Life
by Fitz E Fresh on October 2, 2013

Q: Sup babe,
So I'm kinda lost in this whole life thing .I go to a college, wrestle varsity, we party pretty hard and meeting girls is not a problem. I have the reputation to “get around” but I'm currently into this girl here at school. Here's the curveball: my other babe is in jail. Bad bitch central and jailbird is giving me heat about meeting and being with other babes. I'm just kinda lost. Do I continue the what-she-doesn't-know-won’t-hurt-her-deal or should I just flat-out tell my own Cool Hand Luke?

A: My first jailbird circumstance: I don't hate it. 

I'm having a tough time comprehending how homebitch could be shaming you for seeking out some good old-fashioned comfort outside of the barbed wire while she's chowing down on the box of her anonymous cellmate. What're you supposed to do, save yourself for her (stealing? murdering? doesn't matter) ass until she makes parole? I say enjoy college as it's meant to be experienced–  without the looming guilt of a lover behind bars. It's not like she's going to be able to do anything about it if you decide to let her go. 

(Also, as a sidenote, who dates jailbirds as a college student? If your answer is juvenile delinquents or co-jailbirds, I already fucking know. If you think of a halfway decent answer to my query, page me.) 

If you have the reputation of getting around, as you claim, then use that to your advantage and get around the situation of continuing to date a prison inmate.

Q: Hey. I've been dating a marvelous girl the last 3 1/2 years. But the last few months my sex drive for her has diminished, and sometimes I struggle to get an orgasm with her. What can I do?

A: This is a pretty interesting parallel to last week’s dilemma of the opposite order.

 A dude without sex drive? Sanity check: are your genitals intact? If the answer is yes, your testosterone levels are probably just taking a hiatus from their default setting of “raging”. Not to mention that dating someone for over three years can often lead to monotonous sex, a wandering eye, and/or a not-hard dick. 

I know it sounds cliché but I'm going to say it anyways: SPICE IT UP.

 That is truly your only way out of this libido slump. That, or find a new object of affection. Sex shops, instructional books and romantic dinners are all easy solutions for your current predick–err, predicament. Go get ‘em, tiger. 

Q: I have a friend (a less attractive and less charming friend) who pull more girls than I do. He's much more abrasive and hits on anything that moves, whereas I'm more subtle and laid back, but the results don't lie! Is it better to be forward and persistent?

A: First of all … This friend of yours, although you may not see it as such, just isn't less charming and attractive than you. If that were the case, you would be the one getting the girls. Period. He may be abrasive, but apparently it's a charming character flaw. And you may think you're the more attractive option, but it seems the ladies don't agree. So you're correct, the results do not lie. 

One thing I will say is that if he's sidling up to anything with a pulse, as you claim he is, you have to consider his standards versus your own. If you were okay with pulling low-quality and questionably diseased tail, you could probably get to his level.

Some people may argue my position on this point, but I stand pretty firm in belief of quality over quantity in these situations. Don't let his scheming ass get you down. But do maybe seek out a new wingman. 

Q:Do girls think it is weird when guys stand up to wipe their asses when dropping one?

A: I mean, I definitely think that’s a weird question to begin with, but such is my life with this column, so I'll give it a stab.

Frankly, I don't know what the fuck guys maintain as a pooping ritual. I'm just not interested. And for that reason, I also don't give a shit, quite literally, if they're standing up or doing cartwheels during the act. Just as long as my bathroom stays tidy and stink-free after the fact. 

 And for God’s sake– leave the fucking seat down.

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