Q: This is a question I've struggled with my whole life, and is a constant debate between me and my bros: How long after a girl blows you (and swallows) do you have to wait until its acceptable to open mouth kiss her?
A: Really up to you and your threshold for having your own cock dust all over your lips. Time certainly isn't going to remove your DNA from her mouth. So, for me, it all depends on how long it takes her to gargle battery acid after she's done swallowing. For all I know, though, some guys reading this could be heavy into the felching scene and a little residual j*zz doesn't bother them. Might even consider it to be a palate cleanser?
Regardless of how it ends — her mouth, your stomach, or into a Kleenex– j*zz got in her mouth. So I'm not following your insinuation that it's okay to kiss if she doesn't swallow. If she spits, that just means more cum is coating her lips on the way out, so I wouldn't necessarily start sucking face with her if your already on the fence.
Again, it's entirely up to you but if you don't want to be on trial in the court of public opinion then you should ALWAYS claim that you never kiss chicks after blow jobs, even if you're into the most reprehensible sh*t possible (e.g., felching, snowballing, whatever-blowing-your-load-into-your-own-mouth-is-called, etc.).
Q: Recently, the craziest thing has been happening to me. With the past four girls I have hooked up with I have been their rebound guy. Each of these girls had been in at least a year long relationship and for everyone of these girls I have been the first one they have gotten with since the breakup. So tell me, is it good or a terrible thing to be the rebound guy?
A: Terrible if you're secretly in love with any of them, SPECTACULAR if you're only in it to be “in it.”
Being a rebound specialist has its obvious advantages — Dennis Rodman made an entire career if it — but for the Bro looking for something serious, something permanent, this could be a nightmare, especially if her wound is still fresh. Also take into account who dumped who. If her ex axed her, she is still probably hung up on the rejection. (Humans tend to dwell on why someone thinks they suck. Most of us have trouble even fathoming it.) Things with you and the chick might go great in the beginning, because you're not treating her like a cum sock, but I've gotten enough “she left me for her ex, what do I do?” emails from rebound guys to know that scenario is highly plausible.
Enjoy the run your on. These girls have little-to-no expectations of anything ever coming from it. They just want to feel alive again, and you're the guy giving them that sense of purpose, which is extremely selfless of you. Philanthropic, really.
Q: From “It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” is Dee good-looking? I just can't decide.
A: She's certainly not a monster, but she’s only good-looking in the sense that your friends won’t give you crap for plowing her (even if it’s a frequent occurrence). However, she’s just not good-looking enough to seriously date without people questioning your taste and sexuality. All of which would be done behind your back, of course.
While we're on the topic of chicks from FX, if I'm picking a chick to take down from Thursday's fall line-up, I'm going after Kevin's wife, Jenny, on “The League.” Not even open sores would stop me from getting with that.
Q: I had an interesting debate last night, and I need a verdict for it.
My roommate and I were talking about porn, and he made the claim that he could name off at least 100 porn stars' names off the top of his head. I was taken aback. This struck me as an obscene number—at 100, you know may be able to name more porn stars than friends. The roommate, obviously, disagreed, and said that while 100 was high, it was just a natural byproduct of watching porn semi-regularly.
100 is way too high, right? And if you think it is, what's an appropriate number?
A: Unless your buddy has some Rain Man sh*t going on, I’ll admit that being able to rattle off 50 names from memory, and with frightening ease, is kind of weird. On the other hand, if he was asked 100 times if he knew a certain girl and the name suddenly popped into his head as “familiar” then I think that’s normal. I mean, I hope he’d vaguely remember 1% of all the chicks he’s f*cked himself to over the years.
Oh, and the appropriate number is probably somewhere between 0 and 20. Zero being for dudes named Tebow and those that strictly fap to amateur porn.
Q: If you could reincarnate as a specific part of the human anatomy; would you rather come back as, A – Elton John's mouth, B – Tiger Woods' left ball, C – J-LO's butthole or D – Kim Kardashian's wet puss?
A: Tiger's ball. And don't think for a second that I'm not wise to your piss-poor attempt at trickery. I know damn well that had I selected any other option you offered it would have painted me as a dick fiend. Although I think J-LO's butthole would have been a safe bet. Most dicks don't have anywhere near the length to reach that.
Q: Would you rather have your girlfriend blow King Kong on top of the Empire State Building in broad daylight or have her give your boss (who you hate with a passion), a killer blow job and ball licking feast in front of all your coworkers?
A: That’s easy: she’ll be blowing King Kong. Everyone knows Kong is a date rapist so it'll probably happen against her will. Plus, if she did do it willingly, cheating with an animal doesn’t really count, it's one of those look-the-other-way offenses. Wait, WHAT!?!?
Well, that does it for this mailbag. Thanks for taking the time to take the time.
P.S. For those who like to send in “Would you rather?” questions: please stop asking if I find it more agreeable to blow my father or munch out my mother. You know who you are.