hard enough I could probably climb a rope using only one arm too.

Interestingly, I’d assume a dude would feel the same way about an either/or female match. Doesn’t every guy dream of boning a yoga instructor? Again; flexible, wise… all around sexy.

Meanwhile Crossfit lady might be a little too capable of bench pressing you off of the bed. Gotta hate it when her pecs are the same size as your own.

Q: Hey what’s up good looking babe, just wanting to get your opinion on this sitch. So recently I’ve been hanging out with this girl. She asked me why we haven’t hooked up, so we had a little kiss which happened about 3-4 times throughout the night. She’s a very pretty girl, like has about an 8-9 for a face, BUT she is overweight. Like she’s fat, so of course that’s why I haven’t hooked up with her b/c my friends would undoubtedly find out and give me shit for it. I mean I’m no chubby chaser, however, if she dropped weight and became skinny, I would totally hookup/date/fuck her (anyone of the three). So when I see her at the start of next semester, how do I tell her that I’m not into her b/c she is overweight or should I keep it a secret and hookup with her and try to hide it from my bros? Or thirdly, should I just not make it evident that I think i like her? What are your thoughts and suggestions?

A: It’s bad enough to consider telling your steady girlfriend that she needs to lose a few. But giving a random girl the ultimatum of “become non-chubby or we’re not hooking up” just isn’t cool.

Or effective.

You don’t like this girl because she’s fat. Period. Don’t make her suffer even more by telling her to her face that her chubby physique just isn’t good enough for you.

Since I don’t have a gauge of exactly how obese this lady in question is, it’s hard for me to tell if you really are a chubby chaser in disguise or sort of just shallow/picky. Either way, I think it’s best if you leave this girl to her own devices and take it no further than the “little kiss” you’ve already engaged in.

I hope you find someone suitable to your skinny needs; or that you turn into Shallow Hal and live in blissful ignorance forever more.

Q: Is it possible to get friend-zoned after hooking up with someone multiple times? I started hooking up with some girl from school a few weekends in a row who I have some interest in. We even hung out sober during exam week a little. Now there is a month long hiatus of no serious contact due to Christmas break, besides one or two snaps/texts a day. Does this take some wind out of the sails?

A: Eh, I think you’re okay here. Getting friend-zoned is always a possibility; and don’t you forget it. Keep your radar on high alert at all times.

But I think homegirl’s move here is more along the lines of playing it cool rather than phasing you out. You’re still in some form of contact on the daily which means she’s still interested, but the holidays can be an awkward time for interactions with someone you quasi, sort of, don’t really know if you like. Unless she ends contact or starts indulging you with stories of her hookups, don’t worry about it.

For now, focus on reigniting those old high school flames and enjoying yourself before returning to campus.

Q: So last year going into college as a freshman I told myself that I was not going to get into a relationship, but was talking to this girl at the time and ended up taking her to my formals, etc. The problem was that she was not putting out and the only way she would was if we were in a relationship so I moved on. Fast forward to this year, I told her I needed some time before we could start talking again, but before I could she was with another guy.

Problem is that I can’t get her off my mind and I like her a lot to where I would get into a relationship. What do I do?

A: This one is on you, breau. You ended things with a girl you (still) have feelings for because of her lack of sexual engagement and your lack of relationship commitment. What it boils down to is that you could’ve gotten what you wanted if you’d just given a little more in the first place.

Sure, nobody “wants” to end up in a serious relationship in college. It’s not an ideal time for commitment. But who says it has to get serious in the first place?

These are the things you just can’t plan, despite every effort to do just that—so don’t sweat it. At the risk of sounding extremely cheesy, sometimes you just have to follow your heart. And if that means changing your original plan of being a college bachelor for the sake of having a potentially meaningful relationship… so be it.

Unfortunately for you, this might be a life lesson in missing the boat timing-wise. Seems like just as you’ve realized her worth, she’s moved on to another man. It’s mistakes like this that allow us to correct them in the future. So avoid stalking her, but also let her know you’re thinking about her. If she seems responsive, let her know your real feelings. Maybe she’s playing a little game of hard-to-get herself.

Q: Dear Babe,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about three months, she’s my second girlfriend. When do we start trying out some kinkier positions? Is it too soon to suggest anal or other things?

Not really feeling this once a week missionary business.

A: Hold your horses there, stallion. Three months isn’t always ample time for a girl to unlock the chastity belt, much less the ass-tity belt, so slow your roll.

However, if you’re really only getting down once a week in the holy position, we can probably find a happy medium between that and say, butt plugs. So yes; too soon for anal suggestions, but not too soon for new positions in the sack. It sounds like you could do some research on your end—the karma sutra is not a porn DVD. Embrace it. Look for positions you think you’d be good at, then test them out and see if she enjoys them as much.

If at first you don’t succeed, do try and try again.

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