Life
by J. Camm on December 11, 2012

Q: My hookup is going abroad this semester. We've been hanging out a lot lately, and were monogamist. I understand he's going abroad, but I want things to be the same when he comes back in May. What's the best course of action here? Do I say something about hooking up with other people before he goes? After he goes? Do I just not say anything? Does texting exist while someone is in the US and the other is in Australia? Is Skype sex weird? But most importantly, how do I get an invite to visit Australia out of this?

 

A: My God, woman, that's a fuckload of questions. And clearly you're going to go NUTS over this. If I'm were in his position I wouldn't leave Australia until I impregnated something with an extra spicy accent, so your insanity is somewhat warranted.

I think what you need to remember is this guy is your hookup, not your boyfriend. There must be a reason for this arrangement and it seems like it's more his choice than yours. Even if it's mutual, put ZERO expectations on him and try not to lead on that you're reeling from the thought of losing him. If he's truly into you then he'll put in the effort to keep in touch. Whatever you do, don't pressure him to do it because I'm certain he wants to make the most of this experience and not feel like he needs to cut his fun short every night so you can fingerbang yourself to him on Skype.

Q: My friends and I were discussing ‘would you rathers’ and this came up. It doesn't make sense but bare with me here. Would you rather be paralyzed from the neck down, except for your dick, which has all feeling, or have your dick chopped off and you couldn't reattach it?

 

A: If I can I still piss without a bag attached to me and have something that resembles an orgasm—even a semen-less one—I'm totally fine with losing my dick. I utilize my limbs 24 hours a day (I’m a very active sleeper), and out of that time I probably utilize my dick, in a pleasurable way, for an average total of 5 minutes a day (factoring in days I don't have sex or sinfully touch myself). That's 1,825 minutes of unfettered bliss a year, which seems like a lot if your buying someone in your fraternity a streaming package on a porn pay-site for Christmas (thoughtful gift, by the way) but not when you factor in the other 523,775 minutes in a year. And also, even if I had a person by my side 24-hours a day, no one gets after an itch on my body quite like I do. 

Q: So, here's the thing, I can't stand tequila. There was a point in my life where I could, but for whatever reason I can't remember, just the thought of tequila makes me want to hurl. However, it seems like tequila is the go-to shot to order a girl.

My question is, what do I order a girl if I absolutely don't want tequila?

 

A: A good rule in taking shots with a chick is never drink the more bitch shot. Meaning, you can stoop to her level when she goes for (insert flavored Stoli here) cut with Red Bull, but if she's taking Patron you better man up and do the same shot with her, order something on its level, or worse.

Here's how this is going to go down:

Her: (flings hair back) “Letz do some shotzzzz.”

You: “Anything you want, dollface.”

Her: “Oooo Patron. Letz get Patron. I LOVE Patron.” (Giggles for no apparent reason, but you want to fuck her so it's totally hot. )

You: “I'll get you tequila but that's a little soft for me… I like something with more of a slow burn.” (Then you proceed to order Jameson or something in the motor oil family)

Q: So I'm in college and a virgin. I fully intend to save it for marriage and all that. I still go out, drink, talk to girls and everything. Will me saving it for marriage affect my game with a ton of girls? I don't care if it happens with a few girls but will girls respect that or will it lose me a lot of chicks for even relationships?

 

A: VIRGIN PROBLEMS!

Girls WILL respect that your dick isn't a breeding ground for disease. Shockingly, a lot of chicks aren't down with a man of incredible action. So you've got that working in your favor.

That said, girls WON'T want to stick around and wait five years (or longer) to see if you bring the ruckus in bed, unless they too are saving themselves for marriage. Judging by today's over-sexed society, if I were to pick a percentage out of the sky, I'd say your crop of potential women went from 100% to roughly 12%. That twelve percent includes fellow virgins, born-agains, fatties, chicks who prefer cunnilingus to intercourse, and closet lesbians looking to buy themselves some time.

Q: How the hell do pubes get in and around all public urinals and toilets? Is there some sick bastard who plucks his pubes one by one and sprinkles them around the toilets making them unshittable? This has always perplexed me.

 

A: The Pube Fairy, of course. He flies in, plucks a few choice scrotal whiskers, plants them on the shitter seat to ruin your day, and flies off as if he were never there. Then, the Piss Fairy comes in and douses that one, two-inch-wide spot where the seat doesn’t connect with itself so you have to think about your dick touching half-dried urine that's caked to the bowl the entire time you crap. 

Save for maybe our beards, most haired areas on our body shed. Our heads, arms, legs, eyebrows, and yes, even our inner most asshole hair falls out. The hair we see plastered on toilets, glued to them by urine or ass sweat, is likely that of an un-groomed man, because they are always 5 inches long and usually coiled into a fun shape, like an 8, or a '&', or my name in cursive. But we all lose hair, even the most well manicured dudes, it's just less visible and nowhere near as gross.

Q: I've had this awful reputation as a dude with an Asian fetish since I was a junior in high school from an off-hand remark I made to some friends once about how of all ethnic groups, I find Asian girls most attractive. Needless to say, it spiraled out of control and I got some reputation as an “Asian Freak” and consistently have had trouble meeting girls, both Asian and non-Asian, because of this reputation. 

I tried to shed it in college but some dudes I went to high school with go to my university and the stigma has stuck. While it is true that I find Asian girls attractive, I don't see it as much different than preferring girls with bangs or at least a C-cup, however in the eyes of the community I seem to be some sick fuck: Asian girls think I am creepy and white girls don't bother because they assume I am not interested. 

What can I do to rectify this reputation? I know labels are tough to remove once they stick but damn dude it's been like 4 years and I would like to get laid without having to make entirely new circles of friends. Thanks.

 

A: Hahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Sorry.

What fascinates me is you’ve become some kind of societal leper because of this. You aren’t the first person to like Asians, I find a lot of them to be sexy as hell (actually dating a halfie), but I will tell you this, I have heard from multiple Asian girls that guys with Asian fetishes sicken them. Now, you might not have a full-blown fetish, but the world thinks you do, and that’s your downfall here.

To shake this reputation you need to branch out and find girls who know nothing of you, or transfer because you’re in college and the damage is done; you’re the “Asian Freak” to everyone on campus. Maybe Bros can offer other advice in the comments but I think you’re going to continue to get shit for this until you remove or at least distance yourself from the situation.

Q:  I usually left my condoms in my girlfriend's room and after we broke up, I took them back. Anyway,  I always knew how many I used from the box. Well, when I came to get them, there were a couple missing. I asked her roommate about it and she said that she doesn't know anything, and they wouldn't fit her bf's dick b/c he uses magnums. Well I confronted her about it and she said she had no idea either, so what do you think happened? What do you think I should do?

 

A: I think we all know what happend here and it sounds to me like there is nothing left for your to do than move on. It also sounds to me like your ex's roommate felt the need to take a shot at your endowment when you questioned her.

Q: What’s the protocol on busting in a girls mouth? If she is more that just a one-night stand, do you pull out or just got for it?

 

A: If you want to throw out a warning shot of “loads a commin'!” I'm sure she wouldn't hate the gesture. However, I don't think it's necessary. Unless she's your girlfriend, because you already know how she'll react and that's just common courtesy. 

In taking that plunge, she’s assumed all liability of what might happen; she knows something is shooting out of your dick when it’s all said and done and it ain’t gonna taste like crème brûlée. Telling some random girl that you’re about to blow only increases your chances of her unlatching, trying to finish you off with her hand, and awarding you the privilege of JIZZING INTO YOUR OWN BELLY BUTTON.

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and Submit your Ask a Bro questions here

J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.

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