Nothing highlights the complete awfulness of other human beings like being confined in a small, inescapable place with them. Like a foxhole. Or an airplane.
There are enough irritating things about flying – long lines, high fees, no personal space, delays – without other people doing their best to make the experience worse.
And yet … here we are.
I recently had the pleasure of taking a two-stop, 13-hour flight. It was less a trip than an odyssey of rage.
In short, my plane was full of allegedly human creatures that had lost all ability to act in a civilized manner.
Here are some of the horrors I witnessed that, sadly, are omniscient across the so-called friendly skies.
The Way-Too-Large Person
He takes up two seats for the price of one. He’s like a British Imperialist, not content until he’s annexed as much of the row as humanly possible without the slightest regard for your autonomy. There is no way to rectify this unpleasant situation because, let’s face it, the trainers from The Biggest Loser are nowhere to be found. Ironically – or perhaps not – he’s usually got a bag of chips and a full complement of gummi snacks for the ride.
The Smelly Person
Nothing adds to the ambiance of a stagnant passenger bay like an unholy stench. It has nowhere to go but onto everyone else in the cabin. God help you if a person wearing a cologne made from shit and Indian food plops down next to you. You’ll be rooting for a swift and violent death.
For some reason, this person needs to access his stowed carry-on bag dozens of times during the trip. What’s he got in there that’s so important? Is that fleece he absolutely needed to retrieve a priceless artifact he needs to clutch with a death grip? Does his Dean Koontz novel really contain the map to buried treas—OH WAIT HE JUST GOT UP AGAIN!
This needy bastard has 23 requests for the flight attendant. Water. Food. Blankets. A vegan cookie. A deep-tissue massage. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: Flight attendants are saints who don’t get paid near enough for the level of shit they’re forced to endure.
The Talkative Pilot
I am very happy you’re going to take this iron bird to ungodly heights and land it safely. It’s a miracle, really. But I certainly don’t need 13 updates telling me what you’re doing. Jerry Seinfeld knows what’s up.
The Dead Man Walking
How did a person who is hacking and wheezing this much even make it to the gate? Let’s hope whatever he has isn’t contagious because he’s doing his best to spread it around to everyone else on the plane.
Stop. Looking. At. Me. It’s very disconcerting.
The person who complains about everything. That guy is the worst.