This week's mailbag is gigantic. So big, in fact, that I'm going to forgo the finger-banging foreplay we usually do up here and just dominate the task at hand. Submit your questions here.
Q. Shitting right before you get in the shower: Wipe or no wipe?
A. Oooh, this is a tough one. Hard to answer without knowing if you intend to shit some more in the shower. But f*ck it, I’ll give it a shot.
Wiping seems like the most logical and socially acceptable answer but goddamn do I despise social norms. Plus, if you wipe you really leave a lot on the table, like the fun of getting shit all over your hands, legs, soap, and shower. Could you live with yourself if you did that? Maybe you could. But just maybe.
Q. My boyfriend likes to watch adult entertainment while he jacks off... no big deal. The other day he was on his computer and I was putting laundry away and noticed that he had a bunch of emails from some hook-up sites. I don't want to go through his computer, but I am a little concerned that he may be an actual member of some of these sites and not just innocently watching adult entertainment. Is this something I should ask him about, or is this just spam as a result of watching adult entertainment? How would they get his email address if he isn't logging in as a member? Let me say again, I approve of him watching adult entertainment and doing his thing, but I don't want to be played for a fool either. Do you think he may be cheating on me?
A. So what you’re telling me is that your boyfriend jerks-off to Internet adult entertainment while you fold the laundry? That is just aces. The definition of happiness, even. In fact, I’m going to Tweet about that right now.
Now, as for the cheating, you kind of squandered your chance to call him out. He had it open and you didn’t step to the plate and ask him why he was a member of 100 different dating sites. Rookie move. Why did you clam up and keep your mouth shut? Did you see that he was absolutely destroying himself and you didn’t want to mess up his stroke? You did, didn’t you? God, you’re like the best girlfriend ever.
I obviously can’t say for sure if he’s cheating and I definitely don't think you should go on his computer without him knowing but I will leave you with this: If those emails were just spam, his email provider (Gmail, Yahoo, etc) would have automatically thrown them into his spam folder. On top of that, when you're cranking it to free adult entertainment you don’t get emails -- it’s free, it's anonymous, it's abundantly fantastic. But even in the event that he is stupid enough to pay for adult entertainment, I doubt he would be getting emails. None of those sites would have any members if they inundated them with emails all the time.
Q. I straight slay puss. But when I come home to brag to my closest Bro he almost condescends and acts like railing 'gine is not the most desirable and best outcome of ANY action (note the slam pieces I slay also average a high 7, low 8). He even acts as though it is disgusting. How do I get him to realize that banging out a rando piece and shooting a nutful of my own personal brew in and around her snatch is both glorious and impressive? And in doing so show him the light and get my Bro-cred.
A. So you and your friend are different. Not cut from the same man-hoe cloth, if you will. That doesn’t mean you have to convince him to live the exact way that you do. Nor does it mean that you have to stop hanging out all together (as long as he's not some holier-than-thou type). It just means he’s not the friend you run and tell when you’ve left a load at the county dump.
Q. My Bros and I are in our first year and we are currently searching for a house next year. One Bro has done work in finding a house, while the other five have done nothing. The Bro who has done work has found us a house and feels that because he found the house he should get first pick of bedroom. Two Bros agree with him, three Bros disagree. Should he get first pick or should he be included in a room-choosing lottery with everyone?
A. You do the legwork, you get first cracks on the best room. That's the standard rule and it rings true for every other room situation going forward in life. Shore houses, hotels, etc. The guy who goes through the f*cking pain of dealing with six insupportable dickheads just to coordinate a trip, a summer house, or an entire living situation always gets the room he wants. As long as he's willing to pay for the room if it comes at a premium. Fair is fair. Unless, of course, he is the doormat friend no one respects. Then you’re entering a gray area.
Q. Bro. So at my college there are not a lot of social events since the population is 90% male. But there is a huge formal in February and it’s a big deal. My problem is that I have narrowed my date choice to two girls and I don’t know which one to pick.
The first girl I have been talking to lately and I like. We have gone on a few dates with each other but nothing major has happened. I know she likes me but she's still a little shy around me and could make it awkward at the dance and I think that might kill it. The second girl I have hooked up with a few times in the past and we still talk to each other every once in a while and I can talk to her easily. And I am sure that she would be down with going with me.
