College is without a doubt the best time for a bro: A glorious 4-6 year span of pure euphoria that never seemed to end. Well, unfortunately for most, it not only ends, but life takes a complete 180 once we are forced into the fiery pits of human-made hell known as the workplace. Go from getting drunk daily, having casual sex with anonymous random people and taking naps at will to being forced to sit in the same exact spot and do the same exact thing for 8+ hours a day, five days a week. Often more, depending on your profession.
It shouldn't be legal, but it is. And if that’s not all you have to deal with people around you have become so engulfed in the corporate world that they have forgotten what it’s like to be a sociable human. People who have become so mundane and bland from years and years of pointless routine. It’s like "The Shawshank Redemption"; they’ve been doing it for so long they’ve become institutionalized. Unfortunately, instead of minding to themselves, people institutionalized by the rat race of the workplace crave attention and go out of their way to make your life miserable. Here are the top 10 most annoying people you encounter at work, along with the obnoxious things they say.
Common Phrases: "Working hard or hardly working?" "That's why we pay you the big bucks!" Uses all the pointless catchphrases meant to increase productivity but make people so mad to the point they’re unproductive like: “Think outside the box,” “It’s a win-win situation." “110%”
Let's face it, every boss is an annoying piece of whaleshit whether they want to be or not. And it’s really not their fault. Anybody who is in an authoritative position that expects results out of you. Yes, some bosses may be cooler than others, but most are just corny, middle-aged jack-dicks who only care about two things: 1). The bottom dollar, and 2). Unnoticeably making your life as miserable as possible.
The Metaphor Dude
Common Phrases: "Someday the shoe will be on the other foot." "Can't put the horse before the cart." "You’re just the tallest midget in the circus."
What? Shoes, horses, and midgets? Quit speaking the dead language straight out of Shakespeare’s taint. “In the future you will be in their position or vice versa; You can't do things out of order; Our company sucks sugar dick but you're the best we've got." Boom. All translated from uselessness to still useless but somewhat tolerable English.
Dr. Action Verbs
Common Phrases: "Punch a few numbers." "Bang out an Email." "Run it over to you."
Jobs are boring. We get it. But there’s no reason at all to making things sound more interesting than they are by inserting action verbs in every sentence. The only action that wants to take place after this guy opens his mouth is a swift kick to the rectum.
The Guy Who Thinks He's Hilarious
Common Phrases: "That's what she said." "Verrry Niceee." Other dated pop-culture references. Answers the phone: "Vandeley Industries."
It doesn’t matter if you laugh or not because he’ll laugh at his own jokes for you. The worst part about the guy who thinks he's hilarious is that all of the office drones who have lost their own sense of reality think he's hilarious, too. Every time he speaks takes another 10 minutes off your life.
Awkward Elevator Guy
Common Phrases: Gets onto elevator, “Oh what a surprise to see you here.” Points at you, “Who let this guy on.” Pretends to get out of elevator when you get on. Proceeds to talk about the weather. Every. Freaking. Time.
The elevator. Probably the most awkward 45-seconds to spend with anyone in general. The only thing that makes it more awkward than an untimely fart or rubbing up against the office hottie sporting accidental wood is the guy who tries to subdue the awkwardness with his hacky comedy routine. But don’t worry, he’ll be the first of 28 today to talk about and ask your opinion of the current weather outside like your left nut is Doppler Radar.
Common Phrases: "Just started this new thing called Crossfit, never felt better." "Looks like my bonus is going to kick some serious ass this year." “Had sex last night. Ooo yeah.”
Like a stock ticker of douche, the braggart in the office will repeatedly tell you what he wants to tell you about his life. Doesn’t matter if there’s nothing to brag about, the braggart will always spin any situation to come out as king. He lost all of his money in a Ponzi scheme, got the shit beat out of him in a bar fight he started then got Hepatitis from a roaming pack of male gorillas? Not according to him. He just made a shark investment that’s going to pay dividends, got sucker punched while protecting four girls and a nun from getting raped but ended up having an orgy of epic proportions with a couple foreigners. The braggart always seems to come out on top
Common Attributes: This person goes on and on, telling you what they are going to say, saying it and then telling you what they said. Example: Spends five minutes talking about productivity lacking, tells you for 5 minutes you’re going to be working like a slave you are more in the future, takes another 5 minutes explaining why you working more like the slave you are will increase productivity.
Hey, assface, I just spent four years and change spending over $40,000/year at an accredited university. I am also fluent in the English language. I understand what you’re trying to tell me in less than five words, so shut your mouth. You telling me the same thing three times all in a slightly different manner makes me want to staple my nuts to the break room bulletin board just to numb the pain.
Common Attributes: Rats on those who show up late. Always asks a pointless question at the end of a meeting and extends the time. Goes out of their way to make everyone look bad but them.
The type of person who started shaking and threatening lawsuits when they got their grades in college and got screwed with a 3.9 instead of a 4.0. Failure is not an option and any acceptance from authority makes them want to ejaculate glitter in celebration. Usually is hated by boss because the overachiever hangs on their nuts so hard it hurts. Also usually hated by everyone else in the office and society. Pretty much everyone besides their cats if it’s a girl or their Dane Cook DVD’s if it’s a guy.
Common Attributes: Laziness, apathy and sarcasm.
Not as bad as a person as an overachiever, but still extremely bad to be co-workers with. Nobody wants to do work, but even more importantly nobody wants to do someone else’s work. If you have to do someone else’s work for them because they don’t do it that person might as well be an elephant dropping it’s wet balls on your face because that’s essentially the amount of disrespect that’s being represented. Do your own damn work.
Loud Eater/Coffee Sipper/Loud Phone Talker/General Overall Asshole
Common Attributes: Slurps coffee, eats food and talks on the phone like their not only the only people in the building but in the universe. Usually extremely overweight with no parental guidance growing up.
Seriously, we are living in a society with actual people. An advanced civilization in the year 2012, mind you. Where the holy hell do people get off thinking that it’s acceptable to slurp their coffee or chew their food loudly or shout on the phone in their cubicle when there are dozens of people right next to you who can clearly hear a mouse fart from your desk let alone anything overly loud? Do people have no consideration for others anymore? At least the others on the list can be tolerated outside of the workplace, but a line must be drawn in the sand here. Anybody who sips their coffee, chews food loudly or shouts on the phone with no consideration for others, anywhere, should be banished from society.
Office Party Planners
Dude/Skank That You Can Hear Their Music Even With Their Headphones ON.
Anybody who uses the phrase “touch base” or "synergy" can go directly to hell.