You'll never get through these last few months. You're going to drown in an anxiety-ridden pool of your own sweat and tears. There's no hope for you. Only bad news lies ahead. Was your fake ID confiscated during Spring Break 2012 at some random bar in Miami because your douchebag friend Mark promised you’d get in with it? Was it the last fake ID you would purchase, because you’re a broke college student and FAFSA threatened to call the police if you kept bothering them for more money? Do you even know what FAFSA stands for? You don't, do you?
Ok. So now you're an ID-less 20-year-old who’s moved on from that fateful night with douchebag Mark (sort of), and you have just a few unbearable months left before you’re back out at the bars wasting away your parents’ hard-earned money. Your shitty group of friends has been taunting you with sarcastic invites to come out drinking with them and you detest them for it. You are somewhat miserable.
Don’t fret, though, Superstar (let's pretend your name is Superstar), because the seemingly endless months can go by in a flash. IF, you partake in these fun time-wasting activities:
1. Go to an Indian Casino
Are your friends going to Vegas for a weekend they’ll never forget, and you’ll therefore never be a part of? Well, you can tell those guys to 1. Take a big step back, and 2. Literally fuck their own faces. 18+ Indian casinos are basically Vegas—minus most things that make Vegas fun—and they're a worthy choice for a weekend getaway.
So grab a few other unlucky friends and go take a trip that you will most likely forget. And remember, if some weird shit does happen to go down (you buy a hooker, you accidentally kill a guy, the blood of thousands of murdered Native Americans rises out from the elevator shafts, etc.), what happens in Indian casinos, stays in Indian casinos.
2. Learn to Ferment Your Own Alcohol
Let’s face it: a guy can only watch so many episodes of Moonshiners before he starts to fantasize about being a hillbilly named Tickle who brews his own alcohol. Goodbye begging your friends or the homeless man named Slim, who lives outside your campus convenience store, to buy you booze.
Instead, embrace your inner chemist (even if you’re a film major blowing 200k on an education that you can learn for free on the Internet) and start cooking. You can also cook meth, I guess. Whatever works. Follow your dreams! Neat! Obama!
3. Rewatch Seinfeld
9 seasons. 180 episodes. You can’t really go wrong with the best television show of the 90s. While you may not be picking up chicks at the bars with your buddies, you will be treating yourself to the classic comedy series of our generation, which isn’t the worst trade-off. I suggest skipping the first two seasons, though: They’re definitely the weakest of the bunch. And when you do finally reach 21, you’ll be able to sweep any* lady off her feet with your extensive knowledge of Seinfeld trivia.
4. Go to a Strip Club
For me, finding a quality strip club is harder than finding a four-leaf clover marshmallow in a box of Lucky Charms, mainly because those are the only pieces I eat and there are never any left.
Granted it was five in the morning, but the ‘girls’ at the last strip club I went to had a striking resemblance to the Chicago Bears’ defensive line. Don’t get me wrong; I love Julius Peppers, but that doesn’t mean I want him to sit on my face.
However, with a little luck, you should have no problem discovering a decent strip club near your school, unless you’re in the Big Ten and you live in the middle of a cornfield, in which case you should reconsider your life choices. Just remember to tell them it’s your friend’s birthday every time you’re there, and to always stay away from that one guy in the sweatpants.
5. Don’t See R.I.P.D This Weekend Or Any Other Weekend Ever
[Furious man pulling hair image via Shutterstock]