Life
by Mark Williamson on July 1, 2014

pizza-man

I know you’re out there.

There are those of you who think a buck tip on a $40 pizza and beer delivery tab is quite sufficient for the twenty-nothing, scruffy college kid who just wheeled up in front of your place in some piece of shit early 90s Honda Civic and then ran to your door in the pouring rain carrying your food.

You know who you are, and I say to you: You suck!

Don’t try to justify it. Don’t sit there and tell yourself the pizza guy isn’t “ a real waiter” and somehow doesn’t deserve a decent tip.

When out with your girl at a nice restaurant and the waiter has to return to your table a few times to refill your water glass and get you a new fork when you drop yours on the floor, and generally provide good service, he should get a good tip.  When the bartender at your favorite pub gets your drinks to you quickly, and made well, he should get a decent tip, too, right?

Well, your damned pizza guy deserves one, too!

While he didn’t have to come refill your glass, he sure as hell had to fight traffic, dodge cops and drunk drivers, and haul ass as much as possible, sometimes in crappy weather, to get your pizza to you still warm so you wouldn’t complain about it.  He’s a master at pushing his car and he can negotiate a high-speed turn right at the limit of adhesion, all while making sure your pizza doesn’t end up on the floorboard!

Add to that, he’s spending his own money for gasoline and putting hard miles of wear and tear on his own car. You damn right he deserves to be treated right!

Sure, he got to wear whatever clothes he wanted and listen to whatever his choice of shitty music is, but so does the bartender at your favorite pub.

If you’re just one of those tightwad douches who hates to part with your coin, let me give you some advice. I will paraphrase a friend of mine: “If you can’t afford to tip properly, you can’t afford to order delivery.”

Now, there are some very good selfish reasons why you’ll want to tip well.  Those kids may not look too bright, but they’ll remember you. If you get known as a good tipper, you’re likely to get preference when the kid has a stack of pizzas to deliver. You get known as a shitty tipper and your house will be his last stop.

You treat the drivers well and they’re likely to throw in a freebie here and there.  You don’t and they’re likely to make sure you get the crappiest pizza on the rack.

If you’re one of those elitist snobs who thinks he’s somehow got more social clout than the guy bringing you his food, let me tell you a cautionary tale.

Imagine a cold Saturday night in January and a bunch of snobby, entitled douchebags from a “Collegiate Organization” are sitting around, doing what they do, when they decide to order 8 pizzas to be delivered to the house. With assorted drinks and snacks, the bill ends up being $99. 87. The kid from the pizza joint does his job well and gets the pies to them still piping hot. Snobby douchebags decide it will be quite the joke to tell the driver “Keep the change” as they hand him two $50s and 4 quarters.

$1.13 tip on a $100 bill?  Really, douchebags?

I’m sure they were pissed when they woke up the next day and found their mail couldn’t be delivered, because “someone” had taken his lacrosse stick and wielded it like a Viking war-hammer and beat to their pretty little gold and black mailbox flat.

Do the right thing: Tip.

 

Pizza delivery man photo via Shutterstock

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