Hey guess what? Nick Swardson said he’d do this but then he couldn’t because “his computer broke.” Odd that a famous person couldn't procure a new one within minutes but I'm sure he is devastated about missing out. I remember how distraught I was the last time my computer broke. Sent me back to the Dark Ages. And by that I mean, jaggin' off to my head movies and Fresh Prince episodes featuring the old Aunt Viv.
Q. What is a Bro that takes one for the team?
A. One hell of a friend? A “numbers” kind of guy? A closeted BBW enthusiast? A man of poor taste? A purple heart recipient? Depending on the champion who did it, one of those is probably applicable. If he did it for you, thank him because a man of immense intelligence once said, "No shit, No roses." And although that is supposed to be interpreted in a different way, your Bro ate the shit so you could sniff the roses.
Q. Some friends and I were having a drunk conversation and we had the following question: If a vegan girl gives you dome, is she still vegan? What if she swallows? Technically it is an animal made product.
A. Vegans are idiots. Nothing about them makes sense to me. They can wear clothes and sit on furniture made from dead animals or animal products, but they can’t eat them or anything they produce? Doesn’t add up.
That said, I've come to realize a few things about chicks who go to extremes with their beliefs. No matter if it's religion or strict dietary habits, if a chick wants to be a discharge swallowing cock sucker, nothing is going to stop her. Being a hoe momentarily trumps everything. Remember that.
Q. So I was going to start talking to this girl who I’ve seen working at a Walmart close to me. But one night I saw her at the strip club, and she happens to work there too. How can I approach her without her thinking I’m talking to her just because I know she’s a str*pper?
A. Found yourself a career woman, huh? Despite your uncertainty, something tells me unless you've got a cleft lip that reaches your eyelid, whatever you say when you approach a girl who works at Walmart and also strips will yield results. Try, "Hi. My name's Dave and I know a great place to get a McRib." 100% success rate.
Q. Has anyone heard of this clique vodka? It’s blowin’ up around Pittsburgh right now. apparently its the next big thing. move over three olives and ciroc.
"it's blowin up around Pittsburgh right now...because no one in Pittsburg has ever heard of, or tasted, vodka until this. Have you guys!?!"
You do realize we're not complete retards right? We've all got college degrees from top universities, so we're classically trained retards at most. Which means, although our brains are sluggish and at times unresponsive, we're very capable of deducing what's a genuine question and what's a clear attempt to get a product plugged on our website.
But since you've mentioned it, I sure have tasted Clique vodka and it's f*cking terrible. The liquid turd of vodkas, is how I'd describe it.
Q. Is 21 to young to be tied down?
A. WITHOUT QUESTION, YES.
Q. So I'm in college and I recently had sex with a guy. The next weekend I wanted to have sex with him again so I texted him when I was extremely drunk. We were both in the same understanding that we were going to use each other for sex. But in my drunken state of mind, I had sex with him and then yelled at him like a psycho telling him he's lucky he has a big dick because i like nothing else about him. Do you think he'll still be DTF?
A. You just paid him the highest compliment. Of course he’d still be down to f*ck you. But be warned, your praise of his phallus was wrapped in insults, so next time he’ll probably try to obliterate the inner workings of your vag*na. Going to leave it looking like war zone.
After that, your comments will be water under the bridge -- except the big dick thing, he'll hold onto that for quite some time. But before I wrap this up and move on with my life, I think it's YOU that needs to know you're lucky you have a vag*na -- any vag*na at all, really -- because he probably likes nothing else about you. Truth.
Follow me @JCammBB or call me at all hours of the day, preferably screaming bloody murder at (212) 242-5627.