Q. I just got done with my first year of college, and I've given my number out to numerous women who I've met at parties. Anyways, in the beginning of the year, having a girl’s number was a good way to get a one-night stand, but after a while I started meeting a ton of girls who were way to clingy for me. So my question is what is the best way to have a one-night stand with out giving out your number?
A. The best, simplest, and most effective way to never give your number out is to start closing on the first night. Forget the texting foreplay and the chase, you need to close on night number one and then disappear forever. You send your load sailing and then POOF! you’re gone.
Get her number in the morning — should your drunk dick need a fallback one night — but don’t give her yours in return unless you really think she is someone you want to sleep with again and again. Aside from closing on the first night, or having a dedicated pre-paid cell phone for chicks (which seems 50% brilliant, 50% rapey), your only real option is to ignore, ignore, ignore once her actions begin to seem stalkerish.
Q. Is it annoying or a turn on (for guys) when they take a chick home from the bar but they don’t pass 2nd base?
A. I mean, is it annoying for a girl when a guy gives her HPV? Of course, it’s f*cking annoying! I’ve never brought a girl home just to suck her tits and cuddle, nor has any other guy (save for Tim Tebow) for that matter. Hell yes it can piss us off, but how much really depends on the quality of the chick. If we’re talking about being stonewalled by a total babe that you’d bang sober, then I’m not going to care that much. She respects herself and there’s always next time. But, and this is a BIG BUT, if the girl is not next-time-worthy, it’s a real drag because now we’ve gone dumpster diving and all we have to show for it is a better sense of what gross tits veins look like.
I don’t know the answer to this dilemma of “do you, or do you not, go home with him?” but ladies, be aware of yourselves and the expectations. If you think he’s out of your league he is probably looking for one thing and you can bet he's going to be livid when all you let him do is suck your face and juggle your funbags.
Q. Cats or dogs and why?
A. The answer, without question and by a country mile, is Dogs. A few bullets as to why are below. Feel free to add others in the comments or, if you suck wildly at life, defend why cats are a better pet.
1. Dogs = a Bro's best friend. Cats = something a fat, lonely chick stockpiles to distract her from her pathetic reality.
2. You can't walk a cat; therefore cats won't help you get vag. Unless you’re looking for brand of unkempt vag that's no doubt attached to the aforementioned pathetic chick.
3. Your dog will sh*t and piss all over the front yard of the neighbor you hate. A Cat, meanwhile, would leave you hanging to do the job yourself.
4. And finally, cats can't do this…
Q. I'm always really horny on my period, I wanted to know on a scale of 1 to 10 how gross do guys think it is to have sex with a girl on her period? 10 being the grossest.
A. Random girl, totally hot, never been banged before, drunk out of my mind: the level is a “2.”
Girl I’ve f*cked before, totally sober, don’t feel like showering again or ruining my sheets: the level is anywhere from a “6” to a “9” depending on my mood and how excited I am to clean up a bloodbath.
The only time that bar hits a “10” (for me) is if the girl is out-of-this world disgusting and her p*ssy is a questionable docking station to begin with. Conversely, the only time that bar hits a “1” for me is never. Foreign blood all over my junk is still foreign blood all over my junk and that’s always going to ruffle my feathers.