Facebook status updates are abused by everyone. Yes, even Bros. But this list is designed to seek out the most destructive serial Facebook status chicks and expose them for what they really are.
10. The Gym Broad
Examples: “So sore after running 5 miles!” “Yoga class is going to be tough but worth it!” “Going to the gym … (same status, same time, everyday)”
What they do: Post every detail of every time they do anything remotely more strenuous than walking up a flight of stairs or playing Wii bowling. Usually followed by exclamation points to accentuate how hard they think they worked.
Why it’s annoying: While it’s good that they’re trying to get rid of the muffin top that’s been fed a steady diet of Dominos, Natty, and semen during college, it would be much easier to admire them for working out if they didn’t give themselves so much credit already. It’s like when the extremely hot girl calls herself hot, she suddenly doesn’t seem that hot anymore. Nobody cares about how hard you try to look good just as long as you’re at least a 6 while we’re drunk and thus spankable.
What it says about them: Tenacious, but narcissistic and needy as all hell. If they need to feel that much gratification from just working out, imagine how much attention they’re going to need all the time.
9. The Quoting Queen
Examples: “Opportunity dances with those who are already on the dance floor.” “If you can’t handle me at my worst than you don’t deserve me at my best.” “Happiness is the way of looking at the things that happen to you : )”
What they do: Plagiarize popular sayings on their news feed and believe that their empty attempts of sincerity will actually make someone’s life better.
Why it’s annoying: Life sucks for most people. We’re not movie stars or gifted athletes bringing in millions of dollars and most of us probably won’t get to that point. It is what it is. You’re inspirational quote of trying to live life to the fullest won’t change the fact that we pissed the bed last night hammered and missed a final this morning or spend 8+ hours a day in a cubicle thinking we would give up our left leg and/or nut to go back to the time in our lives when we could piss the bed hammered and miss a final the next morning.
What it says about them: Likely a former Philosophy major who realizes that their education won’t get them past the management position at Starbucks. Either that or they’re eating antidepressants like Reese’s Pieces. And Reese’s Pieces are damn delicious.
8. The Drunk
Examples: “Still hungover…time to open that wine bottle.” “Drinking with the bestest ladies everrrrr!!!!!!” “Im so hammred right now I nead someone or sommthhing in or around myvag… the darrrker the betttter.”
What they do: Think that drinking is the greatest thing ever (which it kind of is) but need to remind everyone not only when they’re tipping a few back, but what’s going on when they’re drunk.
Why it’s annoying: This ain’t high school anymore honey. Everybody drinks. There is no reason to think you’re special and that anyone cares when you’re getting trashed on a Tuesday night. Gets to the point where we realize that you drinking boxed wine and slapping the bag isn’t as cool as it once was.
What it says about them: The chick is usually pretty cool but is definitely the sloppiest in the crowd. She’s the type of girl you’ve hooked up with a time or two before but nothing you could take home to mother. Especially since the Cirrhosis is scheduled to kick in any day now.
7. The Lover
Examples: “Happy 6 week anniversary to the love of my life : ). I love you so much sweetie and will always forever.” “Sorry women of Earth, the most amazing man EVER belongs to ME. Love my hubby” “Only been apart from my love for 15 minutes and I miss him so much.”
What they do: Remind everyone every chance they get how in love they are and how much their man is better than you.
Why it’s annoying: Are you available to hook up with? No. That’s why there is no reason to care what you have to say about your love life. Drop a line when you change the relationship status to ‘single’, ‘widowed’ or if you’re hot and there’s even a slimmer of hope for a three way, whatever the status is for ‘lesbian.’
What it says about them: We’ve got a stage 5 clinger alert.Decent chance the boyfriend is spanking something on the side and there’s an even better chance she’s had their lives planned out together the day after they met. That’s what clingers do. They go batsh*t and make sure they take you down with them.
6. The Baby Mama
Examples: Photo of kid sleeping. Photo of kid eating. “Our baby just said it’s first word! He said ‘Bah!’” Uncomforable video of kid pottytraining..
What they do: Inform everyone on Facebook every chance they get of how amazing and cute they think their unremarkable and ugly kid is.
Why it’s annoying: Really? You had a baby? Wow!!! You must be the first person in human history ever to do that! Please share this unique experience with everyone as much as you can. That would really make us not want to collectively punch ourselves in the dick every 5 minutes when you post a new photo of your baby that’s so ugly it would be punted if it’s ever left alone in public.
What it says about them: Obsessed with the child, but even more obsessed about getting people to be obsessed with their child. Probably on Facebook checking out how many likes their baby got today instead of actually keeping an eye on the kid who is inevitably crawling directly into the fireplace.