Life
by J. Camm on June 26, 2013

Q: Oh mighty JCamm, direct your wise and merciful gaze upon this humble bro and his delicate situation. This past weekend, I was out of town partying with two college bros. The place we were at was full of my one bro’s high school crew, including an absolute dime that he was fucking at the time. Now I’m a humble bro and do not say this lightly, but this girl was absolutely gunning for my cock. I’m talking fingers desperately groping for my raging bone-dragon. Now this was my friend’s girl, so I figured my hands were tied on it and I would just have to deal with the blue balls, but when I told him the situation, he just said “It’s cool, bro. Sharing is caring.” Now, I didn’t hook up with this chick that night because her BAC was slightly overboard (OVER 9000!!!!!!) but my question is, is it bro to get with another bro’s chick, even if he drunkenly gives you the green light?

A: I'd need at least three dozen hands to count how many times someone has told me “Being drunk is not an excuse, J.” With that in mind, I'd fuck her if I were you and then slap your friend in the face with “Being drunk is not an excuse, Chad” when he regrets giving you his blessing during a moment of inebriated weakness. After all, that is what society wants you to do: punish bad drunken behavior. REFUSE to accept it as an excuse.

While we are on the topic, FUCK SOCIETY. Being drunk is both an excuse and a reason. It might not be the best excuse/reason, but I fucking hate when people say it isn't. I would have lived a perfect life if it wasn't for booze fogging my otherwise impeccable judgement. Consequently, I also would have had way less sex.

Why is it a valid excuse? Let's put it this way: if I can say that I shit myself in my sleep because I was drunk and EVERYONE agrees that is why it happened, then I certainly think I can pin at least 95% of why I cheated on my girlfriend in college on being drunk. 

So as much as no one likes hearing it, being drunk is a really valid excuse. Provided it's not inconvenient for your own agenda.

Q: I'm starting the planning process of spring break in Cancun. Do you know of any good resorts or tips of Cancun to make it the perfect shit show?

A: As far as I know, the Oasis is the only one that is worth a shit for Spring Break chaos. You can probably make due elsewhere, but that was the place to stay when I went to Cancun and I still think it holds true today. Tragically, I didn't stay there. Instead, I stayed at this other all-inclusive shitbox of a hotel that was filled with mostly couples and only a few packs of raucous spring breakers such as myself. Suffice it to say, I lacked all appreciation for hateful stares coming my way when I kept pissing my bathing suit while sitting at the pool bar. What can I say? Daddy likes to piss whenever he damn well pleases.

And holy shit, look at you with the year-in-advance event planning.

Q: Bro,

So I dated this chick for a few years. I moved with her about an hour when she went to nursing school. I'm a firefighter, so I thought we were going to be an awesome power couple. We lived in the Capital City of our State. She went to the State University for school. She was a solid 9, and was going to make more money than me. I already make like $60k anyways. I was set with this girl. We were ring shopping even.

This girl fucks like a champ, loves it EVERY way possible, and basically did any and every thing I wanted her to do in bed.

So, then all of a sudden she transfers to a different school and leaves me high and fucking dry. She didn't even tell me she wanted to end things. She just stopped talking to me. Total bitch move.

Found out the other day she has someone new at the new school. Another woman, actually…

So my question is WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT ABOUT!!!??? I know the girl likes dick way too much to be a lesbian.Is this just a early twenties experimental phase?

A: I remember the first time I turned a chick gay…

Seriously though, If I were you I'd be substantially pissed. While not self-inflicted, this has to sting WAY worse than what Manti Te'o and other invalids do to themselves falling in love on the Internet with fake people who have six really hot pictures and nothing else on their profile. Those people deserve whatever comes to them, but you, you are a victim.

Maybe she just figured herself out? Or perhaps she was living a lie all along? In this day in age, when homosexuality is far more accepted, you wouldn't think that shit would occur (except in politics, professional sports, and maybe Hollywood) but she must have had her reasons for holding back. However, if she knew she was into chicks the whole time you two were together it's a fucking selfish move on her part and just because she couldn't live freely with her truths doesn't give her the right to waste your life.

You can sue for everything else in this country, and I think you should be able to sue this carpet muncher for wasting years of your life. This is basically false imprisonment and false advertising all mixed into one.

