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Q. I used to do damn good with women but I was enjoying the company of too many and someone along the way left her mark. I don't know who it was but I now have herpes and I haven't slept with someone in a long time. I still flirt and can easily start negotiations with anyone, but I never close because I don’t know how to tell them. My Bros are starting to think I don’t like pie anymore. I guess it’s just an embarrassment and now major lack of confidence on my part. Help me please ‘cause if not, my nuts said they'll pack up and move onto better pastures.
A. Well this is certainly starting off on a serious note. Look, there is no way around this unfortunate circ*mstance. I understand your current situation sucks and you're embarrassed about it, but I think you're approaching this like it's going to destroy your life. It honestly shouldn't. Yeah, some b*tch got the best of you by covering your dick in her engine sludge, but shit happens and you can't just stop living. I know a few guys that also tote around the gift that keeps on giving, and they haven't missed a beat. Maybe they did at first, just like you, but they resolved to not let it define them. I don't know whether or not they disclose their situation with chicks before they f*ck them, or if they simply just make sure to wrap it up and never f*ck during a breakout.
If you haven't already, you need to get medication to help stop the outbreaks. You need to be forthcoming with broads, but if you can't muster that honesty when you're drunk (and itchin' to f*ck something) make sure you wear a condom. When the day comes that you find a chick you want to date, don't sleep with her until she knows. She will be pissed when she finds out that you put your dick in her without ever telling her first.
I know this advice is coming from someone who has never had herpes but c*mming makes the world go round and I'm not going to just tell you to get used to masturbating or join a herpes dating club, because I think you'd be better off with just being safe and honest.
Q. Looking back on your life and college years, what is the most important piece of advice you would offer all readers and why?
A. I could probably go on for hours on this but after reading that question, two things hit me like a fist to the jaw. In terms of college, I'd have to say never have a long-distance relationship with your high school girlfriend, or anyone for that matter, while you're in school. It's a colossal waste of time and something you will one day regret doing. It is also a pain in the ass when the inevitable calls asking you if you're "being good" start rolling in at all hours of the night.
As for post-college advice, outside of having those big guy trips with your boys every now and again, find what you love to do (barring that it isn't shooting heroin) and f*ckin' do it. That's it, man. If you do that, you'll wake up every morning in a job you want to be in. Not one that you think sounds good talking about when you're at happy hour but makes you miserable. I learned that the hard way. Although the money was pouring in when I had another career, every morning when my alarm started singing, I started hoping that my office burned down or some street thug fatally impaled my bosses' face the night before. I know the impalement wouldn't even cause me to miss work, I just hated that mother f*cker. He had the worst case of horseshit breath. So yeah, it’s better to work towards your own passions than help others fulfill theirs. If you find something that satisfies both -- kind of like finding a sl*t who just wants a face full of dick at 3 a.m. -- you're golden.
Q. I met some chick at a party the other night that is definitely railable, but after getting her number, shit has got kind of weird. I've woken up to messages about like personal shit going on in her life; I've woken up to like 5 new messages from this girl (and it’s only been 3 mornings...). I haven't even seen this girl since then because she's tried to get me to hang out with her like 90 different times (like watching the Jets-Steelers game with her when I like the Jets and she likes the Steelers). Not to mention the constant double, and even triple texts that I've been getting more than regularly. Maybe I'm just crazy, but is this girl a stage-5, or is this just totally acceptable behavior? Do I bail, or what?
A. Nothing is sexy about a chick this desperate. Especially one that is this persistent. I agree that f*cking her would be an uncontested lay-up but at the end of the day is one single load worth the potential grief she might cause? If you need to bust a slump or have someone do your laundry, it certainly might be, but otherwise, I would bail. I mean, if she is acting like this now, just imagine how in love she'll be after you put her p*ssy on IR.