The Mailbag flew down to Florida and took last week off, but it's back and it's got a golf-sock tan like you wouldn't believe. But enough about my pen*s, if you want to submit a question, hit me here or on Twitter.
Q. My girlfriend refuses to do anal with me because she tried it before and hated it. How do I get her to come around?
A. I know I've said this before (somewhere) but anal isn’t all it's cracked up to be. Feels nowhere near as good hitting a frothy vag. Just a hollow, shit-filled hole is what it is. Actually, it kind of makes you wonder why dudes want to be gay.
Look, it’s a fact of life than not every a**hole was meant to be f*cked. Doing it depends on the girl and you can’t make her like, or want to do, it. That’s all there is to it. I’ve had chicks demand it, while others insisted it was never going to happen. And it didn’t. Even when they were like “O.K., lets try but stop if I say it hurts.” Sure enough, it always “hurt,” and sometimes before anything breached the goddamn hole. Such bullshit. Plug gets pulled before you even get the chance to ram a thumb.
Q. I just recently went to a 21+ concert at a popular nightclub/concert venue in my city, and I'm underage, so I used my fake ID. Sadly, the bouncers were too experienced and they caught me after careful inspection of the fake, and they took it. Should I be worried about them telling the police?
A. Did you throw a hissy fit and factually insult him by saying “you’re just a f*cking bouncer” as he took it away from you? I hope not. But even if you did, I’m sure you’ll be fine. Bouncers have better things to do than turn your ID over to the cops. I don't know what those things are, but I feel like Swisher Sweets are involved.
Q. If Jerry Sandusky sodomizes a young boy in the shower of a football locker room and no one hears it, did it happen?
A. Was big Jer a sodomite? I thought he was just into “horse-play” and “towel snapping.” I think the new question will be: When a prison guard is an eye-witness to Jerry Sandusky getting ass-f*cked to death in a prison shower, did it really happen? My guess is no.
Q. I would really like to get a prescription medicine (e.g., viagra, injection therapy) to help with premature ejaculation issues. What is the cheapest and easiest way for someone to get such a sexual performance booster legally?
A. I swear on all the holy things I don’t believe in, the moment I was pasting this question into the doc*ment, a Cialis commercial came on. Then I thought about boners, got one, opened up the jerk-off browser on my computer (I use Safari for masturbation because I liken my whack-off skills to a jungle cat) and played with myself. But now I’m back.
Provided you’re not 15 years old, all you really need to do is ask your doctor. However, he might tell you that Viagra won’t help with your problem and it’ll just give you the most solidly erect pen*s money can buy. On the bright side you’ll maintain that killer erection. Meaning you can probably blow and keep on going as if nothing happened.
Q. Should I post the nekked photos and videos of my cheating ex-girlfriend on the internet? She is a D-I athlete and our school's logo is in the background.
A. Here’s a better question: Should I jerk-off to them if you do?
And there’s only one way to answer my question. You posting that sl*t all over the web. So how about you do that and I’ll let you know what transpires from there?
P.S. Might be some legal issues if you actually go through with it. But don't strike me as a law-abiding p*ssy.
Editor's Note: No, don't post those photos.
Q. I'm a sophomore in college (and a chick) and I like to go really hard at parties, mostly because that little social lubricant called vodka makes me more confident and I'm always looking to hook up with some guy. Unfortunately, this never works out and I end up getting so shitfaced out of boredom I usually pass out or something. I feel like dudes won't hook up with me cause I'm too much of a bra/one of the guys, especially when I'm wasted. All I'm asking for is a nice cock/booty call to have stashed in my contact list. The f*ck do I do?
A. I was friends with a girl just like what you described in college. Met her in one of my first classes freshman year. She was every bit of a hard 9 and could hold her own around all guys. I honestly wanted to put my f*ck inside her the minute I saw her. But that changed.
Problem is, she became a cadaver when she drank. Sloppier than Oprah’s titties or that thing Khole Kardashian calls a face. Seeing her like that week in and week out was a turnoff. So if you want a f*ck buddy control yourself and guys will start to line up. When we're hammered, we want someone that we can call and f*ck, not someone who needs us to hold her hair as her mouth defiles the very shitter our a**hole calls home.
Q. What's your favorite beer? Liquor?
A. The voice inside my head is telling me that if I don’t reply “Natty” I stand a chance of be accosted and burned in at the stake – which has always been my dream way to die. Sadly, it’s not Natty, but it’s also not anything too sophisticated either. My favorite beer is Bud Light. Amstel Light if I want to show some class. Usually I don’t.
Favorite liquor is Crown/Makers/Jameson/Johnny on the rocks. Doesn’t really matter which. Whatever finds its way from the shelf into my glass will do just fine.