TIMEOUT

Q: ULTIMATUM:

Choice 1: a tight body, perky C cups, cute face who is tight as shit and never queefs,(Mila Kunis with tits) but only lets you fuck once a week like a nypho, but loves to give teethy blowjobs. and would give you really bad herpes, oral and genital

or

Choice 2: ok body(not skinny or fat. small muffin top), D-s that sag somewhat, solid 8 face,(Holly Michaels) who fucks non stop, but is wicked loose, and gives toe curling bjs only on holidays, also she likes to finger your ass no matter what. but you wont have the itch that never quits.

As is, who would you marry?

I'd chose the itch.

A: It's not the horrendous nature of the blowjobs, or lack there of, that worries me with these two scenarios. Hell, I can even deal with the vaginal gas  — who doesn't like a good queef-induced laugh every now and then? THEY'RE HILARIOUS!

My sticking points, however, are the herpes and the constantly fingered asshole factors. In my mind, they are equally undesired.

I'm never going to knock a guy who tripped, fell, and wound up with herpes all over his junk — you almost have to admire the recklessness of a freewheeling renegade son-of -a-fuckin-bitch like that — but herpes are handcuffs. They are forever and something like fifty-percent of marriages are not. So if I chose to take the herpes chick, getting a divorce and finding another hot chick with herpes is MUY difficult. And that is coming from a guy who is staunchly opposed to a woman's hands or face going anywhere near his balls, taint, or asshole.

(I have serious trust issues down south. You read one story about a guy dying from a woman squeezing his ball tote too hard and you're scarred for life)

P.S. What kind of insider information are you privy to that you know Mila Kunis never queefs? 

Q: I am a military bro on deployment, and I have a dilemma. I get 2 weeks off, and Uncle Sam will pay for me to fly anywhere in the world during my break, so I want to go to Australia to rage my face off in Surfer's Paradise. The only problem is I know I could go home and get enough partying in, while still getting to see my parents. Any advice?

A: Hard for me to put myself  in your shoes, and it's also wildly disrespectful because while your protecting our freedoms I'm over here abusing the English language and living the dream that you, and others like you, have afforded the rest of us. So I won't do that. And also, thanks for your service. (I may be an off-color, bold flavors kind of guy, but I seriously respect anyone who serves our great country.)

You've earned the right to do whatever you want with your two weeks. However, it'll be a hard pill to swallow for your parents should you choose Australia over seeing them. Unless, of course, you decide not to tell them you get this leave at all (you probably already did) or you fabricate a story about how the military weirdly offered to send you on vacation to Australia and no where else.

Clearly that lie is in it's infancy and will take some massaging to sound less ridiculous than what I just wrote, but you get the goddamn point.

Considering how conflicted you already are with your parents' impending disappointment, I think if they have prior knowledge of your situation and you're not into the whole lying thing you have to pick seeing them over Australia. Because if you wind up choosing surfing you might regret it or have it weigh on your mind the entire time you're away. And you don't want that buzzkill while you're trying to pour booze into your facehole. So if you think that will be the case, maybe you should go home and see your folks. But when you do, tell them that next time you get an opportunity like this, you plan to take a trip for yourself. Advanced knowledge will make it sting less when that day comes.

Q: You are alone and cornered, by a totally hot female ninja (think Nikita, but with a killer ass). She has her sword drawn and is ready to chop your head off. She offers to grant you one last wish before you die. Would you wish for: A- An 8 X 10 photo of Spock blowing Captain Kirk. B- The complete Hank Williams collection on cd. C- A full hour to play with Pamela Anderson's tits. D- To reincarnate as a horny otter.

A: I was immediately drawn to the prospect of speed bagging Pam's tits for an hour, but then I got to thinking, I'm about to die, I need more time. Plus, if I'm not doing anything that puts me in serious jeopardy of getting Hep C, what's the fucking point?

Of the options left, the only one that buys me any time is Hank Williams Jr. — assuming this blood-lusting bitch lets me listen to the entire collection. While he may be a senile old racist, you can't go wrong with the lyrical stylings of Hank. So give me that box set, an entire case of Bud heavy and a few extra hours of life. 

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and submit your Ask a Bro questions here

[Drunk guy image via ShutterStock]