Another thing is that I think that the first girl would be a little upset if I did not go with her and she might stop talking to me after if she found out. A part of me says go with the first girl because we talk more but another part says go with girl number 2 because she might be more fun. Advice on who to choose?
A. 1) Your 90% male college sounds awful. 2) By February you should be able to close girl #1 and also make hanging out less awkward. 3) Girl #2 seems like she doesn’t mind being dragged alongside the van while you hook-up with other chicks inside so take #1 because she obviously minds and this way your decision doesn’t lessen your current crop of chicks to hook up with.
Q. First off... I'd like to say that you have the dopest job: You give your completely biased selfish opinions on all things manly. I love It. My question to you is what does one study in college to set himself up for a blogging or editing-type sweet job like yours?
A. Yes, I’ll agree, this job is really dope. Ideal, on all levels, for a completely biased, selfish prick such as myself. But I’ll admit I stumbled into this as a career. Had I known I wanted to write, I would have gotten a degree in journalism or screenwriting or the like. Instead, I majored in finance.
Q. Is it possible to contract carpal tunnel from beating your dick every night to a point where you owe it an apology letter?
A. If it were possible, 87% of the male population would be walking around with no motor function in either arm. So no, it’s not possible (I don’t think). But even if you could whack your wrist into shambles, it would definitely be one of those injuries that you play through.
Q. I have this annoying, fake, obnoxious b*tch in one of my classes. The shitty part is, every time I call her out it goes nowhere, and being that she's a part of our friend group, I get scolded for calling her out. What do I do? I can’t stand her. I'm not sure if I should totally be a dick so she's intimidated by me, or use intelligence to win this battle? Help me out, Bro!
A. Ignore her. Any other course of action -- like belittling her to tears or pelting her in the face with ice cubes -- is self-gratifying to say the least, but it will only make you look like a bigger prick to every other chick around you. So just try to ignore her. Sometimes the easiest way to get someone out of your life is to pretend they’re not there.
Oh, and out of curiosity, which is she: fat or ugly? I know she’s got to be one of them.
Q. So I absolutely love eating chicks out. I've talked to bunch of my Bros and sadly, not many agreed with me on this one. The majority said it’s gross as f*ck to eat a chick out and they'd never do that. Personally, I think I enjoy eating out as much as getting a dome if not more. What's your and Bros' take on this topic?
A. You had me roped in, nodding the whole way with your every word, until you said “I think I enjoy eating out as much as getting a dome if not more.” That is the single most selfless and disgusting thing I’ve ever heard another man say. You’re just lucky I keep these things anonymous.
I’m all in for munching a properly groomed and decadently scented snatch – multiply that by 100 if I’m drunker than shit -- but it's not every guy's favorite thing to do. Your friends probably had a run-in with some frightening box and they've have been turned off ever since. Or, they haven’t yet acquired the palate for it. They will though. It’s like drinking whiskey straight. The first time you do it you’re like, “Holy f*cking god, this was a terrible idea.” And yet something keeps bringing you back to do it over and over again. Eventually you wind up loving it... but not more than getting a bl*wjob.
Q. I have been having a lot of trouble with this one lately, so I thought I'd get a fresh look on it. I just want to know how young is too young for a Bro to go after a girl? (Obviously old enough to be legal.)
A. For starters, no matter the age (as long as she’s legal or you live under the same laws as Mark Sanchez) f*ck whoever is willing. From a dating standpoint, however, I think there are tiers of acceptability. Those are set from both society and what you can tolerate. For instance, if you’re in your 20s or early 30s, the gap on how young you can go is smaller. This is primarily because younger chicks are really annoying or in that "bestie" phase of life. (If you’ve ever seen how much a girl cares about her suck-ass sorority, you’ll understand my point.)
As you get older, like, say, 45, I think you can operate successfully with a 15- to 20-year age gap. Sure you’ll get some odd looks from jealous dudes your age, but that’s only because you’re dining on a peach while they’re choking on hairy prunes.
Then, when you hit 65, or older, throw all caution to the wind. At that point, you’ve got to get while the getting in good.