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Q. So I am a girl asking all you bros out there a question to better your bed experiences. How do you like your ladies to be groomed down there for the most optimal experience? Is full bare good or do you like a little hair left? Help me before my next wax!

A. Can I lack a preference here? I mean, as long as I'm not diving mouth first into yards of unkempt dental floss I'm pretty thrilled. Relieved even -- I have sensitive gums.

Some guys might care if you're running bald or with a landing strip, but that's a toss up. If I have to pick one, for the sake of this exercise, then I'd prefer a landing strip because keeping it bald takes way more upkeep and if she forgets the joke is on my groin. Enough sex friction can make her fresh stubble feel like broken glass.

My only real advice to chicks reading this is never obey nature...anywhere on your body. Take the necessary steps to not be as gross as possible, at all times, and you can go far. Mustaches, crotch pubes, wispy sideburns, leg and pit hair, bunny trials, nostril nastiness…get it all the f*ck under control before you sleep with a guy, or go into public for that matter. Because if you don’t, he’ll take notice and every human he comes in contact with will know you simply as Nipple Whiskers McGee. (For whatever reason, a McGee always attaches itself onto these charming nicknames.)

Q. Female here. You know how some say girls are so f*cking complicated? Yeah, well I'm a girl and I like sh*t straight forward and easy but it seems the guy likes playing games. Games which men claim we play. He pretends to ignore me (making it obvious while doing so) but he hovers around me like a f*cking fly. It's annoying. I can't tell what he wants. So...any explanations?

A.  My psychic powers are telling me something. I see his deceased grandmother...she's oddly hot for an old dead chick. Getting a real erotic vibe from her. But WAIT! She's trying to tell me something. She's saying her grandson is hovering around you like a weird creep because he lacks a spine... 

I mean, this is really simple: He wants you but he's (physically or mentally) unable to approach you and admit that. If you’re into him, it's probably on you to make the first pass because he can’t seem to remove his nut sack from his throat long enough to do it.

Q. So a few years back when I was a freshman, working at a clothing store, I found out that this hot MARRIED chick wanted to bone me and I’m not ashamed to say I HIT THAT! After a couple of months of hooking up and no one knowing (other than, all my bros) she moved. It’s been like 2 years since and I just saw her back in town and she wants to keep fooling around. Thing is she’s got a kid now! She’s still hot as hell and all my bros are divided on what I should do, so I thought who better to ask advice then a veteran like you!

A. Before we go making any rash decisions, let’s gather all the facts:

1) This chick is a whore.

O.K., that ends our gathering of facts.

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that this is every husband’s worst nightmare. His tramp-of-a-wife is going off and f*cking college Bros while he’s at work winning all the bread. I'm not even married but I’d be livid, wouldn’t you? A man could get away with murder finding out that kind of information while standing next to a deadly weapon.

But whose to say this guy even gives a sh*t? For all we know they have an open relationship and his baby batter’s being spread all over town too. Then again, maybe they don’t. Maybe he’s completely in the dark about his wife’s sordid love affair with your cock.

That said, if I were you I’d just be happy I hit it back in the day (f*cking her again does nothing for your stats) and let someone else help her destroy her family. However, you should ignore this entire answer if you’ve always wanted your obituary to read that you died during a crime of passion.

Q. I pull my fair share of tail, but I enjoy jerking off. A lot. Something about polishing my on pipe gets me going, and I’m always on the hunt for new material. I was wondering if it’s ok to occasionally crank it to some skanks extra filthy new Facebook pics? 

Also I’m a firm believer in there’s no better way to get prepared to go out and find a new slampiece than a quality jerk. My roommates get pissed off I do it, but it’s not like I’m leaving my personal jelly fish swimming in our shower drain. Do they have a right to be pissed?

A. I love two-part questions.

First, if you can get from point A to point B(oner) to point C(umming) by tugging it to Facebook photos, then go for it. Don’t let the world’s perception of that act stop you. 

Second, are your roommates Mormons or a couple of asexual freaks? How could you possibly go through life and not jerk-off? F*ck them, they sound horrible. Plus, who the hell are they to judge you? What you do behind closed doors, during your personal time, in your own room is between you and God.

Look at me, so silly, assuming you’ve named your dick "God" like I have.

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