We've got a lot to cover in this week's Ask a Bro but before we get down to business, let's bow our heads in a moment of silence for any and all sl*ts currently sidelined with a frothy yeast infection. Never underestimate the power of prayer, you guys. Now on to the mailbag. Send your questions in here.
Q. So, my Bro and I were having a debate. He had a chick issue him an ultimatum: she would suck on his balls but only if he allowed her to finger his a**hole. He would not oblige. I told him that he should have and that "One finger wouldn't hurt." Which one of us is right here?
A. To an extent, you’re both right. But before anyone mistakes me for a fan of having my gashole finger f*cked, please allow me to explain.
To your point, having one finger up your a**hole doesn’t hurt, at least not physically anyway (unless you’ve got a stock pile of hemorrhoids up there). How do I know? Well, I’ve had the misfortune of a doctor doing it to me during an exam and while it certainly wasn’t the highlight of my day, it wasn’t traumatic either. But that was a professional providing me with what I was lead to believe a necessary health service, not some amateur exhibitionist with God knows what living under her fingernails (face grease, nicotine, zit puss, the sucker from last night’s feces, etc.) puncturing my prostate.
What it all boils down to is you're devaluing your a**hole. I’m not letting anyone (board-certified specialists notwithstanding) near my outer rim for a measly bl*wjob. It’s a terrible trade once you look at the economics of it. One is worth WAY more than the other. Now I can maybe see entertaining the idea for sex with a hard 9, but the ultimatum you just described currently isn’t working for me. For that, I’m forced to side with your pal here. Unlike you, he can smell an unfair barter a mile away.
[AG's Note: Have to chime in here to simply ask, What the f*ck is wrong with this girl that the condition that she's laying on this BJ is not that the guy do something to her but that she gets to do something else to him? Reciprocal oral is one thing, but what kind of weird fetishes does this girl really have?]
Q. Let's be straight, I'm insecure as f*ck. How can I just let go and enjoy myself without being a total p*ssy?
A. If we’re just talking socially, when you’re out trying to get girls and cut loose, booze helps. But if you’re referring to life in general, you probably want to find a more permanent, less toxic solution. Probably.
It would be easy for me to say, “Bros are confident as f*ck, man up you tender p*ssy,” but let's be real for a moment. No one wants to fail, and insecurity is natural. However, it’s important that you don’t let it psych you out or sway your confidence, especially in the moment. There’s no magic trick that’s going to “fix” you. Failure is always a possibility, but you can’t approach a chick, or a tee shot, or a game-winning field goal with that in mind. If you do, you will Cundiff the f*ck out of it EVERY SINGLE TIME. So be delusional. Find a way to convince yourself that you’re better than you are in your least secure moments.
Q. In light of the recent Kate Upton video that has kept my boner rock hard for the past few weeks, I have pondered up a situation in which a person may choose to not have sex with Kate and her beautiful bouncing balloons: You get to ravage Kate and engross yourself in whatever freaky, unimaginable sexual endeavors you choose. BUT... you have to commit all of these sexual deviations on a bed of fat, smelly, hairy, recently deceased dead men — all of whom are covered in diarrhea. Lastly, Norv Turner is jerking off onto you.
1. Do you think you could be able to maintain an erection?
2. Given that you could maintain an erection, would you willingly engage in sexual congress in such an unpleasant atmosphere?
A. Did you even read how ridiculous this question is before you sent it?
First off, who the hell replaced the skin on Norv Turner’s face with my scrotum? He may be worse off than Frank Beamer. And that's saying something. I mean, if his face looks like that can you imagine how haggard his ball-bag must look? Having sex on top of dead bodies and the faint smell of shit pale in comparison to a live Norv Turner milking his butchered old sac in front of me.
Even if you remove Norv from the equation there's still no chance I’m maintaining an erection or getting off in that environment.
Q. First Off, if being a Bro were a religion, you would be Moses. Keep up the good work. What kind of music does the Bro to end all bros listen to?
A. I’ve been told my penchant for Pearl Jam is borderline reprehensible, but your ears like what they like. And for the most part mine favor things that fall in the rock genre. I do, however, listen to all kinds of music under the one stipulation that the songs have lyrics. To me, words provide meaning, elicit thoughts, and bring the song to life. Which I'm told is the same basic effect Molly has for you electronic lovers.
