Life
by J. Camm on May 2, 2012

I dated this one girl for a good portion of my high school career. I remember our junior year we were at a party and my buddy says, “Yo, my moms out of town, me and my girl are headed back to my place, you and your girl can crash in another room” so we immediately jump on our first opportunity to be able to have uninterrupted sex at night. We get there and she starts to blow me. Mid blow job, this drunk as sh*t girl looks up, screams, “DONT WORRY! I heard it feels good for guys” and proceeds to give me a rim job.

Fast-forward a year. It’s summer going into my senior year and I decide to take the same girl out on a date. I take her to Joes Crab shack, $25 a pop, $10 tip. I take her right after to see Piranha 3D, $15 a ticket. I’m driving her back home at about midnight and I ask her if she wants to stop at this park we always went to get busy at. I pull up to this park and make my way to the back seat. I get her naked and she starts blowing me. I tell her to mover her head down a little. She does. So I tell her to suck my balls. She does. I tell her to go a little lower. She says,” NO, I AM NOT DOING THAT, I WAS DRUNK JR YEAR AND ILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN” to which I reply, “LISTEN I SPENT $60 ON DINNER AND $30 ON A SH*TTY MOVIE. YOURE DOING IT.” So she proceeds to give me another rim job. Now I am unsure how exactly she thought of this but all of a sudden she looks up at me and says, “whaaaat would happen iiifff….” and immediately puts her head right back down.


All of a sudden I feel this pressure on my a**hole I've never felt before in my life, as if air was blown up my a**hole. That's what happened, this girl wanted to see what would happen if she blew air into my a**hole.


Well, this air loosened up a nice, Joes Crab Shack, Old Bay fart which in turn shot right out of my ass into the mouth of the girl still rimming. She inhales. She throws open the door and starts puking her brains out.


Now all I see, in this order, is my boner, her ass keeled over quatching, and the most bewildered looking cop walking towards the car to see why it was parked there after dark. 

Lesson learned that night: A**hole breath won't help you pass a breathalyzer test.

Tough to follow a story about farting in a chick's mouth durning a rim job, but we'll try. 

This tale dates back years ago to the pre-historic times of junior high school. When I was 13, I went down to Mexico with my family and proceeded to meet up with two girls from home one night in Cancun. With nothing to do with ourselves, we decided to try drinking for the first time…

Eventually, my drunk, pre-pubescent ass was hooking up with one of them, the ugly blond with braces; the braces play a huge factor in the fate of my dick. She begins to blow me for my first blow job ever, and it proved to be the most painful act I have endured in my life. All teeth and braces, I actually have a small red scar on my dick from this atrocious act.

Fast-forward two days later.

Round Two.


The same thing occurs, we attempt to get drunk and then the two of us proceed to hook up. She apologized for what happened the last time, and promised it would be better. It wasn't. But before we began to hook up again the drinking made me need to piss, but I failed to do so in time. So she is going at the dick scabbing blow job again, and my only goal is to j*zz in this b*tch's mouth and be done with it, especially since I needed to piss…

After probably 15 minutes of this terrible experience, I eventually am able to blow, yet right after I came, the yellow river flowed. And flow it did, I could not hold it back and after about 3 seconds of swallowing piss she realizes what is occurring and pulls out my dick, and so I proceeded to spray the room due to my lack of control over my pre-pubescent dong.

I see the f*cked up event as a somewhat triumph considering the damage to my dick. 

We have remained friends.

Reminds me of the time a girl in high school left my dick so indian burnt from a hand job it scabbed. Thing was useless for weeks. Had to whack off with aloe vera. 

This story happened my junior year of high school. During my sophomore year, one of my baseball teammates (let's call him Mike) was a junior who had a girlfriend (let's call her Kate) who was pretty hot. She'd go to our games, she was the new girl from California and he was way out of his weight class with her. Quite frankly, no one knew how he got her in the first place. But anyway, after a 6-month or so relationship, they broke up over the summer (very much against his will). Since Mike had driven me home from practice and games a few times (remember he was a junior and I was a sophomore), I had gotten to know him and his girlfriend pretty well since she often accompanied us on those car rides.

