It’s Friday afternoon, you just crushed your Microeconomics exam, you destroyed your chest at the gym, you had your daily Chipotle burrito (double meat because you had the Adderall comedown munchies), you picked up the celebratory Pinnacle whipped cream vodka and you are beyond prepared for the night to come. Today is your day and the only thing on your mind is what slam piece will be screaming your name around 2:30AM.
The pre-game comes, the ladies arrive and the shots start going down smooth (since you went with the Pinnacle Whipped Cream Vodka). You plant all the necessary seeds with the potential strange begging for some of that D and you proceed to the club/bar. Things are going well. As a matter of fact, that one chick that always bends over in your philosophy class (the one with the BEYOND PERFECT ass) is all over you; now you just have to bring her home and do the deed. All of a sudden, BAM! some cuntsack spills his entire Jack and diet all over those fresh new kicks you bought yesterday. How do you respond?
Do you: A) Take that cup of half-melted ice in your hand, dump it on his stupid face and throw a right hook that he’ll never see and certainly won’t remember?
B) Keep it cool and say something like, “You’re good, they’re just shoes, Bro” and continue to walk with that sexy little lady on your left arm?
Or C) Start crying while simultaneously shouting that you’ll never serve him tacos when you finally open your taco stand?
If you answered “B” to the above scenario, good for you: you're clearly emotionally stable and you know how to keep your eyes on the prize. You remind me a lot of me, which is great because you're reading this article that I wrote and whether or not you agree with me, you’re still reading it and I thank you for that.
If you answered “C” to the above scenario, please seek medical help immediately and/or withdraw from law school and open that taco stand you always talk about with your buddy Jake even though you both have no actual experience with tacos or any knowledge of how to run a business.
However, if you answered yes to “A” you have Bro Rage. Bro Rage usually occurs in males age 18-28, while heavily intoxicated on delicious girl drinks and is typically provoked by something non fight-worthy (i.e. spilled drink, strange glare, stepped on shoe, etc...). It is the rage that makes your blood boil in an instant and if left unchecked could create a Chris Brown situation. All too often Bro Rage can ruin a perfectly good day just like the one described above. Let’s explore what happens after giving in to Bro Rage shall we?
You’ll throw that vicious right hook and it’ll put him down for sure, because you’re a f*ckin’ badass. Then his boys will jump in and try to rough you up, which will lead to your boys jumping in and by the time it’s all over everyone ends up covered in a combination of blood, sweat, alcohol, possible jail time and 0 PUSSY.
Why do that to yourself? Why allow some drunk asshole who accidentally spilled his drink on you to ruin your night? Instead of giving in to that initial F*CK YOU I’M GONNA KILL YOUR FACE feeling, let it go. Laugh about it; they’re just shoes. You probably bought those shoes so you could f*ck some hot bitch like the one on your arm. Now that you have her, mission complete. Bring her home for landing (and by landing I mean take her to pound town). Seriously think about this article the next time you want to unload on some guys face and I don’t mean unload like j*zz, I mean unload like extract the life from his body with your fists of fury.
Aristotle is a Florida based comedian that only judges people by the color of their teeth and you can follow him on Twitter @sToTle