The federal government is just hours away from shutting down. Our borders will remain protected. Mail is going to be delivered on time. Air travel will not be affected one bit. Prisons are planning on keeping their murderous population locked inside. Your paychecks will continue to be taxed. Chaos is about to not descend on the land.
But the National Zoo will close. You will not be allowed to see the animals.
We know that right now you might be scared. Or worried. Or drunk. You are probably drunk. But that's why we are here: to answer every question you have about what could be the first federal government shutdown in almost two decades.
Can you explain the shutdown to me using food, sex and relationships?
Of course. You know when you and your girlfriend can't agree on where to order in from on Sunday night? You want Chinese food, but she'd prefer something light from the vegetarian joint down the street? Well, you and your girlfriend are Congress. Now imagine that a few years earlier you said, “Honey, we are going to get Chinese for dinner this one Sunday three years from now,” and she said “Okay.” This makes you a Democrat. Your girlfriend is a Republican who is now threatening to never blow you again unless you get get something called the “Seitan Bake.”
So you two are standing in the kitchen, starving. Both of you are refusing to cave. Eventually the two of you become so exhausted you say, “Fuck it, let's skip dinner.” This is the government shutdown.
Also I should have mentioned that neither of you have the money to pay for food.
But doesn't the government need food to survive?
Metaphorical food, yes. Money, really. Unfortunately though, it's has been fighting until 11:30 p.m. and all the take out spots are closed.
So the government is…
Trying to conserve energy until breakfast, when they can get back to arguing about what they should have had for dinner. You know when you are starving and instead of dealing with the discomfort, you lie in bed and close your eyes? This shutdown is like that, with the government basically praying someone brings them a giant plate of wings or a spending package.
Will this affect me?
Probably not. It could affect you if you are a member of Congress and have to “deal with this shit.” It is unlikely you are one of the 700,000 government employees who were deemed unessential and told not to come to work.
Are you President Barack Obama? Then with only three years left in office, you should be worried about how this is going to affect your legacy.
Are you none of those three groups? You won't notice a single difference.
Can I drink during the shutdown?
If you have been told not to go to work, I highly suggest you do. You should stick it to the federal government by brewing your own moonshine while reading Marxist theory. If you haven't been furloughed, use your best judgment. No one is probably going to care if you have an Irish Coffee at 10:30 a.m. But discretion is wise. Don't show up to the office holding a half-drank case of beer shouting “WOOH GOVERNMENT'S CLOSED.” Especially if you are a bus driver.
What about drugs?
No. Despite the federal government saying the federal governemnt doesn't need to work, it still gets to tell you what the fuck to do. It's basically the boss who dumps a pile of shit on your desk then walks out the door at 2:00 p.m. So you will not be allowed to hold a kilo of cocaine in your hands while walking through airport security and you can't drive drunk down the interstate. In fact, you aren't even allowed to speed during the shutdown. Cops will still be there to ticket you. And most forms of monkey will still be illegal to import. Basically this government shutdown is like getting pumped for a high school party only to find out the kid's parents will be there.
How long is it expected to last?
Fuck if I know. Probably ten days. Congressmen are the biggest collection of attention whores ever. If people get bored and stop caring, they will want to do something to get back in the spotlight. That will come in the form of restarting the government followed by going out for celebratory margaritas. So the sooner you stop giving a fuck about this, the sooner it will be over. Seriously, it's all one big publicity stunt.
Will it accomplish anything?
So should I be upset?
If you are seriously distressed about the end of America's global hegemony, yes. If you are anyone else, no. Go have a drink and watch Monday Night Football.
I want more like this!
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