Anyway, after their breakup (which was pretty nasty and involved her getting boned in the bathroom at a Phillies game), both of them confided in me about it and each decided I was on their side. Since they weren't on speaking terms, they each came to trust me as a really good friend and told me all the details about their relationship. Kate told me more emotional stuff (which I quite frankly wasn't interested in) and Mike told me all the sexual stuff. And this girl was a freak. I mean, I was hearing about ass sex and all this other stuff. I don't remember too many exact details, but we're talking like really kinky stuff (role playing, etc.) and she was also really into getting slapped and choked, hair pulled, etc. Basically, the girl was crazy in bed. Remember, she was only a junior in high school.

So I continue my friendship with both Mike and Kate (neither of them knew about the other) over the summer and the next school year rolls around and Mike, who is now a senior, agrees to drive me to school and back every day. Meanwhile, all this time I'm talking to Kate, texting her, flirting, etc. But I hadn't had much success with girls up to that point, and it appeared my game had failed me once again because it seemed like we were squarely in the friend zone. She'd talk to me about her crazy weekends that always started out with a party and ended up with her either passed out drunk or severely hungover the next day. I assume they also ended with filthy sex, but she never told me that stuff so I didn't know for sure. I would just shake my head in awe, since my friend group (not me personally) didn't drink together very often.

So January comes around, and my appendix nearly ruptures and it keeps me out of school for a week and off the basketball court for a little over a month. Meanwhile, Kate had been texting me the whole time I was out of school checking in on me, so I thought I might have been moving out of the friend zone. However, at the end of the week she asked me to set her up with my friend who was in my grade (let's call him John). I dejectedly agree to help because I was weak-willed back then and informed John of his good fortune.

So the next weekend rolls around, and I'm sitting on the sideline at my basketball game “helping coach the team” in my absence. Since it was a late game, I was in sweatpants and a hoodie because I wasn't going anywhere afterwards. As I'm sitting on the sidelinesm I get a call from Kate. She's clearly inebriated, and she asks me for John's number. I give it to her and think nothing of it, but 5 minutes later she calls back saying he didn't pick up. I'm pretty annoyed (we were getting killed and my backup had more turnovers than points, rebounds, and assists combined), so I tell her that it's not my problem and I'm sorry. She calls back again 5 minutes later and asks for a ride from the party she was at back to her house, which was clear across the other side of town. I don't know where this party is at or who's having it and it's close to curfew. But, because I was so bored of watching my game, I agree to go get her and she gives me an address.

I roll up to the house, and she stumbles down into my car. She's slurring her words, and asks me why I'm there. I facepalm and tell her that she asked me for a ride. She says “no I didn't, I'm sleeping here, you silly goose!” I'm about to drive home (curfew was in 15 minutes and I lived 5-10 minutes away) when she says “maybe we can hang out in your car for a little while”. I didn't catch the hint, but I invite her in and we're talking. She interrupts me mid-sentence and says, “you know what's happening right now?” I was completely clueless, and said I didn't. She then replied, “We're about to hook up right now”. I couldn't even say a word before she took her shirt off and straddled me in the driver's seat.


After 10 minutes of that, she pulls me into the backseat (which, being a Suburban, was very roomy) and tells me to take my pants off. I get the best blow job of my life (and by best I mean second) and finish all over her face. She then tells me she wants to bone, and we did it for God-knows how long. We did everything, including butt sex, with no condom. She was screaming and telling me to pull her hair, spank her, slap her, choke her. It was freaking amazing. Then, I finished all over her face for the second time in an hour. I looked at my phone and saw it was 11:50-50 minutes after curfew. I kick her out of my car and speed home to find that my parents were out at a movie and wouldn't know that I didn't make it back for curfew. 

The next week at school, Kate yelled at me for “taking advantage of her” and said our friendship was over. The joke was on her, though, since the next week the school district discovered she was living outside the district and moved her to the next high school over. Best part? Neither Mike nor John ever found out about it. Mike continued to drive me to school for the rest of the year and John is still one of my good friends to this day. And that, BroBible readers, is how I lost my virginity.

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