Life
by Doc Dawkins on May 10, 2012

10.  The Gym Broad


Examples: “So sore after running 5 miles!” “Yoga class is going to be tough but worth it!” “Going to the gym … (same status, same time, everyday)”


What they do: Post every detail of every time they do anything remotely more strenuous than walking up a flight of stairs or playing Wii bowling. Usually followed by exclamation points to accentuate how hard they think they worked.


Why it’s annoying: While it’s good that they’re trying to get rid of the muffin top that’s been fed a steady diet of Dominos, Natty, and semen during college, it would be much easier to admire them for working out if they didn’t give themselves so much credit already. It’s like when the extremely hot girl calls herself hot, she suddenly doesn’t seem that hot anymore. Nobody cares about how hard you try to look good just as long as you’re at least a 6 while we’re drunk and thus spankable.


What it says about them: Tenacious, but narcissistic and needy as all hell. If they need to feel that much gratification from just working out, imagine how much attention they’re going to need all the time.

 

9. The Quoting Queen


Examples: “Opportunity dances with those who are already on the dance floor.”  “If you can’t handle me at my worst than you don’t deserve me at my best.” “Happiness is the way of looking at the things that happen to you : )”


What they do: Plagiarize popular sayings on their news feed and believe that their empty attempts of sincerity will actually make someone’s life better.


Why it’s annoying: Life sucks for most people. We’re not movie stars or gifted athletes bringing in millions of dollars and most of us probably won’t get to that point. It is what it is. You’re inspirational quote of trying to live life to the fullest won’t change the fact that we pissed the bed last night hammered and missed a final this morning or spend 8+ hours a day in a cubicle thinking we would give up our left leg and/or nut to go back to the time in our lives when we could piss the bed hammered and miss a final the next morning.


What it says about them: Likely a former Philosophy major who realizes that their education won’t get them past the management position at Starbucks. Either that or they’re eating antidepressants like Reese’s Pieces. And Reese’s Pieces are damn delicious. 

 

8.  The Drunk


Examples: “Still hungover…time to open that wine bottle.” “Drinking with the bestest ladies everrrrr!!!!!!” “Im so hammred right now I nead someone or sommthhing in or around myvag… the darrrker the betttter.”


What they do: Think that drinking is the greatest thing ever (which it kind of is) but need to remind everyone not only when they’re tipping a few back, but what’s going on when they’re drunk.


Why it’s annoying: This ain’t high school anymore honey. Everybody drinks. There is no reason to think you’re special and that anyone cares when you’re getting trashed on a Tuesday night. Gets to the point where we realize that you drinking boxed wine and slapping the bag isn’t as cool as it once was.


What it says about them: The chick is usually pretty cool but is definitely the sloppiest in the crowd. She’s the type of girl you’ve hooked up with a time or two before but nothing you could take home to mother. Especially since the Cirrhosis is scheduled to kick in any day now.

 

7.  The Lover


Examples: “Happy 6 week anniversary to the love of my life : ). I love you so much sweetie and will always forever.”  “Sorry women of Earth, the most amazing man EVER belongs to ME. Love my hubby” “Only been apart from my love for 15 minutes and I miss him so much.”


What they do: Remind everyone every chance they get how in love they are and how much their man is better than you.


Why it’s annoying: Are you available to hook up with?  No. That’s why there is no reason to care what you have to say about your love life. Drop a line when you change the relationship status to ‘single’, ‘widowed’ or if you’re hot and there’s even a slimmer of hope for a three way, whatever the status is for ‘lesbian.’


What it says about them: We’ve got a stage 5 clinger alert.Decent chance the boyfriend is spanking something on the side and there’s an even better chance she’s had their lives planned out together the day after they met. That’s what clingers do. They go batsh*t and make sure they take you down with them.

 

6.  The Baby Mama


Examples: Photo of kid sleeping.  Photo of kid eating. “Our baby just said it’s first word! He said ‘Bah!’”  Uncomforable video of kid pottytraining.. 


What they do: Inform everyone on Facebook every chance they get of how amazing and cute they think their unremarkable and ugly kid is.


Why it’s annoying:  Really? You had a baby? Wow!!!  You must be the first person in human history ever to do that! Please share this unique experience with everyone as much as you can. That would really make us not want to collectively punch ourselves in the dick every 5 minutes when you post a new photo of your baby that’s so ugly it would be punted if it’s ever left alone in public. 


