Dear Valentine’s Day,
Why are you even a thing?
It’s very frustrating every single year when you come along out of nowhere on February 14th and force men all over the world to buy their girlfriends some bullshit box of chocolate and flowers, or a shitty piece of jewelry from Zales just so they feel wanted. It’s not fair and you literally serve no purpose for the good of society. Scumbag.
You are a dick to men in relationships
Now that you have become SO mainstream, men can’t even buy the typical Valentine’s Day things without a girl saying, “Really? You can’t even be creative on a special day like this?” It makes me want to stab my eyes out and light them on fire just so I can feel something besides complete FAILURE. But you don’t stop there do you Valentine’s Day? On top of my thoughtful gifts being reluctantly accepted because they weren’t up to her “Valentine’s Day standards” you force me to sit through some appalling rom-com about a guy who falls in love with a barista after she made him the perfect Chai-tea latte. All of this done in hopes that at the end of the night I MIGHT get a sweet beej. No one asked for this terrible “Holiday” (and I use the term “holiday” very lightly because you don’t even give us the day off from work) not even Saint Valentine himself. It’s clear that your only purpose in modern society is to keep florists, card companies and producers of rom coms in business AND to give girls one more excuse to be unhappy with us. I really want to like you Valentines Day, but you literally make it impossible. Prick.
You are a dick to single people, too
Not only do you make it difficult for the man with a girlfriend, you make it just as bad if not worse for single men everywhere. You have this sick and twisted way of making single men want to have all that ridiculous shit that couples have on your stupid day. The chocolates, the flowers, the cards, and that feeling of, I’M WITH SOMEONE ON VALENTINES DAY BITCHES. As a man it’s hard to admit that you actually want that stuff, but when the media forces it down our throats, it’s almost impossible not to. Plus at some point in every man’s life, he had a girl who actually made your day something special. On February 14th every single year after that breakup he has to think about her and how he is now alone and thus unable to do those special Valentine’s Day things that he used to hate so much. He can try to suppress the feelings, but no matter how hard he tries they will surface and it will hurt. You’ve created one of the most precarious damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenarios EVER. Asshole.
I hate you
I hate you Valentine’s Day and I’m happy that Saint Valentine was beheaded, because his legacy has beheaded the souls of men every year since your ridiculous day has been romanticized. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have to order my girlfriend a Valentine’s Day gift online so it arrives on time in hopes that I MIGHT get a sweet beej. Dick.
The worst wishes,
P.S. Did I mention I hate you?
Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who thinks that Valentine’s Day is the McRib of holidays. You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.