Q: I have been out of college for a few years but still follow your webpage religiously. I feel grown up with a steady 9-5 and a girlfriend. My question revolves around the ladyfriend… If things were to get more serious and I hung up my cleats to retire with this one lady, I don't know how to react to her financial indiscretions. The girl has 2 degrees, but also has the student loans associated with 2 degrees! She brought it up in conversation a little while ago and I didnt pay any mind to it until I started thinking about my future and how I like my own nice things. How do you cope with a significant other who might end up paying off student loans longer than their future kids?
A: No one ever said this to me, but I can see it coming out of my father's mouth if I asked him the same question: “It's easier to marry a great girl with college debt and pay off that debt, than it is to marry a rich cunt and try to get her to stop being a cunt. You hear what I'm saying, you stupid son of a bitch?”
In normal, non-demented terms: you can change a financial situation easier than you can change a person.
Then again, you could toss her and her $250,000 debt cloud out into the street and find a perfectly awesome rich chick tomorrow.
Worrying about money is something most Americans do — I have sleepless nights thinking about the McDuck vault I don't have — it's just that if this girl is perfect for you, save for one minor, very changeable detail, you'd be goddamn asshat to throw it away before you at least educate yourself on how big of a killjoy her debt is going to be to your lifestyle and relationship down the road. If the answer to that is a MASSIVE fucking killjoy, dump the bitch and find a chick with money. At least that way if you're miserable you can be miserable in a Maserati.
Q: Speaking hypothetically, is it OK to piss on people while they are passed out? Say, hypothetically, I pissed on my friend and his slam (who I am also banged once about a year ago) while they were passed out at a party. Is this a lesson for them to not fucking pass out at a rager/just a hilarious drunken prank, or was I in the wrong? Again, this is purely hypothetical.
On a lighter note, what is the best football game you went to while attending the U?
A: Man. The hypothetical version of you sounds like a real motherfucker. Granted, I, too, have urinated on a friend's girlfriend before, but I was sleepwalking and had zero control over my body and bladder, which makes it sort of OK. But it sounds like you consciously and remorselessly walked over, whipped out old glory and doused the daylights out of them.
Is that a “prank?” It's about as much of a prank as walking up to a random guy on the street, damn near punting his nutsack off his body and yelling “PRANK!” Although I can see that headline on our site right now: Bro Pranks the Shit Out of Random Dudes By Kicking Them in the Balls and Watching Them go Into Cardiac Arrest, Hilarity Ensues.
Here's the thing: while brutally dickish, it all depends where the hypothetical you aimed the piss. I would be fine with this (I mean, you doing it, not if it happened to me) if you just pissed on your friend and you aimed at his crotch so he thought he pissed himself when he woke up. But if the hypothetical you was hosing down their faces, that's kind of on the messed up side.
Now, on to the lighter note…
Most memorable game at Miami? Thanks to my best pals, Popov vodka and Natty Light, I don't have many memories of the games at all. We did beat FSU every year I was in school and I'll certainly never forget those.
Q: Would you rather fuck a babe with Dolly Parton boobs, great ass, three eyes, buck teeth and two noses or a completely flat chested, flat assed, skinny as shit babe with the perfect face of an angel?
A: So the question is: would I rather fuck a chick while trying not to barf or would I prefer banging one that forces me to utilize my imagination?
If I'm going to fuck a mutant it's probably going to be the catastrophe you just described, but in all candid honesty, I'm not the sicko for that job. I've forgone hooking up with a perfectly good-looking girl before because her thumbs looked like big toes, so no way I can see past extra body parts. Just a narrow-minded son of a bitch, I guess.
Give me the walking 90-degree angle. I've had worse.
Q: So I was hooking up with this chick during 4th of July celebrations, and the condom broke whilst inside her. The obvious solution was to take a morning-after pill, but she keeps avoiding taking one, even after I offered to cover all expenses, etc. What's up with that? I know it's not the easiest thing to do, but neither of us can afford the risk of a, ahem, surprise, so do I just have to put my foot down and make sure she takes it?
She said she was “counting on me being at the party.” So did I just get tricked into knocking this chick up?
A: OOF. Tough break. Literally.
Not much you can do here, outside of begging her to be rational, that isn't, ya know, ILLEGAL.
Her body is her body, and you gifted her that sperm so if she wants to keep a child, you're pretty much sunk.
However, if you can prove her “he's going to get me pregnant tonight” motives or that she gave you the condom that conveniently broke, you might have a case for entrapment or some other legal bullshit I'm not educated on.
All that you can do now is sweat it out and hope for the best (see: one of you being comically infertile).
P.S. Don't delete those texts she sent. Might need then as evidence someday.
Q: Okay J Camm, I've got a little ultimatum for you. Would you rather go back in time and undo every sexual experience you've ever had (effectively making you a virgin), or would rather keep your precious memories and be punted by Lil Kim, and only Lil Kim, for a year, followed by a reward three way, with your fiancé and a human of your choice for 30 minutes?
A: Lil Kim now, or Lil Kim from the 90s? Because Lil Kim now is scurrrrrry as shit, but Lil Kim from the 90s…I'd tap that — sea shell titty pasties and all. Of course, she wouldn't know I was fucking her because after all the huge black cock she's enjoyed over the years it would be like throwing a golf pencil into the Grand Canyon.
Where the hell was I going with this? Ah, yes. I really don't want to be a virgin again, so I'll take present day Lil Kim if that's what it takes. Too many fond memories.
While we're on this topic, anyone know why rappers feel the need to throw “Lil” or “Young” in front of their names? Like, why can't we have Big Ass Wayne or Old As Fuck Berg? Anyone out there capable of answering that?
Q: I'm 23 and I've been trying to get a girlfriend for the last few years. I've been single for as long as I can remember. See, I've been nice and courteous, trying to keep up on my appearances, and whatnot. I feel I've been coming off as a creep to them. My Bros at work are telling me that I've been trying too hard. What am I really doing wrong?
A: Something is amiss, that's for sure. Yeah, it takes time to find the right person, and all that other 'blah blah blah' horse shit people tell their unattractive friends who can never seem to find love, but when you can't get even one girl to make sloppy in her panties over you, you're doing something wrong.
In your case it might be the creep factor. You may not even be a creep, but if you're giving off an “I want to whack off over your body as you sleep” vibe, then of course you're going to get nowhere. Creepiness can come in many forms: awkward stares, excessive touching, close talking, your choice in clothing, a very visable tucked-up erection that's popping its garish head out of the top of your pants… you get the point.
I don't know you, so it's impossible say exactly what is wrong or creepy about you, but if your friends are telling you your creep game is intense maybe it's time to take the zeal down a notch, and do your personal best to keep your eyes in the sockets and the drool in your mouth when a pair of tits moseys on past.
[Debt photo via ShutterStock]