What it says about them:  Obsessed with the child, but even more obsessed about getting people to be obsessed with their child. Probably on Facebook checking out how many likes their baby got today instead of actually keeping an eye on the kid who is inevitably crawling directly into the fireplace.

 

{pagebreak}

 

5.  The Food Lover


Examples: Photos of meals they cook followed by generic message like “Chicken + broccoli and cheese = heaven.  Wish everyone could try it it’s so good : )”


What they do: Cook food. Are overjoyed they can cook food on their own. Take a photo of the cooked food. Post it online. Expect deal with Food Network.


Why it’s annoying:  If we can’t eat it, we don’t want to see it.  ou’re also not Rachel Ray when you reheat some week old mac and cheese and put some parsley next to it.  


What it says about them:  Likes to be confined to the kitchen, which is always a plus. Has definitely experimented in the vegetable aisle before as  there hasn’t been a cucumber she hasn’t liked. Probably the most tolerable person on the list, but the quantity of posts is what gives it the spot.  

 

4.  The Pet Owner


Examples:  Photo of pet doing nothing. Video of pet sleeping. “Isn’t she the cutest and most exciting thing ever!!!” 


What they do:  Post pictures, videos and status updates of their pets doing absolutely nothing and how obsessed they are with the animal.


Why it’s annoying: Everybody has or had pets.  Everybody’s pet is the greatest pet in the world.  Yours is never going to be better than ours and therefore you and your pet can go eat a bag of dicks. 


What it says about them:  Is like the baby mama with obsession, but just with what I’m going to guess is cats. 1 cat for a single woman at age 25 leads to 2 by 30 if still single, 5 by 35, a separation from reality by 38, 20 cats by 50, and soon after an arrest for housing dozens cats in unsanitary conditions in her v*gina.  

 

3.  The Vacationer


Examples: “Can’t wait to leave for Punta Cana Tomorrow!” “Just landed in Punta Cana!” “On the beach in Punta Cana!” “Sunset in Punta Cana is breathtaking!” “The food and drinks in Punta Cana are amazing!”


What they do: Update every aspect of their vacation and time away from home. Somehow usually post more when on vacation than normally.


Why it’s annoying: Just because you’re away from home doesn’t mean we care about your life any more.  In fact, we care about it less. You having a drink on the beach isn’t the coolest thing in the world and unless you’re topless we don’t want to see pictures of you on vacation.  The last thing we want to see when it’s 20 degrees out and there’s frost on our sac is pictures of you laying out in the sun, tits down.


What it says about them: Thinks their life is 100x better than yours and will shove it in your face every chance they get.    

 

2.  The Complainer


Examples: “Ugh, I’m soooo tired today. Is it Friday yet?”  “Thanks for the rain when I didn’t have my umbrella.  That was fun.” “People are so rude.” “I can’t believe how tired I am.”


What they do:  Tell you every time they are upset, angry, annoyed, tired, or frustrated.  


Why it’s annoying:  Very simple: Nobody cares. Even worse, nobody wants to be annoyed about how annoyed you are. Just makes you more annoying.   


What it says about them: Debbie downer to the max. Outside of giving her a billion dollars and having a direct two-way telepathic line to her G-spot, good luck to the guy who has to live with this one.

 

1.The ‘My Life Is Sooooo Interesting, You Need To Know About It’ Bitch


Examples: “Woke up at 8 today, about to go for a run then off to the mall with friends before coming home and maybe taking a nap before tonight!”  “Going shoe shopping…”  “Just watching TV in my room.”


What they do: Every detail of every day is shared with everyone. 


Why it’s annoying:  A combination of numbers 2-10 on our list rolled into one. The epitome of an oversharing Facebook F*cker. Everything that is wrong with the status update. You’re not a celebrity. You’re not interesting, funny or cute. Nobody gives a rat’s dick about your life or what you are doing on a regular basis. 


What it says about them:  Can’t say because I don’t know anyone on this level anymore. I Immediately deleted people who did this on my newsfeed the second I saw anything that would give me the urge to castrate society. I suggest you do the same.

About Doc Dawkins...

Post a Comment

Your email is kept private. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>