Q. Hey dude, here's the deal: I'm a brown (Indian) kid who was born and raised here in the States. I'm pretty much as American as it gets. I love apple pie, burgers, white gals, and guns. And when people get to know me, they see that I'm an American, who just happens to be brown, but the problem is I still look different. And nothing I do can change that (apart form pulling a Michael Jackson, which is NOT happening). And I'm wondering if that's affecting in me in the ladies department.
Let me clarify and say that I don't have trouble with gals for the most part, quite the opposite in fact. I have girls telling me I'm one of the best looking Indian kids they've ever seen. But they fact that they feel the need to state this makes me wonder whether I'm being held to a lower standard and they're hooking up for the exotic factor, or whether some gals are actually holding back because I'm not one of the "mainstream" colors like white/black.
Don't get me wrong, I'll hook up with any of these gals if they're willing, regardless of their reasons, but I was wondering if you had any insight as to whether my chocolaty looks could be affecting my game, and if so how?
A. Yeah man, I’ve got to disagree. Michael Jackson kind of pulled off that whole whitewashed look. If anything looked silly, it was that ONE diamond-studded glove he always wore. You’d need 6-ply f*cking toilet paper to safely wipe your ass with that thing. So impractical.
Real answer: Physical attraction, at times, can be somewhat racist. FACT-O-LIFE. To sit here and throw sugar down your throat trying to ignore the elephant in the room would be stupid. Some people are drawn to how you look and others aren’t. That’s just how it goes. And it happens to even us “MAINSTREAM” colors.
Generally speaking, people tend to flock to what they know and are familiar with. Yeah, interracial relationships are everywhere, but they still aren’t the norm. External factors probably contribute to that more than anything. Different cultures, religions, societal standing, and for those more ”sheltered” people a touch of racism, like questioning, “What would my parents, family, or friends think if I was with this person?” Fucked up? Yes. Reality? Also yes.
Q. I'm a senior in high school and I was dating a junior. She led me on hardc*re, so I f*cked her older sister, which she got back at me by blowing one of my friends in computer class. My question is would it be OK for me to f*ck her younger sister in grade 9 as well?
A. Yes, absolutely, 100%. You'd be a local hero for weeks. Or at least until she f*cked your dad and destroyed your entire family. Seeing as how she blew one of your friends in computer class, I wouldn't put that past her. She seems like a bold b*tch and not one to shy away from a vengeance bang. Plus she will always be able to get more dick than you can get p*ssy. When you think about it, she's a formidable opponent.
P.S. What third-world dump do you live in where kids are getting BLOWJOBS IN CLASS?
[AG's Note: Um, yeah, but if you're 18, and she's clearly underage, you shouldn't do it.]
Q. Whose position would you have rather lost the division championship game in? Billy Cundiff or Kyle Williams?
A. I’d much rather have bombed in Williams's shoes. Don’t get me wrong, I still think he was the bigger goat and influenced the game more negatively (two scores instead of one), but he doesn’t have to endure the Ray Finkle/Scott Norwood comparisons. He also didn’t muff the catch; he fumbled on the return while trying to make a play. There’s a big difference there. Psychologically it’s less damaging to his confidence than what Cundiff will have to overcome. Plus, a kicker is on an unavoidable island out there; Cundiff can’t escape the next time he’s called to win the game. Williams, on the other hand, can always run in the opposite direction or call a fair catch.
Q. Alright, what's the best face in sports: Eli's face after he gets up after a sack and is blaming his o-line for everything, Tim Duncan's face after not getting a foul he feels like he should have gotten because he's a legacy, or Tim Tebow's org*sm face (which has yet to be revealed to the public or to any other person)?
A. I’m going to assume that by “best” you actually mean, “most retarded looking” and of course that distinction goes to none other than the Super Bowl's own Eli Manning. The moment Timmy Teebs lets a chick take a knee and he rips that inaugural load; it could be a different story. That first surge changes a man. I’m f*cking normal and mine almost left me with bell's palsy face.