Life
by Fitz E Fresh on January 16, 2013

Q: My girlfriend has some trouble getting off when we have sex. Although the issue seems like it's me, even when we try a bunch of different positions, speed, angle, she still can't seem to orgasm. Is it okay to buy a vibrator and introduce it into our sex life while we have sex so I can have her orgasm?

A: The answer to this anticlimactic predicament isn't a fake vibrating dick or a vaginal vitamin. You don't realize it, but the answer is on the tip of your tongue- literally.

Need I say more? Your mouth needs to have a heart to heart with your girl's vagina. Get to know her; learn her weak spots, her g spots, and all the other shit that makes her scream. You have to get her to that precipice and then introduce that man member as an afterthought. If that still doesn't get her there then you know you've tried your damndest, and it might be time for a plan b option. But always, always discuss the introduction of something as serious as a second dick before just surprising her with it, because some girls would rather not have an orgasm than have a vibrating toy in their sex life.

Q: Okay, Babe. I find myself facing a similar predicament to the one Jerry faced in one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes. I've been talking to this girl for a while and she came up to visit me at school. Nothing happened (partially my own fault) but I've recently begun talking to her friend who has a better body and seems WAY more DTF…my question is, is it possible to pull off the switch and if so, how?

Sidenote: a threesome isn't an option, sad I know.

A: Ah; pulling the old switcharoo. I do apologize for shitting on your parade, but in your case, it sounds like your ideal situation isn't ideal for the other people involved– and therefore, probably won't happen. Though one candidate is allegedly “DTF,” you've already gotten too close to the less “DTF” friend to make the switch successful.

Not to mention the fact that you using the term “DTF” instantly marks you as far-from-smooth-enough to execute anything close to this level. Anyways, my guess is that neither girl is even remotely worth the drama, catfights — and not the sexy kind — tears, or general baggage that will come with diving into this one, so do yourself a favor and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, young minnow, and lucky for you, not all of them are friends with one another.

Sidenote: I obviously know a threesome wasn't an option, you jackass.

Q: So there's this girl at my school, and while she wears sunglasses she is an absolute dime… But when she takes them off, she drops to a 5/6. Is there a non-douchey, fool proof approach to get her in bed wearing sunglasses?

A: Is that a joke? Is there a way to get you to wear a hat during sex so she doesn't have to look at your prematurely balding scalp? Didn't think so. And what's the eyeball issue anyways? Pink eye? Wonky eye? Blind? Anne Hataway-esque? Gross.

The only way you're getting with this chick shades-on is if you throw the pimpin'-est pool party since Lil' Wayne's last video and seduce her in the jacuzzi midday. Maybe you should just aim a little higher…like, for girls with normal vision.

Q: Why do women like “50 Shades of Grey?” I don't know what they find hot about that dude domestically abusing the fuck out of that chick. Just wondering.

A: While I think that book is an absolute fucking disgrace to literature and a waste of vast amounts of trees and time, I also feel that the general appeal is pretty self-explanatory: Women like 50 Shades of Grey because it's created a socially acceptable way for them to enjoy porn, and to fantasize about dudes who are better than their boyfriends in bed.

Most importantly, it's made America's women hornier. So don't ask so many fucking questions. And God bless this country.

Q: Some crazy girl keeps on asking my friends for my number. So far they've held their ground and they continue to make up excuses as to why they can't give it to her. Eventually she's gonna be upfront about it and ask me. How do I reject her? I can't be a douche about it and just say “No, sorry.” My school is too small, and a bad rap at a tiny school is vaginal death. Help me with this.

A: Well, my first response would be to ask your homies to stop being assholes and just give her the wrong number. It's the oldest god damn trick in the book, and god knows effective. If the awkward moment you're describing of her approaching you for her number does occur, just hook that bitch up with your digits. She can text and call all she wants, but that doesn't mean you have to show interest…or even answer the phone.

But, if she really is as level 3 stalker status as you make her out to be, I'd go ahead and fill out that restraining order paperwork. Can't have that kind of thing dragging you down when you're just trying to have a good time.

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