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5 Ways to Know If You’re His Girlfriend or His Side Chick

By / 07.17.14

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Most women will drive themselves crazy trying to pin down exactly where they stand in a guy’s life. There are so many levels of involvement when it comes to relationships. Men and women can date, be exclusive, be fuck buddies, platonic friends, or roommates, but the major two categories that every woman will fall into is either a girlfriend or a side chick. Ladies to clear the air, here are 5 ways to know the answer to the age old question: Am I his girlfriend or not?

For the record, side chicks are awesome, they relieve stress, they only want to have fun, and the sex is always fucking amazing! Having a side chick is like being able to rent a Formula One race car; you get to drive it like you stole it. While a girlfriend is like the old used car you drive to work every day; that shit just costs you money and it sucks that you have to keep taking care of it.

1. Ladies if your guy hangs out with you during your period, then you’re his girlfriend.

Why does it seem like girlfriends have 39 goddamn periods per month, while side chicks have one every every years? Yes, it’s that special time a month when girls get a free pass to be total assholes and somehow guys are to blame. When a guy has a girlfriend, every time he gets anywhere near her boobs she holds up a red card like a ref in a World Cup match signaling “PERIOD FLAG ON THE PLAY.”  Girlfriends break out the period flag like a cop breaks out his badge while kicking in the door during a drug bust.

I understand that having a period sucks, but it’s not my fault. Girls act like guys have something to do with periods. Meanwhile, side chicks get their periods, vanish like period ninjas and they don’t reappear until everything is good to go.  A side chick’s period is like Halley’s Comet – I heard about it but I have never seen it. For some reason side chicks will do ALL KINDS of other sexual things to their guy when they have their period since they can’t have sex. Girlfriends get on their period and they tend to just sit there eating a Snickers bar. All I’m saying is when a roller coaster is out of order, you don’t have to close the entire park!

2. Ladies, are you sending the type of text messages a girlfriend would send or a side chick?

Girlfriends have a bad habit of using text messaging as a way to cyber stalk a guy throughout the day just to ensure he understands how he may have fucked something up. Side chicks use texting as a way to turn a normal, everyday dude into a sex crazed pit-bull. The following are examples of “Girlfriend Texts v.s Side Chick Texts”:

Girlfriend Text: Hey, so you forgot to take out the trash…AGAIN. I don’t know why we have to keep fighting about the same thing? SMH

Side Chick Text: I can’t find my blue thong…oh yea SOMEBODY ripped them off! Lol!  Talk to you later, Boo.

Girlfriend Text: Incoming picture (it’s a picture of the goddamn trashcan you didn’t empty)

Side Chick Text: Incoming picture (It’s a down shirt shot of her boobs pushed together with a caption that reads “All for you!”)

Girlfriend Text: Can you stop and get me some Tums? I feel bloated (followed by another picture of the goddamn trash you didn’t take out).

Side Chick Text: Drive over here RIGHT NOW…I really want to blow you.

3. If you let yourself go and your guy is still by your side, then you’re his girlfriend.

The worst thing for a woman’s figure is a long term relationship. Most men won’t admit it, but they know their girlfriend looked a hell of a lot better during that first year of the relationship. Side chicks are technically single, so they have to keep themselves sharp. Side chicks have to keep themselves in top condition because they are trying to land the long term kill. Side chicks are like Rambo in the jungle, hiding in the bushes with a razor sharp knife, waiting for the chance to make the kill, while girlfriends are like elementary school crossing guards just trying not to fall asleep on the job. Most girlfriends are out of shape because it’s easy to gain a few pounds when your night usually consist of a half-gallon of ice cream, and catching up on recorded episodes of Scandal and MTV’s True Life. Side chicks are in amazing shape!  If side chicks had to play a basketball game against girlfriends, that shit would look like the1992 Olympic Dream Team versus ANYONE.

4. If a man introduces you to his family, then you’re his girlfriend.

Guys can’t wait to introduce their girlfriends to their family, because they get to look like a superstar when a guy’s family meets his intelligent, well-rounded girlfriend. No dude’s mother wants to meet a tube top wearing, neck tattoo having, twerking side chick. Think how upset your mother will be when she’s asking your side chick about her ambitions in life and your side chick responds with any of the following:

  • “Well, right now I’m just waiting for my parole hearing, and you know… I mean it should be straight.”
  • “I am very focused on my future, because you can’t strip forever. You know what I’m saying?”
  • “Since I have the best weed on the block…I mean, my pockets stay fat… you know.”
  • “Well, now that I am in the semi-finals for the Miss Twerk Championships, I’m basically on my way to Atlanta for the finals.”

5. Ladies, be honest. Is the sex mind-blowing for him or just average? If it’s average and your guy is still with you, that makes you his girlfriend.

It’s a cold world, but it’s true. For some reason, side chicks have sexual talents that boarder on what an audition for Cirque Du Soleil must look like, while most girlfriends eventually resemble a fat kid just trying to make it across the monkey bars, just sweating and holding on for dear life. Side chicks are born with X-men like powers during sex, while girlfriends are able to do your taxes without a single error. There’s a reason side chicks can shuffle, cut, and deal a deck of cards with her butt cheeks… and that reason is so she can compete with the smart girl who is in law school.

There you have it my brothers.   Look closely and decide what’s in your passenger seat!

[Image via ShutterStock]


TAGShooking upRelationshipsSex
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